general ideas/inspiration/advice wanted

I have a few different questions I' d like some help/advice with.

So I can think of nothing to do this week.

ITs frustrating some weeks I feel I am going mad running from activity to activity to playdate to playdate and other times i am struggling to think of activites.

In general during term time playdates are hard to come by. I am wondering what is accepted as a minimum of kids playing with friends.
During term time ds goes to sports on tuesday, karate on Wednsday and home ed group on thursday. Dd goes to sports on wedndsay and the home ed group on thursday. We go to soft play areas that are geared for infants to older kids (probably age 8) about once a week as well and sometimes museums and parks and shopping.
Play dates are sort of scarce though. So my numer one question is if its ok for kids to only play with their friends during halfterm or during holidays or if they need more?
I have a few friends with kids ds's age who he see's a few times a month during term time as well, they are not the kids he prefers to play with though. It works out that every second week and sometimes every week he has one playdate with a friend.
He does meet up with his very good friend in shul and they play every shabbos morning (he is the Rabbi's son) We have gotten them together 2 Sundays in the past few months on top of the shul times.

Lately this hasnt been happening much because the one friend whose kids we meet up with has had jury duty for a long time and wasnt able to get together one other friend is a bit flaky so we only see her and her kdis maybe once a month and another friend we have seen a few times the past few months for shabbos lunch and on odd occasions during the week when my firend kept her dd home from school, next year this kid will move school though and we wont be able to meet up with her at all as she wont be home until about 5pm.

so question one: In general does this sound terrible or ok? Are my kids loosing out, am I depriving them somehow?

The past 2 weeks we have had no playdates and I cant seem to arrange any for this week either whats more is that the weekly activities are stopping so we have nothing planned. The weather is drap, its raining and wet.
I am planning to go to the soft play place tomorrow, but have no plans for tuesday.
If my mil is ok with it I want to take them to go to her house from Wednsday evening to Friday at which point dh and I will join them and after shabbos go to HESFES.
I dont know what to do Tuesday and Wednsday though. We didnt really do much last week, we went to the play area, Mendele had karate and they both had their last week of the sports but this is all in the pm and we had nothing doing in the am and no playdates or getting together with other ppl (other then one who neither the kids nor I enjoyed) and we all felt a bit mad I think (or I did). The kids have been fighting like crazy and dd has been extra whiny. I have not been in a wonderful mood either so I think we all have contributed to a great merry time in the Shaw household. The kids saw more tv then I'd like and I was on the computer more then I should have been as well. I felt my brain going mushy from a lack of getting out and needed the stimulation if that makes sense.

Qeustion two: Any ideas for this week?

Lastly, how long do you spend each day activiely playing with your kids? I find it really hard playing monsters or princesses or monster against princesses and heroes or princesses and heroes shooting monsters for more then a few mntues at a time or hde and seek (they hide the same place each time and after a few times it get a bit dull)-Do I sound terrible? I feel terrible for saying this.
I try suggesting other games to break up the monotomy like charades or reading a book or painiting as well as parsha but they will eather say no or play enthustically for a few mitnues and then ask if we can play shooting monsters (or aliens). I make myself play it for a bit try to really play it and be there when I play it and then let them continue on their own. IS this terrible though? Especially if they dont have any playdates thatt day, so I have to fill that gap and be their playdate?

So question 3: How long do you spend playing with your kids? Does it vary if they have play dates? Is what I said terrible?

Any comments, advice, critique or suggestions or hugs (I feel like a terrible inadeqate mother right now) would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

None of what you have said is terrible. It's not even unusual. I know hs moms who spend a lot of time playing with their kids, and I know other moms who on principle will not ever play. I fall somewhere in between. I don't categorically refuse to play, but I don't make time for it, either. Dh travels a lot and I usually have too much to do to play. What I do instead is try to involve them (as they are interested) in my world. So they help me cook and do other chores and that works just fine. I do try to sit and read to them, but that's because we all enjoy it so much. Otherwise I am around as a resource, not a form of entertainment.

