How would you reply?

As many of you know, I am passionate about breastfeeding (And natural birth, and AP, etc). I consider myself a "lactivist."

Because of my enthusiasm and passion for the subject, I often post interesting articles and information about breastfeeding to my facebook page. Many of my FB friends know this, and those who are interested in this info have found it very valuable. Those who aren't have ignored (which works for me!).

Recently I posted an article about information that shows a strong link between risk of SIDS and formula feeding.

I received a message from a childhood friend (paraphrasing mine) saying something like:

"May I say something to you honestly -
You harp on the breastfeeding topic and you should know that some people are unable to breast feed for assorted reasons (my wife's reason was simply that nothing came out)
So your statements can really put them down and your latest statement implies that since you couldn't breastfeed your kid may die from SIDS."

After some thought and consideration, I did reply to this person. (I will post my reply later). But I wanted to discuss how we can approach the discussion with people who had disappointing BFing experiences, without "making them feel bad" with our advocacy and lactavism. Are we making them feel bad? Is it fair? Is it something we have to be concerned with?

My thoughts are that just like an adopted mom can be pro BFing even if she was unable to BF, so too can someone who didn't have any milk. Does this mom (or dad) have a reason to feel hurt by this information? Or does this information help them be better parents so they can take other precautions to prevent SIDS and other problems from happening. Where do you draw the line?

I must say, I have less and less patience with this kind of response to your posting, Chavi. I understand quite well how breastfeeding can be a huge, and sometimes insurmountable challenge for some people.

Having something be a challenge that not everyone can meet does not mean we don't advocate for positive change. Many people know that a healthy lifestyle might include losing weight, and they might find that a difficult if not insurmountable challenge, but that doesn't change the health risks of obesity nor should we not publicize those risks at the risk of 'offending' someone.

Someone who smokes should still understand or at least be exposed to the risks of smoking, even if they find quitting extremely difficult.

And yes, I realize they're not necessarily analagous. Although I really think they are, for most people (notice I don't say ALL. I get that!)

The fact is, breastfeeding and breast milk provides protection against a whole host of ills -- many of which we don't even realize yet! The dramatic 'rightness' of the breastmilk and breastfeeding relationship is so overwhelming that a person would have to be stubbornly blind not to understand it.

I think an appropriate response would be something along the lines of "I'm sorry your experience was so difficult. Many families find that to be true and more support for new moms can be needed for nursing to be successful. Breastmilk and breastfeeding are G-d's perfect way of nourishing a baby for all kinds of reasons, and science is only now catching up with understanding this. I think it's important for people to have all the facts."

(I'm new here but having had some negative breastfeeding experiences and still being PRO BFing I thought i would reply.)

I'm a doula and breastfeeding support person so I run into this now and again.

on one hand it's YOUR FB and you should post whatever you like. on the other if you want to actually help people it's a little more complicated. there is a time and a place for being a mover and shaker (as they say) and a time for quiet steady education via our own lifestyles.

If you are aiming to educuate the masses putting up lots of links and being very loud about it is a great idea, but you run the risk of hurting some friends, and stepping on some toes with the generic (albeit true) claims of things like BFing reduces risk of SIDS.

on the other hand if you take the quiet approach and only try to be am example through what YOU do in day to day (BFing in public for example) it will likely help friends in your inner circle, but are less likely to reach the masses.

it's sorta hard to combine to the two missions.... but it can be done.

for instance, when I am on the job I am Elle the Doula and Breastfeeding support person/lactivist. I have the facts down, I have pamphlets, brochures, and info ready to go at the top of a hat. I am willing to jump in there are get down to business! I am confident and sure BFing is THE best way to feed a baby period! but, when I'm at a friend's house I am Elle the friend. I don't preach, teach or promote my beliefs on any given topic unless asked. I am strictly a friend... I never hide what I am and what I believe... they know I'm a doula and they know they could pick my brain on any given birth related topic and i can go on and on with all the info. sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't. and when they don't I don't go there.

FB is a very tricky thing b/c it's both personal AND public! (I personally chose not to have a FB b/c of that reason. I just can't personally make it work... kudos to those of you that can!)

Good question. Applies to many areas of life.

Let me ask you a question back. How do you feel when people talk about how wonderful it is to have a large family, and post pictures of their many cute children all over the place? I think it's very similar.

I think its great. But I am not particularly sensitive to this, even though there are times I am envious...but not begrudging.

So because it doesn't bother me, its hard for me to see why this bothers someone. Like I wrote, I know adoptive moms who couldn't BF, but are lactivists.

why someone with a disappointing experience would be anti BFing info is beyond me.

So here's what I did write:

My point is not necessarily how to handle just this particular situation, the general question of how to handle lactivism in a sensitive and smart manner.

my suggestion is this: perhaps quantify your postings with a little personal introduction or disclaimer depending on the nature of the post.

Many things are cross posted time and again and the original intro or blurb is not so clear or can be down right antagonistic

By reposting a better intro you are showing that you are posting information that you have screened personally and have taken the time to offer insight. Other wise it just becomes sort of a wall of cliches and bumper sticker slogans.

