TV addiction, he's way too young

After dd was born last year, I started letting the kids watch more tv and videos because, well, I needed a break and don't have local family support. Now things are out-of-hand.

Ds1 can walk away from a program with no problem. Ds2 is another case. He will sit and watch almost anything - totally transfixed. He often asks for it first thing in the morning. I try to stay within the limits recommended by the AAP (2 hrs) but some days we exceed that.

Over the past two weeks, it has gotten markedly worse. Yesterday morning, ds2 didn't want to leave the house with the family to go to the park - he wanted to stay home and watch tv. When we're out, he asks to "go back home" and I'm starting to think it's because of the tv.

We unhooked the cable because I was so frightened yesterday (I guess I see his tv addiction as a sign that he's not getting something he needs from us, his family) and DH has agreed to move the tv out to his office so we no longer have that type of screen in the house.

Am I making too much of this? I feel like he gets lots of attention from both me and my DH - lots of cuddles and stories. Life is not all roses, however, and I do occasionally yell (maybe twice a week) and swat backsides. Please no flames. I know this is bad and I'm working on it with time ins and other ways to calm myself before I take action.

I was just reading an article by Gabor Mate which Avivah posted to her blog. It deals with how North American kids aren't getting what they need in early childhood so their brains don't develop properly and it's creating all sorts of problems down the road - ADD, ADHD, ODD, addiction.

Am I warping my toddler's brain? Will the removal of the tv solve the problem or do I need to be worried that he now has an addictive personality? Do I just need to calm the heck down?

It doesn't hurt to get rid of the TV (we got rid of ours years ago and never looked back).

But also don't make more of this than it is.

You had a problem, you dealt with it, finished. Don't attach labels (like "addictive personality") when there is insufficient cause.

In other words, trash the TV AND calm the heck down.

yeah what zephyr said....

Elisheva, I'm a big believer in do the best you can and don't guilt yourself about what may happen in the future as a result of what you're doing now. So get rid of the tv or keep it turned off, and don't worry.

My dd16 asked me for permission to join Facebook, and I told her it was okay with me (with a couple of caveats). But I told her about my concern that people become addicted to checking it zillions of times a day and when they do that, it takes away from other meaningful things they could be doing. So I suggested to her that she create some guidelines around using it from the beginning, understanding that it's very easy to get sucked in.

There are some things that can be addictive for everyone - tv, internet, highly sweetened foods - so they have to be actively managed. I have a great life, love my kids and husband, feel good about myself, but can easily spend too much time online unless I'm consciously managing it - does that mean I have an addictive personality? I think it means that we all have a space inside of us that we need to fill; that's meant to be filled with a relationship with G-d but we can take shortcuts and just fill up on whatever is available because it's easy and convenient.

I have a TV and I am not in a position to get rid of it (DH is disabled and home a lot - he's bored, and often unable to get off the couch, so the TV is vital for him). I also see, like you, how TV can be a huge distraction for a young child, and if it were up to them, they'd choose watching TV all day instead of all the fun things you can do together.

As a strategy, we try to limit the tv by just starting the day not turning it on - I find that once you turn it on, its hard to turn off, but if its off, the kids play, create, read, use their imagination, etc. So if you must use it, save it for the "end," as in, "when you're all dressed and have eaten breakfast, and there's time before the schoolbus comes, you can watch for those 5-10 minutes. Or "once you're in pj's and if there's enough time, you can watch 1 show"

That being said, we do watch a bunch of TV in our house, but I try to limit its use as a "babysitter" - (this may be helpful when you need a few minutes to put together dinner, or you or the kid is sick - then I let the TV stay on, but that's a rare occurrence). When we watch, we try to stick to educational type programs, where we pause (we use the DVR), discuss what we saw, etc - DH does this a lot with ds1, with science, nature, history, and other shows. Sometimes as a family we watch "Jeopardy!" too.

If it were 100% up to me, I'd chuck the tv and limit (computer/video) screen-time more. But since DH is more TV dependent, we try to work out a way that sets limits and the quality of tv we watch.

Thanks, all. What I forgot to mention is that he has refused food a few times, too, because he was so upset the tv was off. In any case, tv is bye-bye (I'm so glad we have this option - I TOTALLY get why you guys don't, Chavi!!!) and everyone is making their way.

::climbingdownfromhystericalmommyledge::

What everyone else said.

Young children like TV. Period. Their brains at this age are designed to like moving pictures and sound and repetition, so they can literally sit for hours and just soak it in like a sponge.

So - the fact that he likes TV so much is not a reflection on you or an indication of "unmet needs". It's simply how young children are designed.

OTOH, since young children are like this, parents need to be aware of the power of TV and provide limits, and you seem to have done just that.

