Solutions, Forum Game of sorts...

The basics are as follows: someone presents a real life or hypothetical problem or situation in need of a solution, the next poster provides a solution to it (original and preferably outrageous or funny, best if all combined). So then, the posts should contain 3 parts:

1. Comment on above solution (optional).
2. Solution to above problem.
3. A problem in need of solution.

An example post:

That's about how it should go... Repeating the same problem is np, just don't repeat the same solution as that obviously ruins the whole point .

So then, to start it off, the first problem is the plaguing of African crops by Locust swarms, a real life problem. How'd you kill the little bastards (if you would kill them at all)?

I would genetically engineer non-swarming locusts (locusts with the swarming impulse cut out by selectively removing a gene) with a dominant, auto-replacing non-swarming section of the genetic code (some bits of genetic code are passed on 100%, rather than 50%, of the time even if they're only on one of the two copies of the chromosome, for complicated reasons)

This avoids killing off the locusts completely before we fully understand the impact, but will within a couple of dozen generations cut down their ability to swarm hugely, making them much less problematic.


How would you solve the "demographic crisis" in government pensions, whereby the younger generation will be too small to adequately supply the older with the pension's they've been promised?

But locusts swarm for a reason (probably.) You'd probably end up wiping them out anyway.

As for the old people, the answer is simple: Assassins. If you survive three assassination attempts, you get to live out the rest of your days with a pension. This ensures we keep only the wiliest and most able of the elderly.

How would you deal with the urban fox population? (bearing in mind that they are scurrilous mangy pests who eat cats, raid bins, scream in the middle of the night and have sex underneath my damn window)

I would invent a ray that turns them all into Vixens.

Either kind of Vixen, it works. Although, if they all turn into you, they may keep having sex underneath your window.

Or, more realistically, we introduce Urban Fox Hunting. You just walk around in gangs with mutts and pitbulls and stuff, shouting insults about the foxes mothers, until they're flushed out, then you shank them and steal their mobiles.

How would you solve the problem of people beggars/junkies pestering people for money?

I have a Pitbull, I'd be down for some urban hunting .

Anyways, the problem at hand. I would legally ban such actions (so you'd be free to call the cops whenever someone pesters you and stuff), but create an Institution that taxes all salaries by a small ammount (1-5% depending on position and ammount of cash they earn). Then, people which are poor would need to prove they are exactly that (in most cases won't be a problem), which would get them "membership". All members would get an equal split of the money raised each month. Granted, in some cases this will actually mean less income to some more prosperous beggars, but it would clean the streets and save them time so they could possibly get a real, productive job (and the percentage could increase, don't vote on numbers! ).

Here's a hypothetic/fantasy one. A giant active super-volcano suddenly emerged in the middle of Europe (say Germany or France), it may errupt at any minute, which would cause complete destruction in the said country and spew ashen smoke into the sky of entire Europe, blocking out the Sun and other crap that'd happen as a side-effect.

Sounds like a benefit system, combined with heavier policing of beggars. I suspect the policing would be the active ingredient.

As for the super-volcano, simple, we nuke China. They're the only ones who really could be to blame.
And when they nuke back, hell, we're dead soon anyway.
Then humanity rebuilds from those who went into shelters able to survive, without the populations of cities causing overutilisation of resources, as all the cities were nuked earlier.

Another fantasy one: You get bitten on the hand by your mother, who has just turned into a zombie. How do you deal?

Oh yes, start a nuclear war, that's a good way to deal with a supervolcano

Presumably, you turn into a zombie if your mother bites you, and theres not much you can do about it. Beyond locking her in your basement with a selection of other zombies until your bastard uncle holds a huge party in your house that nearly results in the zombocalypse.

Hmm, I watch too many films.


So, you're sitting in your house one day, having a bath, when a ring on the doorbell gets you out. Turns out to be another one of those bloody charity hawkers. Enraged beyond all measure that you got out of your nice warm bath for this, you swear to wipe out the menace of Chuggers (charity muggers) and their ilk once and for all. How do you do it?

(Actually, I guess you could adapt urbam fox hunting for this one as well lol)

Hmm, well, you don't NECESSARILY turn into a zombie do you? I mean, do the words "chainsaw" and "hand" mean anything to you?

