From Hell's Heart, Episode II, Feedback

I did some tweaking to the structure and format of the "From Hell's Heart" series, and you might have noticed that I went ahead and gave Khan a "voice" through the letters that he writes. Last week, I decided to muzzle Khan and let "The Master" speak for him.

On a personal note, I did the tweaking from last week as a form of punishment for any potential openings I left as fodder for the other RPs that were posted. I'm still trying to get the hang of Khan and its dynamics, but hopefully I'll settle into a groove with the character that I seemed to never be able to find as Gaither.

So which Khan RP was better: last week's or this week's? Thanks!

If you're trying to get away from the Jack Gaither stuff, I'm surprised you've kept John Gillmen as a part of your work. If you're really trying to distance yourself from anything you've done before, your first half of your RP could have been easily interchangeable with Gaither or Kahn. Or any character you've come up with.

If I signed up as a new character, I wouldn't use anything I've used with Miles if I'm so desperate to really start a fresh.

EDIT : Why the fuck did I sign into this Steve account

Yeah, just to save confusion this was me. Not on my usual laptop and totally didn't even know I had that Steve account. Why did I write I AM SORRY - I AM A TOOL! in the sig? hahaha!

Well, I'm a HUGE fan of metafiction that's had some ideas regarding the "John Gillmen composite (and that's what Gillmen is, a composite of everything I've experienced over the years), and having Gillmen do the transformation was one of them. When Gaither won the WH and LH titles last June, it got me to think "what if," and so for references, I looked back at a previous storyline where Gillmen was feuding with Wren and one of the conditions of that match being Gaither gets a title shot should Gillmen win.

Gillmen won the match, Gaither won his titles, BUT...as you will see later on, Gillmen becomes mighty pissed that Gaither never thanked him for his assistance. Couple that with the "attack" angle (when Gillmen was ambushed by the hooded men--one of which was Gaither), and you're gonna have this psychological change take place. The stories themselves take place using Gillmen's perspective (with a new cast of characters) and DON'T involve Gaither directly--just in bolded references. This helps me out greatly in that I AVOID using Gaither directly in the story itself by sticking with Gillmen along with the new cast and settings. In a manner of speaking, I traditionally put a lighter tone on most of Gaither's stories, but Gillmen's is more darker and serious.

This week, the seed has been planted. You'll just have to wait awhile before it begins to sprout.

I'm with Steve on this one. If you're trying to distance yourself from stuff you've done before, don't use the same characters and don't bring old characters back up. Tying everything together is fine, but if your intent on bringing in a new character was to distance yourself from your past ones, don't keep bringing them up -- it just makes it seem lazy, IMO.

In regards to the RP itself, it was okay. I had to read it a couple times, because it didn't really grab me like I'd hoped. The writing is good, but it just seems like you're trying too hard to be mysterious.

Well, this series of RPs is supposed to illustrate the point that Gillmen's and Gaither's stories are intertwined--and they will eventually come to a head at some point in time. These stories are, in essence, "flashback" sequences that are told through Gillmen's own perspective (set in 2011 as opposed to the present day) as he continues his teaching career/transformation while keeping close tabs on how Gaither was doing in PWA at the time. Most of Gaither's stories (the "goldeneagle" RPs from August until December of last year) never mentioned Gillmen at all; this was a trick on my part to make sure that Gaither DIDN'T know what Gillmen was planning all along--until it was too late.

Eventually, all the loose ends will be tied up, and then the shit REALLY hits the fan.

Here's how you can differentiate the "goldeneagle" RPs from the "Dragon Khan" RPs:

1. The "goldeneagle" RPs are like the Star Wars Original Trilogy, told from another perspective yet dealing with Gaither's routines.
2. The "Dragon Khan" RPs, on the other hand, are intended to resemble the Star Wars PREQUEL Trilogy. They deal with Gillmen's rise as an English teacher in Japan and his dark thirst for vengeance that people simply dismiss as a joke.

So the Gillmen Flashbacks are designed to focus more on how Gillmen discovered Khan and how Gillmen transformed from this inspiring lecturer to an evil son-of-a-bitch.

Here is some feedback for you John.

Plus Points:
It is well written, you have a talent for writing, you just need to find your edge when it comes to story telling.

This character has lots of potential; as long as you do not tie your hands the way you did with Gaither; if something isn't working or isn't doing what it needs to do then you need to spice it up, sometimes it's best not to map you the journey in pen; use pencil so that you can edit it a whim (That's a metaphor by the way lol.)

From the writing I can see you are enjoying the new character just try to avoid those same pitfalls.

Negative points:
Having Khan speak (In a letter I know.) But I feel this lets the character down a little; if Khan was to never speak and his only mouth piece was The Master then it would add the mystery you are looking for.

There isn't enough subterfuge to mystery around the character IMO; By this I mean for something to be a mystery it has to be barely mentioned, barely seen or heard, instead we have you lay it all out within 2 RPs and it waters down your ideas and the mystery part becomes convoluted and obvious.

Take The Riddler in Batman; he would offer ONLY one clue as to his master plan JUST ONE! One riddle which would then take Batman weeks to figure out; and once he had it figured, once he had learnt what the riddle meant Batman would head to his next destination...TO FIND YET ANOTHER RIDDLE! This would go on until Batman solved it all and The Riddler was exposed and sent to Arkham.

Now this wouldn't have been as half as good if the Riddler sent Batman ALL the clues at once; as Batman would have put them all together and figured it out in mere days; And i fear this is what you are doing and people will lose interest in the character VERY quickly.

Nobody want's to read something where they are being pushed into the story or having their hand held along the way; for a mysterious character to work you NEED the readers to THINK about it themselves instead of point them in the direction you want them to go.

Can I just add that 'letters' scream elderly women who're upset that they saw a bit of sideboob on their favorite TV show and complain to TV stations. Not killer monster heel in pro wrestling.

I can just see it now; Next week on RAW after a month of stalking, beat-downs, torture and attacks on his friends... Kane gives John Cena a letter...Huh!?

Check out Kanes new BLOG on why John Cena's Twitter is mainly followed by kids and chicks!

Thanks Sam and Steve.

I'm trying to work out the kinks on how I'm planning on developing this story; hmmm, maybe switching the "present day" scenes from 3rd to 1st person might be a peachy idea. That way, it gives me the chance to focus on two "cast" members and make it easier to bring it all together.

And my reasoning for this is also due to the fact that results are usually several days late, which drags on that lull I have in which I can't think straight.