Debate: Are cats just useless dogs?, SERIOUS BUSINESS IN HERE OKAY

This forum has not seen life for literal years. I honestly don't know why, maybe we wouldn't be stressed out if we yelled at each other about things more often. Because of this, I have decided to start this debate.

I, personally, do not believe that cats are just useless dogs. In fact, I propose the opposite! Dogs are, in fact, incredibly useless cats!

Many people believe dogs are better than cats because dogs will actively show you love, affection and loyalty. I call bullshit on this; Yorkshire terriers, and many other breeds of dog, have time and again proven that they are nothing but vile, contemptible balls of hatred. They do nothing but walk after anything and endlessly bark at it, for no reason whatsoever! They have no real purpose beyond that; these dogs don't show love! They don't show affection! They don't show loyalty! They show nothing but hatred!

Dogs are also far more violent than cats. How many times have you heard stories about cats flipping out and mauling people? For me, I've heard none! On the other hand, stories about dogs large and small flipping out and murdering the living shit out of people are relatively common. Dogs are evil bastards and do nothing but cause pain and spread hatred!

Cats, on the hand, are actually useful! Cats continually supply the internet with much merriment, providing endless images and videos of entertainment for everyone. Even the most cold-hearted bastard (myself) can't hate on a video of a kitten doing practically anything, because it's a fucking kitten! IT'S A FUCKING KITTEN!

Speaking of kittens, it is an established scientific fact that kittens are eternal engines of pure, unfiltered joy and radiance. This makes them a glorious drug for rabidly depressed people, compounded by the fact that kittens can easily be lifted up and sniffed to extract this joy from them! There is no health risk, there is no danger of getting the shit murdered out of you.

And for the musicians out there (that's you, Star), cat lungs make excellent strings for violas, violins and fiddles! Go murder a cat the next time you need new strings!

There, I have made my case. What say you, PDS users?

Yeah, I should just make a debate thing about how you guys now give me nothing but bullshit (or at least Rick is just upping the anti) , bit this is lighter key.

Anyways, as quoted above, I prefer dogs over cats. I'd normally just leave it at this and go to bed, but I guess I could argue.

All dog breeds are different. Some are small, large, loud, shy, whatever. Some are as annoying as I am (to an extent, that is). But that's nothing the The Dog Whisperer can't handle (that's right, a TV Show). Or their master is just a complete douchebag, which cats don't care about anyways.

And speaking of TV Shows, I'd also like to bring up this. Now, I like reading, but most of the population would rather watch something than read it (unless the movie counterpart sucked as much as the video game that came after it). This actually has to do with nothing. Just thought I'd bring it up.

And why forget Cerberus? Come on, he's a three headed badass from Greek myths. Any noticable cats in Greek mythology?

And even if you have to walk your dog(s), it gets you to have a LITTLE exercise and gets you off of the compy. Cats, however, do not need to be walked. This only proves the theory that fat cats make YOU fatter as well. And speaking of walking pets...

I'd also like to add that cats spawned the satanic Meow Mix Song. That song has brainwashed TOO MANY PEOPLE DAMMIT.

And even though no one would ever put it past Star to do so, who else would want to reach into their cat and pull out its organs to create strings? Cold blooded murderers, that's who.

Okay, so even if this argument has more holes than...er...swiss cheese and is probably just boosting your reasoning, still had some fun makin' it anyways. Also, why can't we all just, you know, get along?

Both dogs and cats have their ups and downs. While it is true that dogs can be violent, especially stray dogs and dogs in the presence of cats and other small animals, and that dogs, especially the small ones, can be annoying and destructive, cats are not without their faults.

(Also, any intelligent dog owner would know to avoid those breeds of dogs, as well as properly train their pets and avoid violent strays. But I digress.)

Cats are boring. They are fat, lazy sacks of potatoes. Useful if you have a rat problem, or maybe a need for catapult ammo, but otherwise they are totally useless.

Not so with dogs. They are guardians, exercise aids, floor cleaners and weapons. Dogs are man's best friend for a reason. They're loyal through and through! A cat could care less about your entire existence, while dogs offer unconditional love.

As far as cuteness goes, puppies are cute, kittens are cute, dogs are cute, old fat cats are ugly as sin. Everytime I see my girlfriend's grumpy furry lumps she calls pets I want to stick it in the microwave, stick the microwave in a blender, stick the blender in a burlap sack, through the sack in a river and throw the river into space.

Also, cats on the internet are not, were not, and never will be funny. Now "Over 9000"? THAT'S comedy.

But there's only one way to solve this to the end. FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

VS.

