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Worst Super Heroes of All Time
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Worst Super Heroes of All Time| flea dip |
Posted: Aug 16 2008, 03:28 PM
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 Card Carrying Madonna Hater  Group: Admin Posts: 24,706 Member No.: 2 Joined: 2-June 05  |
A list from Cracked:
Worst Super Heroes of All Time, Page One Page 2 Excerpts:
What if instead of a radioactive spider, Peter Parker had been bitten by a radioactive butterfly? He'd be a freaking laughingstock, that's what. Some ideas for "super heroes" should have never been spoken aloud, and when they were the creator should have been laughed out of the room, preferably through a tenth story window. Instead, seven of them were fitted with origin stories and sent to the presses giving us unintentional hilarity like: #7. Madam Fatal Madam Fatal was Murder She Wrote in the 1940s if Murder She Wrote involved more criminals getting punched in the face by an octogenarian lady. So it's more like that episode of The Golden Girls where Bea Arthur has to rescue Sofia from the Mafia using only her muscular, mannish body and her experience as a female wrestler (it is entirely possible we dreamed this episode). What Went Wrong? But like all super heroes Madam Fatal has a secret. Her Mike Tyson-like knock out power is fueled not by hatred of whippersnappers, but by testicles. And no, she doesn't eat them for protein. Madam Fatal is a dude. And really, who hasn't had a date that ended just like this? Stupid Craiglist. The Madam's real name is Richard Stanton, a retired actor from New York, who dressed as a woman to rescue his daughter from some kidnappers. Richard liked it so much he decided to continue fighting crime using only his wits, face punching and acting abilities. By "acting abilities" we of course mean dressing like a woman all the time. That's his superpower. He/she is a superhero in the same way that Mrs. Doubtfire was a superhero. They could have made it less lame by, well, by doing anything. But more specifically, if the guy had used his super acting skills to disguise himself as a doctor, a policeman or as a fellow crook, using his amazing powers to disappear into any room. But no, Mister Stanton wrestles men while wearing old lady clothes. And we're guessing that when the crime fighting is over, well, he just leaves them on for a little while. #1. The Black Condor Thomas Wright was a Senator of the United States; who when not doing whatever the hell it is that Senators do, dressed in the manner of an exotic male prostitute to fight crime and Nazis as the amazing Black Condor. Yes, he was one of the many, many superheroes from around World War II who nobody remembers (or in this case, perhaps repressed the memory). What Went Wrong? Do please sit down, because this one is a doozy. Little Richard Grey was born in Mongolia during a scientific expedition his parents were members of. The expedition was attacked by bandits and everyone died except for baby Richard, who was later found and raised by condors. If huge carrion eating birds don't know how to raise a baby, then who does? Not bad for a bird that doesn't even live in Mongolia, or anywhere near Asia for that matter. By the way, did we mention that the condors taught him how to fly? Yes, apparently being raised by birds means you can slap aerodynamics in the face. If you were a comic book writer back in those days working for peanuts, you wouldn't give a rat's ass what you put on the page either. Richard was later found by an old hermit who taught him how to speak and sent him back to America, where Richard found his next conceptual victim: Democracy. Richard uncovered a plot to assassinate U.S. Senator Thomas Wright. Since Richard only has the power to fly and possibly also the power to eat rotten dead things, he tried to save the guy's life and failed miserably. But every murderous cloud has a silver lining. Richard stole Wright's identity and that's how a barely literate orphan raised by birds and a crazy old man in the desert became a senator. We understand that during World War II, America needed heroes, and you could say that even completely nonsensical and sh**ty heroes like the Black Condor were better than nothing. You could say that, but you'd be wrong. We don't think we're stepping out of line here when we say that a world ruled by the Fascists would probably have still been better than a world governed by undercover super-powered feral bird men |
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