March 12th, 2012

This is my fault. Everything I have complained about the past couple of years is my own doing. If it was just wrestling I could live with it. The business for as much as I love it is exactly that, a business. It’s just hard to keep your personal life separate from your profession when the spotlight never goes away. I’m not even one of the biggest stars, though I should be, even so the weight is often too heavy to bear. This journey is one I shouldn’t be taking alone. The problem is that every companion I’ve had I’ve pushed away. There were a lot of hands that helped get me where I am today but I’ve slapped them away. One of my biggest regrets is how I tossed aside Jake Keeton. The man was a mentor and friend, and I let my head become to big. I wasn’t smart enough to stick with his guidance, and I let my judgment become clouded. The choices I’ve made have molded me in a man I can’t stand to look at. Like I said if it was just this business I would be alright, I would make it. It isn’t. My hear it broken, shattered, empty. I can’t go on without her, my one true love.

[The house of Ryan Shane doesn’t feel much like a home lately. While never a luxurious palace it gave off a sense of warmth. You could tell it was built on love. Now there is nothing but a stinging cold that comes from much more than the cool wind that still blows this time of year. He hasn’t been the same since she left, hell he isn’t the man she fell in love with. Bitterness consumed him, and that’s all there was. It was all he could stay focused on. It wasn’t until she left that his eyes were truly opened. He sits on the edge of the bed they shared and looks at a picture. It’s one they took on a vacation, one from a happier time. He wishes he could see her face smiling back on him. Instead he tears himself up inside because of how he’s hurt her. At this moment, there is nothing left to live for.]

I love her. I always will. We were going to get married, start a family. How could I throw it all away? The best thing I’ve ever had, gone.

[He sets the photo down beside him, placing the frame outside down. He couldn’t stand for her to see him this way. On the other side of him there is an assortment of various medications. Individually they all serve a helpful purpose, but together they become a deadly cocktail. This is the first time Ryan has found himself in this situation. It was only a few years ago when he almost died of an overdose, but he was spared. In that moment he felt reborn, renewed, chosen. That was the moment he knew he was meant for more, but never knew what it was going to be. He thought it meant he would be the next big thing in the PWA. It wasn’t long after he battled with death that he faced Terminus and came out on top. His successes at that time weren’t to be measure in championships. His prize would be love. A love lost, and with it hope extinguished.]

This must be God’s idea of a cruel joke. I should have been dead and gone, free from pain, free from hurt. Instead I sit here wishing it all ended that one night. Tonight is my second chance, one I won’t fail.

[It isn’t without some trepidation that Ryan nervously opens the plastics bottles and dumps the contents into his hands. The amount of pills are to numerous to count. Each one an opportunity he will miss out, one for every unanswered call, or unreturned text message. One by one he places the pills into his mouth. Tonight Ryan Shane will die. This is something many have wished for, and most would say good riddance. Ryan Shane isn’t worth a damn. There is only one thing that can save him now and it sure as hell isn’t God.]

Previously…

March 9th, 2012

Brian: Are you doing alright man?

[Ryan is startled by the voice and the hand that has tapped his right shoulder. His mind focused on thoughts they shouldn’t be.]

Ryan Shane: I’m ok, right now anyway. It isn’t getting any easier. I miss her, more than words can say.

[His cousin takes a seat across from him. The two are meeting for lunch at a small local restaurant. Ryan is grateful for the distraction.]

Ryan Shane: I don’t want to talk about her.

Brian: Fair enough. Business then?

Ryan Shane: I’d rather.

Brian: Big match coming up this week.

Ryan Shane: I guess so. I mean it’s good to be on the PPV. In the past few months there hasn’t been much stability and if I can pick up a win against someone like Howdy it might make my future a little more clear.

Brian: Captain Howdy is no small task. Don’t worry about him though. If you’ve been back on the training regimen you used to do your body should have no trouble keeping up.

Ryan Shane: It isn’t my body I worried about. It’s my mind. Some days are better than others. I try to lose myself in my training to numb the pain but it doesn’t always work. Howdy is a master at getting into people’s head. The way that I am feeling, he might as well have me beaten already.

Brian: I understand you’re hurting. But you will get though it. She will realize deep down that you’re a great guy and she will come back.

Ryan Shane: That’s the problem. I’m not a great guy, not ever close. I’m a selfish asshole. I’ve let hate and plots of revenge turn me into something I never wanted to me. I used to be a nice guy. I could separate myself from being in the ring. In my personal life I used to be just plain ole Ryan Shane, but now I am “Right Now” Ryan Shane all the time. Do you know how humiliating it is to say that?