I don't really plan playdates much. They happen as they happen but it's not something I'm going to bust my chops for. They aren't deprived of what they need. Playdates just aren't important. Children don't learn social skills from each other. They learn them from caring and loving adults.

Things to do: make an apple cobbler. Find a pot with a glass lid and make popcorn. Paint with watercolors. Garden. Spend lots of time outside. You sit and encourage the kids to bring you stuff they find. Tell stories about your childhood. Sing. You learn to knit or sew so you can sit on the couch and be around them while they play. Accept that there is no such thing as an ideal homeschooling lifestyle and there is no rule book (not even no TV, though I do encourage you to trash yours. Your life will only improve). For as long as you are working on your relationship with your kids, you are doing okay.

I read a lot about homeschoolers finding a 'rythm' for their lives... and I couldn't find one. I later realized that our rythm is a lack of rythm, in a sense. Each day is different. There are weeks where we watch lots of TV. There are weeks where we are running around to one doctor after another, or one errand after another. There are weeks without playdates. There are days when I don't play, days when I do play. Some days I plan activities, like arts and crafts, and then weeks go by where I don't plan anything.

They learn no matter what, so far. DS has learned his colors from Blues Clues - I was floored.

I try to make it consistent that we go out to our homeschool group each week (gym-winter/ park-summer), and they get to see lots of familiar kids and friends that day. Playdates happen or don't. They pick up their friendships no matter how much time has passed in between. I don't see a better rapport between the kids they play with more versus the kids they play with less. Realistically, ever since I finished being a school-kid, I haven't seen my friends consistently. School created that as a false expectation. I don't see my friends for months at a time... we pick up where we left off. Kids seem to be doing the same. So far.

These days, it feels like they spend most of the day watching Diego or Dora - but that can't be so bad, when I put it in context. They get out nearly every day for long stretches, on errands, splashpad, gardening, parks, playdates, etc. We do something artsy by chance at least weekly. They play around the house daily for short spurts. We read books almost daily for short spurts. They read with daddy at bedtime. We bake together sometimes. I sit and watch their TV with them regularly, and participate in the watching. We watch yoga videos and do along.

I do play with them. I don't know why, but they aren't great at playing alone. DD especially (although on Shabbos she played in her room for several hours!) It was something I didn't enjoy, but I realized was important for them. Some children will play naturally on their own or together. Others, I think, have less aptitude, and in another culture would have picked it up from older kids. I'm being the older kid. Also, its more about the closeness than the play. I've noticed that if I sit and play actively with them for 1 hour or so, they will be much more flexible the rest of the day about letting me go clean or cook. Otherwise, they spend lots of time bothering me to play with them. It sets the day up nicely. I actively relearned how to play - it was difficult - but its good for them, and good for me as well. The more I participate in their worlds, I think the more they find ease in relating to my world. Its a part of the communication between us in some way.

But, the oldest is only 5, so my experience is limited.

Thank you so much! Zephyr I read your reply last nght before going to sleep and it really made me happy and helped me fall asleep better, thank you.
I dont understand how there are all these things that other ppl know but I dont and it eats me up because i think that I am doing something terrible. I can see that I do a lot of what you (Zephyr) mentioned.
So it really does sound like I am doing ok.
We go for walks and talk a lot and when we drive we talk a lot. They also help in the house on their own might I add 9although not every day neccesarily but I dont do things every day they could help with either), no charts or rewards. When I am on the computer they play around me if that makes sense unless they are waching tv. I also paint and when I do they many times play around me or paint for a bit as well. When we go shopping we talk a lot and they help. I havent been in the garden like you said, I will start doing that. I might bring a book out because I find it hard otherwise to just si there or I could write.
I feel so much better for not playing with them a lot during the day because I am around for them and give them hugs and cuddles throughout the day and talk with them and they do come to show me things, Mendele particularly comes to show me his lego creations.
I find playing for long or sitting and just watching them makes me feel very restless, I fnd that I need stimulation for my brain which is why it is hard.
There are days when I am not feeling well that mentally and emotionally I am less there as well(or at least I feel like that), as in they might come to talk to me and I'll listen but its harder and I am less enthused and more quiet and sometimes grumpy when they argue.