Making new arguments for the Court Room sounds fun though, perhaps I shall make one! Quick, to the ship!

Alright, let's do this shit.

You say "dogs are big piles of hatred" as if every dog fitted that description. There is a no-number of dog breeds that you'd see dancing tango before they barked at someone for no reason whatsoever. And mostly every dog will go for their owner to show them they like them, rather than act like cats who do the exact opposite. They stay there, sitting on their furry asses, until you grab them, put them on your lap, and start petting them.

Let me tell you something, actually: I've been attacked by more cats than dogs, up to this date. Maybe one dog bit me once, and a couple more barked and jumped at me, but I've been scratched and/or bitten pretty deeply by cats more than five times.

And on real life, dogs are waaaaay more amusing than cats. You can't teach your cat awesome tricks. Maybe a couple things, like "No shitting over my face while I sleep", "Stop trying to kill my bird/fish/spider/snake/alligator" or "When I tell you 'food', I'm going to feed you". You'll never manage to make a cat know by just looking at a ball on your hand to you want him to go pick it up after you throw it.

The key word on your next saying is "eternal". Nothing is "eternal". And on top of that, cats live less than dogs most breeds of dogs, even if you take good care of them. And as dogs grow older, they end up being more awesome, even wolf-like. More serious, more "Don't mess with me. I'm too badass for you", but still keeping their "Ooh! Ooh! Ball! Throw it! Throw it!" attitude the rest of the time. Older cats go entirely "Shut up. I don't care. Get the fuck out of my sight, you idiot."

And finally, on the practical usages matter: dog carpaccio is great, and you can make a whole fucking coat out of a single Saint Bernard. It takes several cats to feed a single person, and even more cats to keep them hot.

So, HA! I have a counter-argument for everything you said. I believe unless you show this courtroom good evidence of your claims, mister Corkindale, this case is mine. *strokes goatee*

Not so fast, Prosecutor Xartarin! Lang Zi says: even the strongest wolf cowers in fear before the domestic house cat!

Alright, I don't have homework today because I came back from an AP exam, so allow me, if you will, to begin poking holes in your already rather hole-filled argument (in case you were wondering, I was planning to place your argument on my sandwich as if it were a slice of Swiss cheese, because it might as well be.) Allow me a bit if your time, if you will. I'm not going to say that you're not going to regret doing so, because you will, but it's not like you can do anything to tear apart my perfect Logic, isn't that right?

To begin, we have this piece of testimony!:

I object to this, on the grounds that cats are far from boring! Unlike a dog, whose fur is like a wet rag, particularly when it is wet, the fur of an adorable little house cat is smooth and silky to the touch, making them quite pleasurable to pet! In addition, cats can provide hours of entertainment, provided one owns a laser pointer or a small container of catnip. There is no such a thing as "dognip".

Keep this in mind as I cross-examine the next piece of your testimony.

Every bit of this except for the part about the weapons is a complete and utter lie. To start with! Guardians! Ha! This is a foolishly foolish statement that only a foolishly foolish fool such as yourself could foolishly utter, you fool! And why, you ask? Because this is a stereotype. While it is true that some dogs may indeed protect you, other dogs may decide to take a shit on your hand in your deepest darkest hour of need. On the other hand, cats, as you are aware, do nothing, and this, I believe, is the crux of my argument. They will not be protecting you from any harm, but at the same time, they will not ever turn on you either! From this I can conclude that cats teach human beings how to fend for themselves so that they need not a "guardian" who will eventually turn on them like the traitorous little bastards they are.

Now, then, the next part of my argument revolves around your claim that dogs are "exercise aids". This could also be true, however, it has its downsides! When a dog is taken for a walk, there are only three things it does besides walking: bark at things, smell bad, and take a shit on the street. Cats are sophisticated, Xartarin. They do not take shits on the street. They know that they are supposed to use the litter box like good little domestic animals. Dogs know no discipline. No matter how well trained a dog is, it will always shit on the street, just as how toast will always land butter-side down.

Dogs are not floor cleaners. This is simply untrue. They lick the floor. THIS IS THE BASIS OF YOUR ARGUMENT. THIS IS INCORRECT, XARTARIN. YOU ARE A FIB-WEAVER. Haven't you ever considered that while dogs do indeed clean food off of the floor that they leave their foul-smelling saliva behind. Because. They. Do. One could argue that dogs do not clean the floor, but in fact, make it filthier. Cats rarely do such a thing because their saliva is nice and clean. The fact that they lick their coats to clean them is a testament to this.