Brian: So change it. That’s something only you can control.

Ryan Shane: It’s not easy. I feel like there is only one choice. I need to give up the dream of being a wrestler. It’s the only way to keep myself sane.

Brian: Then do it. I’ve walked away. Sometimes it’s all you can do.

Ryan Shane: I’ve tried. It’s just hard to stay away. In the past few months I come and gone and people are taking notice, in a bad way. No one gives a damn about me because I don’t stick around long enough to make an impact. Everything I do try fails, but I can’t quit.

Brian: Not even if the costs are greater than you wish to pay?

Ryan Shane: I know…that’s why I feel so shitty about it. That’s why I’m just staying focused on Captain Howdy and Driven By Hate, the best I can anyway.

Brian: Driven By Hate, I bet that rubs some people the wrong way.

Ryan Shane: It’s par for the course. Josh Cantrell has never done anything of note in the PWA and he comes back and gets a PPV named after him. Someone sees something in him, but by now I am used to people just coming in and getting everything I never did.

Brian: Don’t blame Cantrell. I know him a bit. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just doing what we all do, trying to get a bigger piece of the pie.

Ryan Shane: So where is our waitress already?

[The rest of the meal Shane puts on a brave face, never quite letting his cousin know what’s really going on inside his head.]

I wish I could say it feels like old times. When I defeated Cross Recoba, I figured a weight would be lifted off of my shoulders. That was pretty stupid of me. How could I think one match could fix all that had gone wrong the past couple of months? It was a match I should have won. If you look back through history, everything pointed to me winning the match. Nothing was accomplished, nothing has changed. The fans have never respected what I could do, but in the past they would let me hear their disapproval. I don’t even get the satisfaction of boos. It’s going to take more time to show them the error of their ways. That’s fine by me, I’ve rededicated myself to becoming the presence in the PWA I was born to be. In the past few months I’ve learned a few things. There is no one who is going to see that I’m successful but me.

I was almost forced into retirement forever when I lost to Jack Gaither. There has never been a lower point in my career. Having hit rock bottom I figured I would be stuck grasping to climb my way back up, facing the new guys. That is usually humiliating for both of us. For me because no matter what has happened, I know I am better than some scrub fresh off the streets. They have it so much worse, because they have to face me. It’s never good to start off with a lose on your record. Instead of the bottom I was dropped somewhere in the middle rungs. I’m halfway between the top and the bottom, and depending on what I accomplish I could find myself going either way. If I ever want to fulfill my destiny I need to finally start my ascension.

Captain Howdy, when I first saw our match was cancelled at Violation 147 I was pissed off. In my eyes it was just another sign of the disrespect I’ve always had to deal with in the PWA. Then I realized it may have been a blessing in disguise. It’s clear that I’m not at the level I once was, put I am working at that. It’s a never ending grind, but I will do whatever it takes to finally claim my spot as one of the best. What that means for you Howdy is that I’ve been given more time to prepare, more time to fully develop a plan to make sure I walk out of Driven By Hate with a victory under my belt. I will have a bigger stage to remind people how talented I am. Beating Cross Recoba at Violation 146 was a given, and did nothing to peak anyone’s interest. Recoba is nothing more than a waste of space, nothing when it comes to the PWA. Howdy, you’re something special in the hearts and minds of the fans. Whether they love or hate you, the fans respect you. They know you are one of the best they’ve had the pleasure to see. I may scoff at your talent Howdy, but your track record says otherwise. You are indeed one of the most decorated wrestlers the PWA has ever had.

You don’t have to look far to see your list of accomplishments Howdy. You’re a former world champion, heel of the year, and have had the feud of the year. The problem with all those accomplishments, they are in the past. What have you done lately Howdy, why are you relevant. Even with my frequent breaks I still was able to capture a Premiere title reign. You’re doing nothing but holding onto a thread, the same thread that has allowed you to last thing long. In all of your accomplishments there is still one you don’t have, a win over Ryan Shane. We’ve only faced each other once before in a one on one match. That seems like forever ago, but let me jog your memory. The last time we fought I was almost unbeatable, and you couldn’t hope to beat me. I didn’t even have to hit a finisher to end the match. That’s how good I was, and it proved how big of a fraud you were and always has been. That was your biggest year, 2008. It didn’t change the fact you weren’t better than me then, and you’re not better than me now.

