An unknown source once began what would become an infamous quote: Things aren't always what they seem.

Even when you think you have it all laid out before you, what your mind can perceive to be true and what truly is real are not always the same. Sometimes the lines of reality and fantasy can be blurred and as human beings we are blinded but what we refuse to see.


Strength: @ 12:54PM CST


"I really need you to be with me right now, I need to be strong right now. I need to know, I need to find out, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. You've always been my strength and I need you to be my strength once again."


"You know you can cry, it's okay to shed a tear."

Tony glanced up at his mother, doing all he could to fight back the tears. The young Tony bit his bottom lip, trying to keep it from quivering. He had been told since he was old enough to walk that crying was a weakness, and weakness was not an option.

"But mom," Tony's voice was cracking, "...dad..."

"Never mind you're father. You're father lives in a world that only he can see. You're better than that. I see something special in you."

Tony lets the tears start dribbling, still unsure of himself. They begin to drip off his chin and splash against the hardwood floor. "I just don't get it, mom, I really don't. How can he...."

"Come here honey," Mary beckoned her son. He went to her, feeling the comfort of his mother. She pulled her sobbing son into her bosom as he really let go and cried for the first time, something his father found unforgivable for a man.

Mary let Tony cry it out, and then walked him over to the bed, and sat down next to him. She reached to Tony's face and wiped the water from his face with the sleeve of her sweater. She then placed her hands on Tony's legs, her palms flat, giving Tony that feeling that only a mother can give a young boy.

"You listen to me, Anthony. I love your father, I really do, but you're not you're father and you're not your father. Your father chose his path, your brother wants to follow in his steps. But you, Tony, you're something else all together. You're your own. You're better than your father."

Tony sobbed. "Then why does he do the things he does to me and Maria, but he lets Lucas skate?"

Mary looked at the floor for a moment, a lapse sorrow masking her face. She took a moment to collect herself, and then looked Tony squarely in the eyes. "It's because Lucas has all the Carmangelo in him. He's your father through and through. When you're father looks at you, he sees the Field in you, he sees that you are more like me on the inside and he's envious of that. You're father is a jealous man, and in you and Maria, he sees what he wanted for himself but never could have. When you reject him, he sees his legacy dying. Pure and simple jealousy, Anthony.


Shock: @ 11:13AM CST


I grab for my cup of coffee and take a sip as I glance out the window to see Faith with her swimming lessons. I can't help but to smirk at Chance as he swims and kicks in the shallow end trying to learn from his sister.

Sitting behind the computer desk I reach over and flip on the monitor. My private messenger kicks on automatically and I suddenly get a message

You Have 1 New Email

My curiosity peaked, I click on it. A message suddenly pops up from an unknown sender. I read it once, rub my eyes unable to believe what I just read, then I re-read it.


To: realdealfield@windowslive.com
From: Unknown
Title: The Past Catches Up to Us

Anthony Santino Carmichael Jr.

You cannot run from your past. You cannot hide your sins.

But you cannot run forever.

Your sins have caught up to you. And you will be made to suffer. Everyone close to you will be made to suffer. Soon you will know the true meaning of pain and of loss.

And it will all be your fault; just like your mother, and I will do it again.

Shivers run down my spine and I feel the back hair on the back of neck standing straight up. I'm not real sure what to make or what to say to any of this. It's really caught me off guard. I try to find an IP address, but nothing.

As the memory of that day starts to rush back to me, I can't help the tears that start to dribble down my cheek.



"I don't know where she is, Tony," Maria pleaded, "She’s never been late for our Wednesday lunches before."

"Just calm down, she's probably fallen asleep. I'm pulling up..." Tony paused, "that's odd...."

"What is it?" Maria's voice sounded off on the other side of the phone.

Tony approached the heavy oak door that entered into their home. It was left wide open, which was an anomaly in a home where doors stayed closed and locked even when someone was home.

"The doors been left open," Tony said into the phone. "Let me call you back."

Tony clicked the phone shut, never giving his younger sister the chance to argue the point. Tony pecked on the open door. "Mom, you home?" Tony stuck his head inside. He knew his father was gone; he was out of country on a business trip. "Mom, where are you?"

