Kosaku's EWIWASIG, "eh whatever i'll write a story i guess"

[William]

<@Kosaku> once upon a time there was a guy named kosaku who lived in the state of north dakota
<@Kosaku> the thing about north dakota is that everyone in it is named kosaku
<@Kosaku> so kosaku's next door neighbor, kosaku, was mowing his lawn while kosaku, our protagonist, was trying to look up the phone number of his friend, kosaku, in the phone book
<@Kosaku> naturally, he easily found it within the first five seconds
<@Kosaku> and also quite naturally, kosaku discovered
<@Kosaku> that he did not even own a phone book, and it had been stolen the previous day from a complete stranger kosaku did not know (this being the definition of "complete stranger"), but who he reasonably could assume was named xartarin
<@Kosaku> this man's name was william
<@Kosaku> and had been desperately using this phone book to try and find his friend rick, but had a lingering thought in his mind that he was nearly, but not quite, in the right place
<@Kosaku> quite naturally, our protagonist kosaku has never actually heard of pds and is quite a separate person from the narrator, kosaku
<@Kosaku> therefore, the focus of our attention will shift to our new protagonist, the phone book, henceforth named "kosaku"
<@Kosaku> kosaku, our protagonist (i.e. the phone book) did not altogether enjoy having its pages flipped and was none too happy with the fact that all of the names inside rhymed with "mosaku"
<@Kosaku> that is to say, it altogether SEEMED not to enjoy these things, but was in fact a phone book
<@Kosaku> the phone book's only actual thought was "my, my, this story already seems longwinded"
<Suika> but the book's for 6
<@Kosaku> yes, the phone book's other thought was "6 does seem quite an elegant number. too bad i am not six pages long"
<@Kosaku> switching back to a place where there was some actual action
<@Kosaku> kosaku's house appeared to have been set on fire
<@Kosaku> by some strange freak lightning bolt
<@Kosaku> from what appeared to be
<@Kosaku> a power line, and definitely NOT a yellow rodent of any type
<@Kosaku> because of this, kosaku appeared to be in great distress while kosaku the fireman attempted to quell the flames and kosaku the police officer asked some questions about the blaze
<@Kosaku> kosaku, the governor of north dakota, decided that perhaps it wasn't a very good idea for everyone's name to be kosaku
<@Kosaku> but, as it turned out, having just one name in a phone book and then a list of phone numbers decreased printing costs so much that north dakota was able to finally conquer greenland after six long years of absolutely no contact or conflict of any kind
<@Kosaku> there was a great cheer amongst the people, and many ships set off to greenland to explore their new domain
<@Kosaku> therefore, it was quite a surprise when they discovered that, of all the things to describe greenland as, "green" was not one of them
<@Kosaku> let's shift our focus to myself at the time, shall we
<@Kosaku> tyler verlinden, the only person in north dakota who didn't have the name kosaku, picked up a newspaper
<@Kosaku> the government of north dakota had always considered mr. verlinden a nuisance, primarily because he cost them two cents in printing costs
<@Kosaku> therefore, it was quite a relief to this mr. verlinden when every single last damned kosaku left north dakota for greenland and no one was left to tar and feather him
<@Kosaku> however, little did he know that KOSAKU THE PHONE BOOK WAS RIGHT BEHIND HIM
<@Kosaku> KOSAKU THE PHONE BOOK was promptly thrown into the proper trash receptacle (that is, the one for things named kosaku)
<@Kosaku> so, verlinden decided that he would enjoy a carefree existance, when all of a sudden his phone rang
<@Kosaku> picking up the phone, verlinden asked who was calling