Dogs are indeed weapons. This I cannot disagree with.

I can disagree with, however, the statement "Dog is man's best friend". This is clearly sexist, Prosecutor. Women gained the right to vote with the passing of the 19th Amendment, and in doing so, they gained the ability to kick your ass. I strongly advise you to get with the times, lest you be assaulted by an angry Secretary Bird, for they are a highly feminist species.

Dogs do not offer unconditional love. If you do not feed them, they will likely not love you at all. This is true of all animals. You cannot deny this.

Enough of this idle banter. Next piece of testimony, please:

Your statement "old fat cats are ugly as sin" is irrelevant for one and only one reason: old fat ANYTHING is ugly as sin. This is undeniable. You cannot prove me wrong on this one point. In addition, I must say that your microwave statement suggests that Xartarin mistreats a majority of the pets he owns, thus damaging his credibility and forcing me to alert PETA so that they may send a complaint to your office. Yes, PETA is indeed the group of animal activists who sent President Barack Obamasnow a fly-catcher because he swatted a fly in the middle of a speech he was giving.

Your sense of comedy eludes me. I believe you may have to offer more details before I may provide a proper rebuttal.

This is your fatal flaw, Prosecutor! Your pit bull thing stands no chance against viscious cat mob.

SO YOU SEE, YOUR SO-CALLED LOGIC IS NOW READY TO BE CONSUMED.

Also William ninja'd me. This argument took way too long to write, there is no way I am spending another 30 minutes or so writing a rebuttal to William's statements.

Hahaha, I see you have managed to stand against the claims of my companion, but I can read through you like an open book! You say you would not waste 30 minutes rebutting my statements, but the truth is, you just can't rebut them. They are perfect! I AM THE PERFECT ATTORNEY/PROSECUTOR!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaahacoughcoughurghblearhaghhackcoughcoughohfuckimdying

Very well, you seem to have time to kill, seeing as you are strutting about gloating as if you were a great big heron who flies into kitchens and messes up pots and pans. Let me see some your Logic! Show it to me! Refute my arguments, Your Honor!

They do.

I call bullshit on this; I haven't ever heard of any breed of dog that doesn't bark for no reason. Every dog does, because dogs do that. Ever spoken to yourself? Same thing, really.

Tell me this; have you ever had a pet cat? Like, ever?

Cats are quite capable of showing you affection. Hell, do you want to know why cats kill small animals and bring them to you? Because they see you as their kitten - their child - and feel that they must feed you and take care of you. Many cats will come up to their owners and jump up to their laps or up on the chair beside them and just curl up.

I know this from experience; I've had three cats in my life. My first cat usually got most attention from my mother; as a result, every morning, it would stroll down the street to a neighbour's garden and pull a rose off one of his rose bushes and then bring it back and give it to her. It eventually stopped when she made it clear that that wasn't allowed.

Time and again you've informed us on IRC that you have pet dogs (amongst others). While their sense of smell isn't as good as a dog's (near as I can tell without copious NERDMOBILING), cats do have a damn good sense of smell. Just washing something with water won't get rid of the scent; the cats could quite easily have detected the scent of dog (or pig, maybe? You said you have one of this) and reacted negatively.

No, they really aren't. Why do you think all those internet images and videos exist? Because, all over the world, cats are actually doing these things. What will a dog do? Take a piss on something, go into the street and shit on the ground, bark a few times, sleep, maybe do some boring tricks if you teach it to them. And while this is happening, another dog will have come along and eaten your dog's shit.

Yes, dogs eat shit, even their own. Cats don't eat their own shit.

Cats can fucking talk.

Cats can be taught to bring a ball back to their owners, you know (1:27 to 2:11). My mate (who owns a dog, amongst a fuckload of rodents and, oddly, a snail) informs me that his dog didn't bring balls back until it was taught to do so, too.

In fact, if that guy in the video is right, his cat ended up doing this by itself.

Hope springs eternal, mate.

When dogs grow older they spend more time sleeping in their own shit and fat, plagued by a myriad of diseases and physical problems from old age usually. At least cats are just lazy.

Also, wolves aren't friendly creatures and will likely (and have) maul(ed) the living shit out of people, thus proving that all dogs are balls of hatred.

No, even dogs will eventually stop caring. Everything will become uncaring and apathetic as it gets older, this is why old people are usually boring.

The person must be a greedy fucking gorb (HURR HURR BELFAST SLANG) if he needs to eat several cats to be satisfied. Haven't we established that using Choc in experiments renders them pointless, Will?