Something seemed off, he could feel it in his gut. Something told him to just turn around and walk out the door, to call for help and pray for the best, but he couldn't help himself. He stepped into the large open entry room. He saw something out of the corner of his eye, a busted tea cup laying in the archway leading into the kitchen.

"Mom, you okay," he called towards the kitchen. Tony took a deep breathe as he strode toward the kitchen. Then just as he stepped into the kitchen, he saw it. He only glanced at it for a second before turning out of the room, but those few seconds seemed like an eternity.

There, lying in the floor, surrounding by her own blood was his mother. Her lifeless body nearly drained of all her blood; he could see a slash across her throat. Her favorite white sweater was now colored crimson. Tony got near the front door and just fell flat against the wall, unable to move, paralyzed by shock, fear, and sorrow over what he just saw.

He flipped open his phone and called 911.


Obsession: @ 11:28AM CST


Where are you going Tony? Did something upset you? I really wonder what you could have seen on that computer that has you reaching for your keys and suddenly jumping into the car visibly upset.

I follow behind Tony, watching him very closely. I know his Avalanche very well, purchased February 25th of this year, license plate number DWH 812, expire in two years. It's hunter green with a small nick on the back rear bumper where some obscure car opened the door against the panel.

Tony doesn't even know about that one.

I watch as Tony turns down I-270. I follow closely behind, just like I always do. I'm always there, Tony just doesn't realize it.

It doesn't really matter what my psychiatrist says, I'm not crazy. Those pills I have in the glove compartment, I don't need them. I might as well discard them, but if they find out I'm not taking them, they'll lock me away again.

Don't want to be locked away again.

Can't be locked away again.

Refuse to be locked away again.

I notice Tony getting off the highway on some old road. I must be getting lackadaisical because I almost missed it. I have to cut across three lanes of traffic, almost causing a collision, just to remain behind Tony, my destiny.

Where are we going, Mr. Field? Where are you taking us?


"Tony, don't do it. This isn't the place. Please, baby, just not now." Anne pleaded with Tony. Tony looked at his wife, considering what she said, but he already had his mind made up as he glared across the room at his father.

He blamed his father. He couldn't help it. What had happened to his mother was cold blooded murder. And Tony just knew his father was tied up in all of it.

"Look, Anne, I can't just let it set there. It's like a giant elephant in the room. If I don't get it out, I'm gonna go mad."

The thing was, Tony knew his father's business all too well. What was done to his mother, the slitting of her throat, was a statement, there was no other explanation. In his father's line of work, crime and murder were common place. Tony knew this all too well, he'd grown up around it..

"Tony, don't..." she grabbed Tony's arm but he pulled away as he approached his father. Most people treated his father with total reverence, but this wasn't a time for reverence and Tony wasn't most people.

"This is all your fault, and you know it," Tony called out to his father before his Anthony could even turn to face his son. "You and you're little so called "family business" did this to my mother. I really hope your pleased with yourself you son of a bitch."

"Tony..."

"Don't Tony me, I don't want to hear it. What I want to hear is what the fuck you're going to do about it?"

Anthony eyed up his son, calm, collected, just as he always was. He very rarely lost his cool, at least in the presence of others. His son did have a knack for pushing his buttons, however, and he wanted to explode on his son. But rather, he chose his words wisely.

"First of all, you should know as well as I do that she wasn't involved in my business affairs and outside of being my wife has no ties to it. Secondly, you also know that people outside of those business aspects are off limits. I know you may think of me and my kind as criminals, but we do live by a code, and a very strict one at that." Anthony clasped his hands together, and then let out a sigh. "BUT, I am looking into it, and believe me, if I find someone who did do this, they will suffer like no man on this earth has ever suffered before."

Tony just shook his head as he turned on his heels.

He couldn't buy it.

He wouldn't buy it.

His father was tied up in this and he knew it. He knew it just like he knew water was wet and the sky was blue. At that moment in time, Tony no longer had a father. That part of him died with his mother.



Preperation: @ 11:08AM CST


I've just gotten back from a long trip. First it was off to the hospital for Ash, then to Beligum for vow renewals, then to Conflict. But the work never ends.

I have a big match to be prepared for. I need to go over the analysis for it, match tendencies, and all the other many stats that I'm sure Derek has already sent to my e-mail as a part of his crucial preparations he puts me through.