<@Kosaku> "hello, is this gavin mccorkindale?" asked the man on the other end of the line
<@Kosaku> "no, this is zach baldwin," replied verlinden
<@Kosaku> "oh, i must be in greenland then," said william, and promptly hung up
<@Kosaku> little did william know that he WASN'T IN GREENLAND AT AAAAAAAALL
<@Kosaku> william was, in fact, in ireland, standing on the top step of gavin's sort of building-shaped structure where he happened to live
<@Kosaku> in the quaint unspecified size settlement of wherever-the-hell-gavin-lives
<@Kosaku> will pondered why everyone in the story thus far had been referred to by their real names except him
<@Kosaku> but then figured he wasn't exactly sure if he really wanted to go by the name "guilherme" or not
<@Kosaku> so, as the power lines flapped in the breeze, william walked down gavin's steps, walked over to the sort of building-shaped structure to the immediate left of gavin's sort of building-shaped structure
<@Kosaku> and knocked on the door
<@Kosaku> zach baldwin answered the door
<@Kosaku> "hello, is this gavin mccorkindale?" asked the man at the other end of the door
<@Kosaku> "no, this is tyler verlinden," replied baldwin
<@Kosaku> "oh, i must be in canada, then," said william, and promptly hanged baldwin from the ceiling by his ankles
<@Kosaku> little did william know that he WAS ACTUALLY IN CANADA
<@Kosaku> he then left canada as soon as possible because he wasn't sure if the narrator could resist breaking out the old canadian stereotype
<@Kosaku> canada conquered ireland six years previously
<@Kosaku> and so william ended up arriving in mainland canada
<@Kosaku> walked up to the first house he saw
<@Kosaku> and kicked open the door to find a man hanging from the ceiling by his ankles
<@Kosaku> "what is this, wonderland," sputtered william
<@Kosaku> "hi, i'm gavin mccorkindale," said gavin mccorkindale
<@Kosaku> william opened his mouth to say something, but realized he didn't have any reason to actually visit gavin mccorkindale
<@Kosaku> so, he untied gavin and then hanged him from the ceiling by his wrists
<@Kosaku> shifting our attention to zach baldwin, alias tyler verlinden
<@Kosaku> we will find that zach was having a fun time as the blood rushed to his brain and the pressure in his skull was steadily increasing
<@Kosaku> however, the combined weight of all of the kosakus on greenland
<@Kosaku> caused the whole island to sink
<@Kosaku> the resulting tidalwave flooded the coasts of ireland
<@Kosaku> the resulting flood caused everyone to panic for no good or adequately explained reason
<@Kosaku> and the resulting reason
<@Kosaku> was, as i've mentioned
<@Kosaku> not adequately explained
<@Kosaku> also zach baldwin died but no one really cared all that much
<@Kosaku> meanwhile, since william had completed his long-awaited quest of tying gavin to the ceiling by his wrists
<@Kosaku> he decided to party in the most vacant state he could find: north dakota
<@Kosaku> therefore, it was quite a surprise when the aforementioned kosaku, the rabid phone book, suddenly mauled william with no warning
<@Kosaku> perplexed, verlinden peeled off the "kosaku trash receptacle" label
<@Kosaku> and found a "THIS IS WHERE YOU THROW THE RAAAAAABIES" label underneath
<@Kosaku> and during all of this
<@Kosaku> the dreaded virus, "xar-charm-32-6-21" escaped zach baldwin's body and killed the entire world's population
<@Kosaku> or so they wished
<@Kosaku> in fact, they suffered a fate worse than death
<@Kosaku> the world's population metamorphosed into zach baldwins
<@Kosaku> if the world's population of kosakus had still been around, they would probably have found it amusing that their names were kosaku but their bodies were zach baldwin
<@Kosaku> THE END OF PART ONE I SUPPOSE IF I DECIDE TO KEEP DOING THESE
<@Kosaku> OTHERWISE THEY SOON DIED