The difference between us is simple. I am a real wrestler, talented and in great physical shape. Howdy, you’re nothing more than a novelty act. You’ve always filled a niche that the PWA has had. Most of the time, you were carried to respectability by guys like Jake Keeton and Terminus. While all three of you may have been world champions, something I’ve never done, I’m alright with that. The fewer distinctions I share with Jack Gaither the better. Captain Howdy you’re nothing more than a deranged mental patient. You have no real skill or talent. Sure, you can be dangerous, but most of the time it’s to yourself. I’ve never feared you Howdy, you’ve never gotten into my head. Now that you’re nothing but an empty shell of what you used to be there is no reason for fear. You used to be a monster, but you’ve grown soft. No one wants to cheer for someone like you Howdy. You need to realize that, you need to know any compassion people show you it because they feel sorry for you. If the PWA wants to see a monster they will get an opportunity this week. I can be ruthless. I can be dangerous. I can be scary good. If that’s what it takes to get back on top, then I will do it.

We all want to get back on track Howdy. You’re not special in that regard. I’m sure you see me as the perfect target to right whatever wayward ship you’re steering. I’m expecting a war Howdy, and I know what you can deliver. In another place and time we could be headlining a PPV named after me, yet another accomplishment you have over me. Instead we are going to have to just make due with being thrown on a split card. For most people this match is a throwaway, one in their eyes you will easily win. I know everyone has written me off. That’s a mistake, and one I know you’re not making. I think we may be the only two who see this match as it really is, a measuring stick. The winner of this match is probably heading in the right direction, the loser? Well like I said, the PWA will always have a spot for you Howdy. I can’t afford to talk in what ifs. I’m going to win this match, it’s what I need to do. So I’m going to bring everything I’ve got and you do the same, because to steal your thunder…playtime is definitely over!

March 12th 2012 4:00am

[It’s late and though Ryan Shane has tried to keep a strict diet and training regimen, tonight he has slipped. Never a big drinker he spent most of the night trying to cope, to make himself forget how much it hurts. The rest of the night is a blur. He has no idea how he got home, and no clue who the brunette lying asleep in his bed is. It’s just another long line of mistakes he has made. He sits there unable to do anything but cry. His muffled sobs cause the woman next to him to stir. She is attractive, nothing special. One of those dime a dozen girls you find at a bar. She is also still quite drunk, and without inhibitions.]

Woman: Let mommy make it all better…

[She begins to kiss him below the belt without going into detail and he is too weak to even stop her. It isn’t long until the act is finished and she stumbles from the bed and heads for the bathroom wiping his lips with the back of her hand along the way.]

Ryan Shane: What the hell am I doing?

[The woman returns completely naked, discarding the t-shirt she was wearing before. Like “Hungry” Jack Swanson at an all you can eat buffet she is looking for seconds. This time Ryan has his wits about him and pushes her away.]

Ryan Shane: This is a mistake, you need to leave.

Woman: I will, in the morning. Let’s just have some more fun.

Ryan Shane: You need to leave now!

[The raising of his voice causes her to back off a little.]

Ryan Shane: I said leave!

Woman: It’s four in the morning, how am I supposed to get home?

Ryan Shane: Walk, take a cab, I don’t care. I just need you to leave.

Woman: You’re a jerk you know that. I thought you were going to be fun. All you turned out to be was an asshole who cried during sex.

Ryan Shane: I never cried during sex…it was after.

Woman: Well I am going to let everyone know, and tell them you have a small dick!

Ryan Shane: You can do whatever you want as long as you get the hell out of my house.

[The woman gathers her things and leaves. Ryan hands her some money, like she is nothing more than a prostitute. She didn’t turn it down. His anger is directed at the wrong person. It isn’t her fault he is in this situation. All she wanted was a good time, with a good looking guy. She didn’t know the emotional baggage that was weighing him down. With her gone the crying hasn’t stopped and Ryan’s eyes have become red and have begun to sting.]

The End…

March 12, 2012

[Ryan sits there on his bed just moments away from eternal rest. In his mind he fights himself, trying to justify what he is doing. He tells himself it’s the right thing to do, and that he can’t ever hurt anyone again. His death may bring short term pain but in the long run, the world will be better off, she will be better off. Shane uncaps a bottle of water and delays taking a sip, giving fate every chance to intervene. As the liquid rushes past his lips he feels the vibration of his phone. Anxiously he checks to see who is calling and in that moment he spits the contents of his mouth onto the floor. There is still more to his story. He answers the phone.]

Ryan Shane: You saved me…