There are certain things I do know though.

I do know we need this win. We want, no, wait, we deserve a title shot that somehow keeps eluding us. This is the perfect chance to prove that.

What better statement that beating the tag team champions? We've beaten them once before, but they were only contenders then, they weren't the real deal as many would put it.

Thing is, they still aren't the real deal. I don't care what they've accomplished this far, there is one feat they are still yet to complete, and that's defeating Dysfunction. When you take two stars of the caliber of a Tony Field and an Ashton Crowley and you piece the two together, there's no stopping us. Hell, we are two of the most accomplished wrestlers of the past ten years who can work together as a cohesive unit. We're a well oiled machine who can play off one another's own actions and feed off each other competitiveness.

The thing that people like ERA don't seem to understand is that it's not the stiff competition that pushes Ash and I over the top, it's one another. There are no two men even near the same plateau as the two of us, so we are constantly pushing one another, trying to prove we are strongest link and an already near perfect team.

Things are very different this time around, though, I will say that. The last time around I have a feeling that ERA may have saw us the new kids on the block and underestimated what we can do in the ring. That's perfectly understandable in some sense, but in another sense it's totally reprehensible.

This time however, holding a victory over the tag team champions, while we may not carry the gold, we may very well be the odds on favorite to win this match. So maybe I should expect the unexpected out of Davis and Michaels. Maybe they do have a slight advantage this time around.

But then again, there's something very different about us. First of all, we are playing a new role, and a role I've come to embrace. For some reason the crowd has got very behind us, despite our antics, or maybe it's because of antics. Either way, last time around they were the proven and tried PWA veterans, but now it's almost as if we have the home field advantage and the numbers behind us with the crowd to push us to higher levels.

And we are fighting together. That's the thing someone like Davis and Michaels can never fathom. We walked out with a win without being on the same page last time around, with Ash and I nearly at each others throats and constantly about to come to blows.

Secondly, we are fighting for something this time. Last time we were still getting our feet wet, wearing off the ring rust, and getting a feel. We had no real rhyme or reason behind the match, no real motivation outside of just another tick mark in the win column. Now, it's an entirely new ballgame. Now we have a purpose behind the madness that is Dysfunction, and it lays in those tag titles that Davis and Michaels make a poor attempt to represent.

Of course, there's the two wildcards in this match. One of those being NightHawk, one factor that I have no control what-so-ever over that is totally out of my hands. But I'll lay my trust in a man that is out for vengeance after being screwed out of his title and can still manage to hold his head up high any day of the week.

The other wild card is Jake Keeton, a man who I have no ties to, but who can still be linked to my past.

I wonder how fulfilled he is to be a faux champion? I've been there before, I really have. To hold a title you didn't earn, to just have it handed to you and to hide behind. Yes, it is a title reign, yes, it does make you a champion, which that in itself is something. But I've come to realize that all that doesn't matter.

Here's where my eyes have been opened and Keeton's has been shut. It's not about being champion; it's about being the best. Now I've always been a firm believer in strength by numbers, and I still am to an extent, but at the same time, how can you truly be the best there is to offer when you can't win it on your own terms? How can you hold your chin up high and look into the eyes of anyone and say you are the best there is to offer when you didn't earn it? It's a lie I've lived before, and a lie can only stay buried deep within for so long.

So yes, I understand where Keeton is coming from. I've been down that road though, and that road doesn't always end pretty.

I suppose Keeton could just ask brother.

Ahh, yes, the past. I do know Keeton's family very well.

Once upon a time, much like Keeton himself, I was a proud champion of a title that was handed to me by the aid of others. I defended the title proudly when I saw fit, always finding someway to retain even when it didn't look like I had a prayer in the world. There was no road to low. I'd hide behind multiple man matches, ambushes, having the commissioner in my back pocket, one sided stipulations, anything and everything I could to retain my title I did, including turning my back on my best friend.

But there was someone hungry enough, someone tired of being held back. Someone tired of me constantly pushing me out of the scene. Then I faced off with Josh Cantrell, the brother of Mr. Keeton, and my time ran out. I forced my hand into a rematch, putting my career on the line, only to get beat again and never to show up in wrestling again until three years later, when I made my first appearance in PWA.