Shira, ds is gonna be 6 in the end of August so our kids are the same age so your experience is not all all limited to me.

Zephyr, thank you for the advice, I cant do anything with food but I wll do the other stuff, painting sounds great we havent done that in a long time. The weather isnt pouring so going outside will be fine as well.
I agree with the tv it would be better without, I need it in the evening though to relax so the thought of getting rid of it is scary. In many ways it would help me sleep not having a tv as i tend to watch crime programs and get very distrubed which is not always great to help me sleep.

"I find playing for long or sitting and just watching them makes me feel very restless, I fnd that I need stimulation for my brain which is why it is hard.
There are days when I am not feeling well that mentally and emotionally I am less there as well(or at least I feel like that), as in they might come to talk to me and I'll listen but its harder and I am less enthused and more quiet and sometimes grumpy when they argue."

This is why I value that I've learned how to play again. It was surprising to me, that it became an exercise in quieting my mind, ignoring my to do list, living in the moment. It was healthy for me. It was almost like learning to meditate for other people, which I've never been able to learn. I'm not nearly as good at it as children, nor do I enjoy it as much. But it doesn't just benefit them, its benefited me as well.

So how did you teach yourself? I am curious to know if you dont mind sharing.

I think it was Sandra Dodd, either her website or her Yahoo group, and article or discussion about learning how to play (because at that point DD was insistent that I play with her). I can't find the pages readily. I could post to that group to get some links, if you want. I think there is also a book I read a bit of at the time, Playful Parenting. That might have contributed.

Basically the process was to sit and play, to constantly redirect my thoughts back into the play, be participatory on whatever level they wanted me to be, and actively keep myself interested. It involved learning to see the value in their play, picking up on the subtle learning that was going on. The same thing with their TV shows, which I wasn't so happy watching... when I stopped judging them as silly or obvious or stupid, and started to look at what the kids were learning and what values were in the shows, and what the narratives were (beyond the repetitive patterns from show to show), I began to appreciate and even enjoy the shows. Same with Disney princesses, which I looked down on, or Barbies. Its not that I love them, or would choose them - but when DD chooses them, I've looked at what attracts her, and what is positive about them, and learned to value them from her perspective. She has plenty of time to learn that Barbie is a horrible representation of women - but hopefully because I don't talk the Barbies down, she won't have a reactionary approach to what she learns later about them. In the meantime, we can appreciate the silly costumes, brushing the hair that gets knottier with brushing, making up stories, etc. All good things for kids to do.

Oh, the biggest part was practice made perfect. It took a few weeks to really get my mind involved in playing, and once I did, I enjoyed it.

Sort of like playing an RPG game? Adults do it, they play-act. The stories are different, but its the same activity. Kids narratives have very interesting subtleties. It became enjoyable to participate. Mostly its my joy in seeing their joy. Just like I love when DH compliments something I've sewn, even though he couldn't care less about handmade things. Because he loves me, he takes an interest and learns to appreciate for my sake and take joy in my joy. Same for kids.

Thank you. Redirecting your thoughts is called mindfulnes I believe. I am actually practising it a lot these days. Its keeping your mind on the present and when your mind goes somewhere else acknowledging where it went and bringing it back.
I actually do try to do that with them when I play with them. I usually look at the clock as I begin to play or decide on some other factor like the amount of a game I will lay and then when I play with them I try to be there and dont think of all the other things I need to do and do things like look at their faces to see how happy this i smaking them and take joy in hteir smiles. I put aside all my other jobs even the phone if I ring for the duration of the game or playing and try to be there 100%. I do find my mind slipping a lot when I do it so I will try to practise being mindful when I play with them and also try to find the value in it as you mentioned. Thank you.

