Joke / Funny Stuff Thread

Forwarded to me by a family member. Hysterical:
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DOG DIARY.

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Hot damn!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watc hing TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is
great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the occasional piece of furniture).

In yet another demonstration of civil disobedience, I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover of darkness.

Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.

I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I'll start vomiting in their shoes and/or beds. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released-- and he seems more than willing to return!! He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.

I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe-- for now.

But I can wait. It is only a matter of time . . .

LOL

see, this is why I love dogs...

I like both

I like the fact that they're so different, that cats don't take crap off anyone. I find their haughty demeanor amusing (in animals, attitude problems like that I find funny, in people, it's not so funny), that when you call them to come over, they'll usually give you this look as if to say, "No, you idiot, I'm not going to do what you want."

Cats all differ on how independent they are. Our last cat, a siamese, would've kept a diary like you see above, but the cat we have now, a stray we took in a few years ago - he's very sweet-natured, and if he kept a diary, his would look more like the dog's.

I saw a t-shirt that I like that reminds me of this diary thing - it read, "Dogs have masters. Cats have staff."

Another one: "Hundreds of years ago, ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

Our family pug has some cat-like traits. She struts and preens like a cat, but fortunately only her front paws. (None of the rear-leg-lifting and crotch-licking here!)

I really need to get off soon, grab a shower, maybe watch some t.v., and get some sleep. I wanted to post this first, though. It's a joke I saw in Reader's Digest. From their "All In A Day's Work" section:

It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony.

Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn't amused.

"Figures," he said. "I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they're having a costume party!"

These two were emailed to me a long while back by a friend.

At The Grandparents' House

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


Passport To France

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Those were cute jokes, Knight; I forwarded some of them to family members and friends.

This next thing isn't a joke per se, but I wasn't sure what thread to put it in, didn't know if I should start a new one.

It's a photo of hurricane Wilma. Be sure to click to view the larger version. This might make you groan instead of laugh - I liked it, though, it made me smile:

IS hosted

Halloween Flashers (it IS work safe; it's rated PG); click to view larger image:

IS hosted

This next one is called "Letter from a Farm Kid."

Be sure to read it to THE VERY END.

I know it's kind of long, but when you get to the very end, you'll see why it's so funny.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID
NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.

I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Carol

~ EDIT - newer stuff below ~

I got several of these photos in an e-mail. Here are one or two. If I'm in the mood later, I'll put the rest of them in this post.

Costumes for critters:


direct link


direct link

~ Newer Content ~

With hurricanes, tornado's, flooding and severe t-storms tearing up the country from one end to another, with the big quake in Pakistan, (and the Tsunami that hit S.E. Asia not long ago), the quote of the month is from... Jay Leno:

"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Those critter pics were cute!

This one was a forward sitting in my mom's email when she asked me to check it for her.

Pedal To the Metal

A senior citizen in Florida went down to the local Chevrolet dealer and bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

Heading off the car lot and down the road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he stood on the gas peddle -- 80, 120, 150, 170 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

That was cute, Knight.

Here's one that was recently forwarded to me (the punch line is in the form of an image, so be sure to wait for an image of birds to show up at the bottom - and it should be animated, not static):

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,

The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

* scroll down...

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Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Non-Denom Heaven

This guy dies and goes to heaven. St Peter gives him a tour of the place.

They walk down the hall passed a room with the door open. Everyone inside is playing bingo and yukin it up having a good time. St Peter says, "Oh those are the Catholics, they're having a dance later."

They move on down and pass by another open door, everyone inside is singing songs out of hymnals and just really enjoying themselves, St. Peter says, "Oh those are the Methodists, everyday is Sunday for them."

They get to the end of the hallway and near a closed door, St. Peter says "Shh, those are the Baptists and they think they are the only ones here."

(I did place a cartoon below all this, btw)

Not to get too serious here, as this is a joke thread...

I had a friend who was a Methodist. He swore by that denomination. He tried to convince me to become one.

(My grandmother had been a Methodist but became a Southern Baptist).

Anyway... this friend was very, very antagonistic and prejudiced against all Baptists, not just Southern Baptists. He flat out did not like Baptists.

He repeatedly would tell me how overly-judgmental Baptists were, how unloving they were, etc.

I pointed out to him several times that he was doing the very same thing to Baptists (i.e., condemning them, being overly judgmental, etc.) that he accused them of doing.

Funnily, after he got married, he switched from Methodism to - I think - Presbyterianism - or some other protestant denomination.

~~ Cartoon (in .bmp format, I hope it shows up okay) ~~

Click to view larger image:


IS Host, direct link

Anybody know the variation of that Denomination joke that had to do with bra types? I think one was supposed to be about "saving" or "raising" the fallen...

I hadn't heard of that one

Here's something someone forwarded to me recently (sorry about the ALL CAPS, but it was sent to me like this, and I don't feel like re-typing it):

These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district...........

(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it! :-) )

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit! ;-) }

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSEI DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SA! LLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FO R BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

That reminds me of some strange things that were found among doctor's notes, such as:
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation."
"Patient has a teenaged child, but no other abnormalities."
"Lab results show abnormal lover function."

Dec 19, 2005:
It takes a long time to download on a dial up modem. It has sound, but I didn't listen to it with sound on. Parts of it were crass, but I don't recall seeing anything really bad such as nudity...
White Trash Christmas
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Some of these are bawdy and may be a little too risque' for some folks, sorry. This was forwarded to me.

I've seen #11 on a bumper sticker before

The Top 16 Country Music Songs:

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night...That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight... 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend...And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is. . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women...but I Sure Woke Up With A
Few

This was in one of the ads on top of the board:

End Procrastination Now
Hypnotize yourself, get things done. Be excited in just one CD session

I think I'll order the "End Procrastination Now" CD later.

Ha ha, I slay me...

Forwarded to me by a friend:
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Answered by children:

How do you decide whom to marry?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

What is the right age to get married?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 ( very wise for his age )

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 ( isn't she a treasure )

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day Iwould call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?

(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all crossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 ( bless you child )

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is

How would you make a marriage work?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10