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I apologize again for taking so long! I'm rather embarrassed. Everything kind of just piled up in the background.
This is a really powerful story. You've got very well-thought-out characterization, and a narrator who is maturing before our eyes, and not in the most dramatic way possible. It all feels very real, solid, down-to-earth.
This might be nitpicky (but really, for this story, that's all I'm left with), but I can't really picture calling softly. At least to me, calling seems more akin to yelling than something as soft-spoken as I think you're trying to emphasize here.
| QUOTE | | “You should bring down one of the trash cans.” My dad called softly as I passed by his room. |
Your use of color in these sentences is very strong. There's such an emotional contrast in the "sharp yellow" and the "soft blue" that we don't need to question why this journey downstairs is like a journey into the depths of one's soul.
| QUOTE | | Flicking the switch left the entire crowded space illuminated with a sharp yellow light and somehow I maneuvered it down our narrow basement stairs without falling. I missed the soft blue tones upstairs. |
This use of color isn't quite as strong... The gray is expected, and I associate blue more with a beautiful day than any other color. The sentence is well-written, the reference to blue again just bothers me right after blue was used to describe the safety of upstairs as opposed to the memory-inundated basement.
| QUOTE | | The day could’ve been beautiful, but I remember it as gray and blue, cloud-filtered light sifting through our windows and hazing everything together. |
And just to make you aware, with this sentence you have used the word "blue" three sentences in a row. (I'll add that while I didn't care for the contrast in "called softly," I do like it in "quietly flashing." That I can really visualize; I think of the TV when my boyfriend is playing videogames at night and turns the volume way down not to wake anyone up. It's a very definite image.)
| QUOTE | | I had dropped my snuggly dark blue blanket off on the couch, leaving behind a warm seat and the television quietly flashing. |
I like the use of "oozed."
| QUOTE | | I was only wearing socks and the freezing cold concrete oozed through the threads, chilling the bottoms of my feet. |
This sounds a little awkward... usually you would say "washer and dryer" in that order, but you've reversed them. Maybe *between* the dryer and washer? Or just flip them. It made me pause for a second.
| QUOTE | | The trash can landed with a loud thump as I set it down next to the dryer and washer. |
I don't really understand what "down there" is referring to - down on the floor? But we already know that the bin was dropped, so it's unnecessary. Down in the basement? Also unnecessary...
| QUOTE | | Layers of dust swirled off of the heaps of boxes and furniture down there; |
The description is very nice here. It's very detailed and suggests the kind of hypersensitivity that you feel when you're approaching something "dangerous" or undesirable. However, I don't understand why the narrator is tiptoeing to the washer again... aren't they already there? Or is the washer farther away than I pictured it? This really is getting way too picky though, because I doubt any casual reader would ever catch this, so maybe never mind. O_O If you wanted to fix it though, maybe just refer to the dryer earlier, and then to the washer here?
| QUOTE | | I could taste the slightly damp smell of wet wood and the hum of the heater as it warmed the rest of the house. The cold air snapped against my exposed arms as I tiptoed over to the washer; my stomach was pure lead in my body. |
I really like this line. It is very descriptive, in only a few words.
| QUOTE | | On top of our rickety washer and dryer was a line of glass soldiers, staring me down. |
This line made me pause and reread, but not in a bad way - I like how you've juxtaposed the cracking of the bottle and the explosion of the narrator's emotions.
| QUOTE | | It cracked dully, and I felt like I might explode. |
If you throw a glass bottle into a can with another glass bottle, isn't it beyond clinking? I'm thinking more of a crash. Clinking makes me think of party etiquette and toasts.
| QUOTE | | I threw it into the can, glass clinking against glass. |
Something about the tenses of the verbs here bother me. Maybe "I wondered what the trash men would think when they picked this up the following day." Using past and future tense in the same sentence place you the reader at an awkward point in time between events unfolding in a story. But I like the line itself, it's funny.
| QUOTE | | I wondered what the trash men will think when they pick this up tomorrow. |
I like this line. You use good descriptions here. I think this line would be perfect opportunity to strengthen the metaphor, however - maybe instead of being like shards of glass, the noises are shards themselves - shards of sound, perhaps. This is such a strong metaphor that you set up here that I feel like it could come into play over and over again as the story progresses - but I'm getting ahead of myself.
| QUOTE | | They crashed together and the loud clinking noise tore at my eardrums like shards of glass. |
I like the careful differentiation between what the narrator shares his house with and what is gone as soon as it crashes into the garbage.
| QUOTE | | But I bit my lip and viciously chucked the bottles away, out of my basement, into the garbage. |
I like the progression of actions here. And I bet you could come up with a qualifier less cliche than "with all of my might." *grin*
| QUOTE | | By the time it was at the top, I was sweating and crying and pulling it through the living room with all of my might. |
Another confusing verb situation... I think "had been" would be right. Or you could rewrite the sentence to avoid it entirely.
| QUOTE | | I could smell the musty old odor wafting off and don’t want it in my house any longer than it has been. |
This is a nice idea, but I feel cheated out of a really characterizing description of the father. How does the narrator see this? What expressions are flashing across his face? With what quirks are the narrator so familiar that they can understand exactly what he's thinking like this?
| QUOTE | | I saw how he both wanted to know and was praying I hadn’t counted. |
These lines really make me wonder how long this has been happening. It must have taken a long time for all those bottles to accumulate... and this is the first time the narrator has taken out the garbage? Or the first time that the narrator has dealt with this garbage in particular?
| QUOTE | | I’ve taken over a lot of her responsibilities since she went to rehab, cleaning up being one of them. This was the first time I ever had to do the garbage, but it wasn’t the first time I had to clean up after her messes. |
I like the descriptiveness here, but the way it is structured I expect the final phrase to be another description of the house, since the narrator has already labelled it their sanctuary. Maybe separate them more with "and," and make it past tense? I do like the personification of the can as angry.
| QUOTE | | I turned my back on the can and retreated back into my house, my sanctuary, that lone can squatting angrily on the sidewalk like a battle scar. |
Your last line really is golden. You reach this conclusion so perfectly - the storyline doesn't feel forced in that direction and the last line feels like it has summarized everything to that point - the narrator has to throw it away, this isn't something that can be fed into others' lives like it seeped into their own.
| QUOTE | | I refused to recycle misery. |
Very nice work with this story. I hope I wasn't being too picky - I really like this story and am only trying to find ways to make it absolutely airtight. I'm happy I finally finished your critique for you. If you have any questions, let me know. Nice job!
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Garbage by Rhiannon