I want to report how yesterday went. Its funny, I was expecting to do some of the ideas Zephyr gave me but never go around to it. Just after breakfast I turned the tv off and asked them if they wanted to play hide and seek, which is a game that I do find sort of enjoyable and its a way to connect after the tv goes off. The kids were very happy to do this and we played a few rounds.
Afterwards, Mendele asked if we could make a Bowlasaurous which is a dinosaur made using a bowl as the body and news paper for the feet. He saw it on the tv last week and decided it was something he'd like to do so we spend a long time making them (we are finishing them today as the paint was wet yesterday and we couldnt finish it).
I read to them and they played with toys for a while very happily and saw a bit of tv at some point but started colouring and drawing. Dd played playdoh. I turned the tv of and they continued drawing. Mendele got a workbook out and started copying the words (practisisng handwriting) for about 1 1/2 hours he only stopped when dh came home. He came to me for help a few times (he wanted me to put dots to help him which I did).
We didnt leave the house as I had planned to do and they were not interested in leaving.

Sounds like a fun and busy day!

The mindfulness takes practice, I think. But also, the part about finding value in their play, its not just about finding how they value it, but maybe I found a way to value it for myself. Being touch with my own playful self, my childhood, perhaps. I'm not sure. But when I sit to play, I'm actually enjoying it for myself too on one level. Its a kind of creativity that adults have squashed out of them as they progress though school. Doesn't make it a less than valuable ability. This talks about that: http://sandradodd.com/playing

I'll look into that and try to find a way to enjoy it too or as you said value it. Some of the games I enjoy but not for as long as they do, like hide and seek, I like reading to them, I like painting with them and I paint as a hobby for myself so this is always something I enjoy. I can for a limited time enjoy a game of 'it' as well as dancing with them or charades. Its the role playing games like pretending to shoot at present baddies I find hard but what ds loves the most. I'll try to find something in it I enjoy and definitely work on being mindful. Thank you!

Is this the same boy who you claimed could not focus for more than a couple of minutes and was not ready to learn to read?

As for playing, you know it's ok to say "these games are good to play with Mummy, but these other games are for your friends".

You're his mother, you're not his friend. And even if you were his friend, you'd be allowed to say that, so how much more so if you're his mother.

This is in addition to Shira's beautiful description of relearning how to play. Still, you don't have to like or participate in everything your child does, it is sufficient that you appreciate it and show an interest.

Or else, G-d help me, I would be playing D&D all day and night ...

Ditto to LFE. You don't have to play everything. Also, now that they know I'm committed to play on their terms, I can create parameters for my comfort. If my leg falls asleep, I can step out of the game without them getting upset, or I can tell them I want a game that I can do lying down, or that I don't like some particular game.

And there are some lovely board games that are suitable for the little kids at Early Learning Centre, which are easy to play at a table.

Lfe, just last night I said to dh that I am not worried about his attention span anymore. I dont think he has adhd which I at some point was worried about (dont know if you remember my post about it). Anyways, it was great to see him focusing so well for so long. He really enjoyed it. The thing is that if I would have pushed it before he was ready I wouldnt have gotten such a good result then when he decided to do it and I am there to guide him or help him when/if he wants the help.

True about not being hs friend, my worry was that because he doesnt see other kids every day should I step in witht hat role. or is it ok not to. Its good to hear that its ok for me not to and that he is ok without seeing other kids every day. Its also really nice advice on how to enjoy playing and findng value in it:-).
Npl, thatnk you for the suggestions, they have very good age appropriate toys, we have some games from there that we bought a while ago. Its good to keep in mind when I want to buy more games.