Deviant art link
This is not a continuing story, this is the whole thing, start to finish, it's kinda short, but ti gets the message across
WARNING: the content is somewhat dark and if you don't like sad things then you might not want to read this.
|QUOTE (Me at DA)|
|This was kind of experimental, trying to right something in present tense, since most stories are all past as if being told to you by someone else, idk, just wanted to try something new|
so without further delay:
[spoiler]A blackbird chimes a pretty note breaking the silence. It is about 6 AM in this quiet town, day has just broken and everything is pale and quiet. The season is winter which means it is bitterly cold and the ground is littered with snow. All is silent; all the townspeople are fast asleep and would be until at least 7 when it is time for the children to go to school and most of the workers and farmers to start their work. It is a small town, where everyone knew everyone, and everyone knew everything they needed to live their humble lives.
All is quiet as the blackbird sits upon its perch, alone. No crickets to chirp, they are all dead or hibernating due to cold, no squirrels playing in trees, also because of the cold, no other birds because they were all smart and flew south, because of the cold, and of course, no early waking people staying awake, or even going outside, because of the cold. All is one, and one is all, as the blackbird sits on its perch.
The blackbird enjoys its solitude, it chose to stay where more knowledgeable birds had chosen to go, because simply put, the blackbird somehow knew it would be safe enough from the bitter cold. Yet still it worries as it sits on its post, winter is so long and the end of it doesn’t seem to be coming soon. So the daring blackbird chirps another playful note, and lifts its own spirits slightly.
The town is cold and dull, not even a breeze to interest the blackbird, only endless snow with some houses and trees here and there. Yet the blackbird doesn’t mind, it is not like people who need some sort of action or entertainment or scenery to enjoy itself, it is just fine with its solitude, for in this moment the blackbird has something that no person on earth has, absolute perfect peace, and quiet solitude, without a worry to bother it.
This lasts sometime before the blackbird begins to hear a thump coming from the house behind it, it was actually perched on said houses wooden fence, about fifteen to twenty feet away from the house itself, the blackbird ignores this noise even though it ruined the rather perfect moment, the blackbird assumes that it must be time for the children to wake and bother their parents and then go off to school if it was one of the days they went.
Soon the thumps become more collected, until two children come out of the house, they are wearing thick coats to protect them from cold; the little blackbird is braver than them. The blackbird turns around to see what is going on, one of the children is slightly chubby, while the other one looks similar, but is shorter and skinnier than his counterpart, and they are both boys, about the age of eight to ten.
The blackbird turns back around to mind its own business, and try to ignore these two boys as they ruin the blackbird’s otherwise perfect moment. Though the blackbird wants to mind its own business, it finds it hard due to the fact that these people, it wishes desperately it could understand what these children were saying.
“Hah, yeah right, you couldn’t hit hat bird if were a foot from it!”
“I bet I could hit it from right here!”
Soon the blackbird forgets the little children, as all they are to it is a bunch of squabbling nonsense, and soon the blackbird calms down and returns to its retrospective state of mind, completely drowning out the squabbling of the children not too far behind it.
As the blackbird watches the day, the clouds part slightly, and the sunlight brakes through them, and a beautiful image forms as the light refracts of the snow crystals, and for a brief moment the dull, cold town is beautiful, and then it is gone. The blackbird hears the children talking still, and wonders if they are talking about this brief event, and if they are, and thus blackbird and the children are on the same level of thought, they are completely different on the outside, but the same free mind of thought on the inside. The blackbird thought…
WHAM! A somewhat large rock hits the blackbird on its right wing, knocking it to the snowy ground below, it instinctively tries to fly to safety, but its wings are broken from either the stone or the fall. The blackbird is weak, its blood staining the white snow, a dark contrast to the endless white abyss. The blackbird knows these are its final moments as the child shouts, the blackbird wonders why this happened. It was just a harmless being, enjoying thought, peace, and freedom, when some opposing creature had, for no reason, struck it down.
The blackbird lay in its own broken bones and blood as it dies, the child that threw the stone exclaiming to the other in his victory, and for the blackbird all was quiet, and then all was gone.
It is not this quiet town that is so bitter and cold.
It is the whole cruel world that is.
Yosh! :yush!: Kay, so I read through this, twice, and it looks like you enjoyed writing it. :) But... I have some criticism. :o
-first off I found this short story quite interesting. At times, when I was reading it, I would wonder, “what's the point of this," or what was going on, which is good because it engaged me, the reader.
- I had to read it twice to understand the theme, which was well thought out.
- The ending was nice, but it couldve slightly been better...
- though it was good I did notice some grammar or spelling errors.
- I felt that some sentence just dragged on. You were a bit too wordy.
- when describing something you need to use sensory words. Simply saying a chubby; skinny boy will not work. It needs to leave an image in the readers head.
- You used a of of repetition... For instance, you repeated cold a couple of times very close to each other.
-The beginning was dull, and the writing seemed so informal or simple. You want to try attracting or pulling in the reader in the beginning as best as possible. On a side note though, it did get better in the middle.
- Now the story wasn't bad, but it could definitely be a lot better. I would write more, with quotes too, but it doesn't work so well on my phone, so I'll edit this later so it's better. Hopefully this helps, and you understad I'm trying to help you out as best as pssible. :)