But yeah, the one you're referencing is the mother of all zombie movies. Pun intended.

I simply make it legal to use any weapons kept within 2.5 metres of the door on any Chugger that knocks. Then let the populace deal with them.


Hmm, another problem: Spammers get hold of your mobile number, and start text-spamming you, paying no heed to the cost of doing so. What do you do?

Buy a new number and ask for the old to be disconnected. A new pre-paid mobile number is like 2 euros here, sometimes even free (with bonus credit). Hell, I buy new numbers once in awhile anyway.

How about this: You have been randomly selected for no apparent good reason at all to assemble a team of scientists and cure Cancer. How do you do it? You have practically no budget though.

With practically no budget?

Hmm, I guess I could try what I thought of a while ago as a basic method: Analyse the genetic differences that result in rejection, looking for patterns that might indicate a way to force the body to recognise that cancerous cells don't belong.

You have just been stuck with a needle of Soy Sauce. What do you do?

I thought moreso like finding a way to get scientists to unite under you to do the deed without a pay/instruments of your own, not do it yourself.

Anyways, chances are I'd probably die. Many seem to do. If not, I would probably wish I would. If not that either, I'd probably do pretty much the same as in JDatE, freak out at first, then solve and generally do weird shit for my ammusement.

Problem: You are the president of UED (United Earth Directorate (or should that be a Director then? )), the Zerg have destroyed the Protoss and all of the Terran forces in the vicinity and now plan to assault Earth. How do you defend?

It depends, are these Kerri-zerg or Overmind-zerg, and have they assimilated the Protoss?

If overmind zerg that have assimilated the protoss, I die.

Otherwise, Nuke Spam on any planet they try and land on, nuke-spam on any large groups of them that stick close enough for it. Also, work extremely hard on our cloaking tech + sensors, so we can use suicide missiles to take out overlords, and then cloak everything else. Oh, and start training the psionics as hard as possible, duplicating the mutations we sent out to the K-sector.


Problem: A laser so concentrated as to be visible, but not burn you, strikes vertically, from above, 1 metre to your left. Then a second one strikes 2 metres to your right. Then another 1 metre to the northwest of you.

I'd say "Nuclear Launch Detected", roll into fetal position and die. I'd die happy too, people would talk how it took 3 nukes to take me down .

Here's a more elaborate one:
A hugeass asteroid has been located going in the general direction of Earth. After numerous calculus and shit it is concluded that it will pass by Earth and hence was left unscathed. Foolishly though, the scientists didn't account for everything. It would hit the Moon from the outter part of its orbit around Earth, causing it to fall out of orbit slightly and drift towards Earth over a period of time.

Within 60 years it will collide with Earth, stop that from happening (or do something, evacuate Earth, dunno). You are appointed as the lead technological designer for the project. Also note that the Moon being closer causes cathastrophic side-effects (monsoons, tsunamis and shit, even tidal-shifting the magma within Earth to cause earthquakes and volcanos), so stopping it significantly before the deadline (pun intended) is preferable.

Hmm, I suspect our only real hope is to develop the Orion Drive technology, and start building a whole load of directed Hydrogen Bombs. Build a drive plate on the side of the moon, and start boosting it to speed up it's orbit so it doesn't come closer to earth

EDIt: Sorry, forgot my problem. Hmm, someone invents Ice-Nine, and drops a piece in a swimming pool in Orlando, Florida.

What's your damage control?

Good answer, I love the Orion Project technology. I'm thinking about creating a thread in The Laboratory for its scientific discussion. I personally think that's what'll get us to Mars.

Anyways... Isolate the area fast, get a hazmat team (in full suits so their body water doesn't get fucked), chop up the "water" into cubes and transport it into a lab. Then try and develop an anti-agens cause chances are that it was a terrorist act to begin with (a warning). That or the guy who owned the pool is a genius.

Problem: Someone knocks at your door, slides under it an envelope and vanishes before you get to answer. Within the envelope is a picture of what you suspect is you as an old man, a key to a storage locker which you later find out contains a sniper rifle, and a letter saying you have to kill the president if you want to ever find out if that's really you in the picture.