Also, cats make great paperweights, shredders and dusters. Set a lazy cat on some paper; that paper won't move. Set a particularly shred-happy cat in a box of paper that needs shredding; the job will be done. Pick up a cat and rub it liberally against a television screen; there won't be any dust on it (trust me on this; my father did this all the time with our second cat).

And now, allow to me render all your arguments useless: CATNAROK

*strokes moustache*
*wiggles eyebrows*

I like cats better.

End of story.

So does this mean that Aki is an animal murderer? And doesn't care about cats or dogs at all?

And she also took my whole "Dogs are man's best friend, so cats must be woman's best friend because both are opposite dogs are badass like men while are women are *some outrageous sexist statement* like cats" blahblahblah.

Either way, to go with my stupid persuasive essay I have to write about racism:
Cats and dogs will always be different. There will always be opinions and favoring. That only means that there will always be prejudice.

(And Aki forgot to add mustard to the sandwich of cat-lovers' desires. The mustard OF OUR DOOM!)

Speaking of Mario, dogs in there are BADASS. I mean, look at Chain Chomps, which were inspired by dogs? And don't you go off about Chain Chomps being violent yadayadayada, because they're meant to be.
And without Poochy in Yoshi's Story, you could never do those 30 melon runs. And in the level Poochy Ain't Stupid in Yoshi's Island, you couldn't kick Baby Bowser's ass without having Poochy help you cross OVER LAVA and spikes to help you beat the level and proceed.

On the other hand for cats, I can't recall one in Mario. But there is that...ugh...Big the Cat. That guy only approves the fact that cats are fat and stupid(actually, I don't care for that argument). He was step one in the production of the Sonic Cycle. And I can still not get to Perfect Chaos because I don't care to go FISHING instead of running around collecting crap (and by "crap", I don't mean "frogs").

And there's Blaze the Cat. I've actually haven't a legit playthrough of Sonic Rush to reference to, but she's still an animal friend. And according to all Sonic fans, the animal friends are what killed the series. Before you know it, Ray the Squirrel is revealed in Sonic 4!

(Man, I should've used this time to post in Godhand...)

SPEAKING OF GODHAND, the Sith Cat described by Evil is, well evil. I mean come on, it's drunk! And even though most of the Irish would refer to that as good, what kind of influence is that to "the ladies"?

And the Cheshire Cat was kinda creepy. 'Specially in the new movie.

(NOW I'm done)

You are far from done.

what is this i don't even

where were you when brown v. board of education was decided

i don't even like mustard

chain chomps are not dogs, though! they're goddamn chain chomps.

i don't even know who poochy is but it sounds like poochyena which is a pokemon that is a dog so all you are really saying is that dog pokemon are useless.

On the other hand, Sonic the Hedgehog doesn't have any dog characters AT ALL.

You lost this point the moment you said "according to all Sonic fans" because almost all Sonic fans overreact like crazy. Chooch can explain more if he so pleases.

i fucking give up

Video Game and general media cats and dogs cannot be used as examples in a serious debate AT ALL, Chocolate Kirby. Even if they do represent what some people think about those animals, it's dumb to say "Cats are scary because I'm a pussy ((oh god that was awful)) and the Cheshire Cat scares me into shitting my pants beyond oblivion!"

Also, "Animal friends"? "Sonic"? Aren't all Sonic characters animals? Well, other than the magical and mechanical ones, anyway.

And drunk being a counter-argument to anything is by far the dumbest thing you have ever said. Okay, ajina is probably worse, but this loses by a neck!

Geesh, we might need a "Debate: How can Choc still keep surprising us with his 'naivety'?" topic! Your lack of sense is why we keep making fun of you, you know. I am sure we would eventually forget about your eyebrows if you grew up a little.

((Aki, I'll counter your arguments regarding dogs and cats later, when I'm not so awfully fatigued.))
((Also, expect a PM later on, too. I thought of something that you might (or not) like.))

1. It's called Cait Sith.
2. It isn't evil. I have not stated that it is evil, only that it is a Guardian and it is drunk.
3. Cait Sith is a Scottish mythological cat, goddammit, not an Irish one.

I don't have the fucking time to really tear into this at the moment, I'm leaving this there.

P.S. Will's post (the one before this) is entirely right all everything he mentioned.

Well, I knew THAT was coming, but I didn't know this.

Or this.

1) I have a cat and she is adorable.
a. She likes me
b. She likes me better than anyone else

2) Dogs scare me, especially the small ones. (well the small ones move faster and are yappier)

3) There is a cat-themed Homestuck troll. Is there a dog-themed Homestuck troll? I think not.