We are thinking of getting rid of the tv as well because of ds. Its to easy to turn it on if things get difficult or I am tired and I dont like what it does to ds.
Our other issue is that its not altogether accepted within our community (Lubavitch) and its making me feel bad. Originally we started getting dvd's when we went through infertility and it was getting to hard sitting each night without anything else to think or talk about except ttc. Then we got tv subscription when I was going through ppd and it helped me cope and in general it has really helped us survive honestly speaking.

Our diffculty with giving it up is because we like it, after a hard day I like turning it on and switching of before going to bed, and its nice when dh and I sit together and watch it and it is somewhat interactive as we talk about what we watch and he generally rubs my feet or shoulders when we watch, my point being that it is not completely mind numbing and does bring us together. If he goes out learning I also dont get bored and am happy sitting and watching tv. I am worried about coping in the future if we get more difficult times, because it really did help me and dh cope when I was depressed.

Anyways, my question is what do you do at night if you dont have tv? How much time do you spend with your dh and what do you do with him? What do you do when he goes out at night, learning for example or he just isnt at home?

What do I do? I come here.

Dh and I also like to watch shows together. It's something we share and enjoy doing together. It's not the only thing we do together, but it's something accessible that we can easily do. We pick out the shows that are of interest to us both.

We also like to watch shows together with the children. I feel that our children have learned a great deal from TV, both in terms of facts about the world, in terms how people behave, and most importantly - how they shouldn't behave.

Personally, I never watch alone, I see it as a social thing, and watching alone makes me feel lonely.

When alone, I read.

Thank you for sharing, its funny that watching tv for you is a social thing, I love to do it by myself, prefer to actually well some times anyways. Reading takes more effort for me so is not something I do if I need to just chill and have down time.

Everyone's different.

If this is something you enjoy, why get rid of it?

Life's hard enough already.

First reason is my temptation to turn it on when the kids get difficult. Instead of dealing with whats going on when I am tired for example and the kids are fighting or whining its just so easy to at some point say,'who wants to watch tv?' and then I get quiet but its not exactly a good way to deal. Thats actually my problem more then the kid's problem, its tempting to me.
The other reason is for Mendele, because he knows its there and because I get sick of hearing him ask with 1/2 hour intervals if he can watch tv, at some point I just turn it on, and he doesnt play as well as he should. He, asks throughout the day to watch and when he watches I feel like I can see the braincells in his little head melt. He has gotten better and has started being very intaractive with the tv, so if its funny, he jumps up and down laughing, if they exercise on tv he copies what they do, but in general its not having a good influence on him and it annoyes me to be asked, although I know its my own fault for giving in.

The last reason is the 'real' reason. ITs not accepted within Lubavitch to have a tv and when we got married we both didnt want one and couldnt envisage having one at all. We started getting dvd's when infertility got hard and we needed to focus on something else then ttc. When I then had ppd, we graduated to having sky (which is the same as cable, I think) and we love it, it really helped especially because it was a distraction and took my mind of things and brought some laughter back in our lifes. For dh and I its been great, but I keep getting these pangs about who we wanted to be and what atmosphere we wanted them to be brought up in and these feelings of guilt because its not what we wanted and although we've changed a lot somethings havent.

For now though, we've told the kids that after shabbos there is no more tv, they can choose a dvd each they can watch at some point during the day once and that if they ask to watch it more then once or ask for another dvd, there wont be any dvd's either.
I am supposed to start therapy to deal with issues from childhood and apparently it can get quite traumatic to deal with and I remember that when I spoke to Rabbi Twerski after discovering about dh's problem he told me not to make any changes until things we calm and stable in our lives so I dont think its a good idea to get rid of tv until after therapy anyways. I guess we'll see how it goes with the kids.

Sorry for the rather lengthy answer I really had to think.

At the toddler stage, I find that kids get so absorbed and imitate so much that it's important to make sure that the TV or DVD reflects your values. They have no filter at that age.

OTOH, my 8 yr old and 11 yr old are now at the point where I can watch a program with them and have a "what NOT to do" discussion. At least, that's what I tell myself after they get engrossed in a "Real Housewives of New Jersey" marathon....

I know how you feel - when we got married, we were both in college, and we didn't have a tv at all. After about a year, we got a tv screen and a video, After we had our first baby and moved to a house, somehow dh got the tv connected. A few more babies, and next thing I knew, we got cable.

Now, for the most part, we download the shows we want to watch, and watch them at our convenience - some together as a family, and others, just the two of us, in our room on one of the laptops.

One thing we've maintained, though, is that there is only 1 tv. People have to share and watch together.

I really think we get a lot out of it.

Sounds like you, do, too. Laughter is good. Seeing other people with bigger problems, especially imaginary people for whom Lashon Hara doesn't apply, that is good, too. And sometimes, one can learn from their problems and mistakes, and that is a good thing, too.