Yes, I may have been wrong back then, but while I may be a different man three years later, I'm still very much that same person. I would still love my vengeance for having my livelihood ripped out from under me. And while I may never get my hands on Cantrell, perhaps I could take some of that aggression out on his brother.

And Keeton's time will come. I'm living proof you can only take the low road for so long. It may be me later down the road, it may be NightHawk, it may be some dark horse, but his days are numbered. It's the simple cycle of life, what goes around eventually comes around. To me, Keeton's sudden actions make him no better than his father.

So perhaps I am a little more mentally ready then I supposed. I'm ready to make my presence fully felt this week at Conflict. I'm ready for myself and Dysfunction as a whole to being our ascension to the top.

But now on to those match analysis, never can have too much of an edge.

I glance back at the computer screen, and then I grab for my cup of coffee and take a sip as I glance out the window to see Faith with her swimming lessons. I can't help but to smirk at Chance as he swims and kicks in the shallow end trying to learn from his sister.


Deliberation: @ 11:28AM CST


Could it all really be? I can't buy it, what have I done to deserve this?

I absentmindedly reach into the console and grab for a bottle of pills. I flip the top open, the piece of plastic bouncing off the windshield then flopping to the floor, landing slightly on the side before falling flat.

I put the bottle to my mouth and tip it up, three pills run hit my tongue and I swallow them dry. Then I notice my exit coming up, I cut across the lane getting off the highway in a hurry.

All this time, all these years, I've never spoken a word to my father. I've blamed him, Maria's blamed him, and we just knew it to be. It was his fault mom was dead.

But now? This email? What could it really mean? Could it have been an attack to get to me?

I know I've burned a lot of bridges in my day, but I don't recall ever doing anything to justify this. My sins aren't deserving of this.

I don't buy it. I think it's someone just fucking with me, someone who knows me, knows how I'll react. But I need to know. I have to be certain.

I turn down the long gravel road. I haven't been here in ages, but perhaps it'll clear my mind. Maybe it can give me some clarity, because right now I'd kill for some clarity.


Observation: @ 12:52PM CST

Now I see where you're taking me, Tony. You haven't been here in a couple of months, have you?

Look at you shake, trembling from head to toe. The memory of her still haunts you, doesn't it? It shakes you to your very core.

Go ahead, reach for another pill, that's all you need you fucking genius. For someone so intelligent, I really wonder about you sometimes, you and your addictions.

After making the short hike down the road I see you, standing there, talking. I duck behind a tree, watching you, observing you. Are those tears I see in your eyes? Poor Tony, I really feel for you, suffering like this, visibly upset over a small email.

She really was that special to you, wasn't she? You had more than a mother-son relationship with her, I can see that. She was your best friend and you're confident, wasn't she? You, you're mother, and Maria; you were a family amongst the family, disregarding your father, Lucas, Thomas, and Brookes.

You still don't trust anyone, do you? Anne, you trust her, but that's different. But you never have fully let Dustin and Ashton in have you? Even those two you've shielded from certain things, pushed them away when the time was convenient.

Tony, you really are such a...what's the word, it doesn't come to mind. Complex is close, but doesn't even begin to touch the edge of what you are. Unique? Could that be it?

If you only knew what's destined of you.

Go ahead, talk to her, she won't answer, but I will if you ask me nicely.


Apprehensive: @ 12:54PM CST


"I really need you to be with me right now, I need to be strong right now. I need to know, I need to find out, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. You've always been my strength and I need you to be my strength once again."

I reach down and touch the headstone, tracing my fingers along my mother's name as I stares down at her final resting place.

"If this really is because of me, I don't know if I can deal with it. I don't know if I can find strength on my own to do what needs to be done."

I do all I can do to fight back the mixed bag of emotions I'm feeling right now.

Pain, sorrow, regret, vengeance, humility, helplessness.

It all comes rushing to me.

It's at that moment I know what I need to do. I have to find out. I have to know for sure, no more questions, no more assuming. This is something I have to do, as much as I fear it and want to run from it.

Two names keep popping to mind, over and over in my head. Two might be able to steer me in the right direction.

My father I'm totally prepared to deal with. The other man...all I can do is mumble his name...

"...St. James"