[Kosaku]

who the hell dropped the ball here
i wrote this second ewiwasig a long while ago
here it is with editing out of irrelevant parts


<William> i can't help but hear "catch up" as "ketchup"
<@Kosaku> well they're pronounced the same so
<@Aki> nu-uh
<@Aki> catch up is like "cah-ch up"
<@Aki> while ketchup is "keh-chup"
<@Kosaku> maybe where you live they are pronounced differently
<@Kosaku> they are pronounced exactly the same here
<@Kosaku> as "ketch-up"
<@Aki> Well, I guess that works
<@Kosaku> well
<@Aki> ...It's wrong
<@Aki> BUT IT'S SLANG
<@Kosaku> more "ketch-chup"
<@Aki> SO OF COURSE IT'S NEVER GONNA GET FIXED
<@Kosaku> what makes you say it's wrong, oh high and mighty marylander
<William> ay, ay, ay
<William> She comes from the Holy Lands of Mary
<William> She has the rights to tell you what is right and what is not
<@Kosaku> then i must come from the Zombie-Infested Dakotas of North
<@Kosaku> ...or
<@Kosaku> something not like that at all
* @Aki drowns Kosaku's zombies in Mary.
<William> It's the other way around, actually
<William> Maryland is the place usually attacked by zombies
<@Kosaku> dakota means friend in some native american language
<@Kosaku> we are a friendly, hospitable, brain-eating people
<@Kosaku> and there are a ridiculous amount of lakes in the state next over to us, minnesota
<@Kosaku> we can swim.
<William> There is a classic Romero soundtrack that's been used in several movies where some dude goes "It has been confirmed... That the dead are rising, in the State of Maryland"
<@Aki> D:
<William> Or something like that
<@Kosaku> yeah
<@Kosaku> we were stealthy until we reached our target
<@Kosaku> we had like five hundred napkins to wipe the blood off
<@Kosaku> later bob ate all the napkins and we had to go to a store
<@Aki> oh bob.
<@Kosaku> do you realize just how much fine motor control
<@Kosaku> is needed to swipe a credit card
<@Kosaku> at checkout
<@Kosaku> too much
<@Kosaku> so we ran from the cops and were wanted for grand theft napkin
<William> go for a next EWIWASIG
<@Kosaku> i suspect that is what i'm doing right now
<@Kosaku> it will probably require heavy editing (Ed.'s note: Yes, yes it did.)
<@Kosaku> anyway
<@Kosaku> so we've got all these napkins
<@Kosaku> and we find out we've already made it to maryland
<@Kosaku> on foot
<@Kosaku> with apparently no food
<@Kosaku> besides napkins
<@Kosaku> and so we go find a phone book
<@Kosaku> unfortunately due to our lack of fine motor skill
<@Kosaku> we accidentally rip up like half of the phone book
<@Kosaku> and the rest of it is about fifty thousand lines in total
<@Kosaku> all reading "THIS SPACE FOR RENT"
<@Kosaku> we forget why we came there in the first place
<@Kosaku> so we stop for food at the local fast food place
<@Aki> pffft
<@Kosaku> as we're eating the person at the register, the manager comes out and asks us if we'd like some keh-chup
<@Kosaku> to go with our meal
<@Kosaku> i flap my zombified jaw at him and yell "aaaaah naaaaaaaghhh waaaaantzz ketcccch-chhhup"
<@Kosaku> the other zombies
<@Kosaku> including bob
<@Kosaku> "okay," says the manager, "but it's pronounced keh-chup."
<@Kosaku> "keeetch-chhhhuuuup"
<@Kosaku> "keh-chup"
<@Kosaku> "keeeeeeeeeetccch-chuuuuuuuuppp"
<@Kosaku> "keh-chup"
<@Kosaku> "keeeeeeeeeeeeettccch-chc-chhhh"
<@Kosaku> i ended up eating him and the ketchup.
<@Kosaku> and stole all of the napkins from the counter
<@Kosaku> anyway, i had remembered why i'd come to maryland
<@Kosaku> because of my dispute with aki over the pronounciation of the word mustard
<@Kosaku> "muuuuusst-tuuurd"
<@Kosaku> and so, without my motley crew of zombies (they were busy having a napkin fight), i set off to find aki
<@Kosaku> without a single map
<@Kosaku> intact phone book
<@Kosaku> or even her freaking last name
<@Kosaku> and so
<@Kosaku> i gave up
<@Kosaku> obviously
<William> Her last name starts with K
<@Kosaku> also i was pretty sure this whole escapade didn't even follow the canon of the first EWIWASIG
<@Kosaku> yeah i know that
<@Kosaku> and so this episode comes to a close
<William> That was quick
<@Kosaku> that was EWIWASIG Part 2: Collector's Edition -- The Dispute Over the Pronounciation of 'Soy Sauce'


right, when was this written

may 21, 2010

wow