And if you are truly a lactvist then you need to recognize that posting articles about women that couldn't breastfeed and what kind of viable solutions ARE available to them is also completely acceptable. It's not breastfeed or else......

Post articles about how to access milk banks, comparative studies on the most ideal formula in case they do need to use it, how to supplement a new born with out giving them a bottle (there a lots of little tricks that help to avoid nipple confusion without having to give a bottle - eyedropper and finger method is one)

I continue to enjoy seeing your posts on FB Chavi

I just saw this topic and having been unable to bf Mendele and having had(still have) loads of guilt over it I thought I'd respond, its gonna be a long response to basically give you an insight into the mothers midn who didnt breastfeed, later having spoken with other mothers I know my feelings and experiences werent unique.

As I said, I had loads of guilt about it. Throughout my entire pregnancy all I saw in the midwives offices were b/f posters, saying how good it is and how bonding it is. It was beautiful, something I looked forward to. I was unable to do this first thing as a mother, I felt like I failed in the first task that determined if I was a good mother, I failed my son. I wet through infertility and had a very difficult pregnancy (preeclampsia as well as Hyperemesis Gravidarum) and now this, I felt like my body completely failed me. Everywhere it said it was natural, doesnt natural mean easy? nowhere had I read natural doesnt mean easy. For me b/f meant that he was still a part of me, like an easy transition from the womb where he was 100% part of me and instead of going to not part of me at all, I would still be proving for him with my body.

Now this is a load of guilt from myself, what made it hard to deal with this guilt and come to a conclusio that this didnt have to colour my whole career as a mother, everyone asked me if I fed my baby? the sarcastic part of me thought and once said, no I am starving him, but when I said no he is bottlefed ppls reactions made it really hard for me. A lot of ppl asked why, strangers, I didnt know, who I'd never meet again. For me it was personal (my personal failure, not something I wanted to share with the world), I got a lot of comments about how all women can breastfeed and if I just tried harder I would have been able to do it to. I got a lot of comments about how it wasnt to late to do it, I could still go back, I got a lot of comments about how even adoptive mums can b/f, a lot of ppl telling me how it was good for the baby and also for me. I also got one woman who looked me up and down and walked away.
in short (which this isnt really anymore), I had so much guilt and I came to see breastfeeders as mean ppl who just wanted to make me feel bad, and a part of me that thought I deserved it. Everytime Ds got a cold I wondered if it was bcause I didnt breastfeed.
Hearing about breastfeeding became a painful reminder of how I failed him. i knew how good it was, I read all about it, the reason I didnt do it wasnt because I wasnt educated about it, I was and I think everyone in England are if they bother to read the posters in the midwives offices. I know that it was just painful for me to hear.

Every now and again, a breastfeeding mother would tell me that she herself breastfed, but knew someone who didnt or she herself didnt for her first and would sympathise about how it can be hard. That helped a lot. If it wasnt for them I am not sure I would have breastfed dd, because I didnt want to become one of the other ones and it seemed like most of them were. The attitude (Which you can find anywhere) that I am better because I b/f put me of b/f big time actually but I swore that when I had another baby I would breastfeed and I would be one of them, one of the mothers who breastfed but didnt make others feel bad.

Now, Chavale, I am NOT saying you are one of the ones who think you are better then other ppl and even if you were its your fb page and you can write whatever you want. The articles about breast if best are painful to read if you cat breastfeed. They are great for women who are pregnant and one the fence about it, but I daresay that for new mothers who are having a hard time with it and are thinking about giving it up, what they need more then lecturing is support. Someone to tell them that either way they arent bad parents and for many I think someone to show them how to do it (proper positioning etc), the reason I say that mothers who are struggling need more support then educational material is because that having all the emotional stuff out of the way will make them more relaxed and less pressured when doing trying to do it and they will be more likely to succeed.
Obviously being educated about choices and about benefits about things like b/f is important and something that should be clear, I am in no way saying its not although if you thought I was I can see why you'd think that. I think its just a matter of being sensitive about it. I am not sure how sensitive you need to be on your fb page, I assume you dont censor posts about kids in case your friends without kids might read it, if you do, it would be in the same way in regards to being sensitive. If you dont ppl might be hut from reading your posts about kids or b/f or in other areas of your life where they are lacking something, its impossible to avoid upsetting ppl completely. I dont particularly censor my fb page unless I know that a particular friend has a really hard time at he moment with something I just did or didnt do (whatever the case), and would be hurt if she read about it. It is unfortunately impossible to never upset ppl and especially in regards to this which is an emotionally laden subject for most mothers. Perhaps a comment every now and then stating that b/f is ideal but you can still be close to your baby (skin to skin contact, slinging, cuddling when bottle feeding), perhaps a comment saying you know its hard or something like that(not sure how you'd practically speaking write that but you get the idea).
I hope this was helpful in some way. I think its really nice you are concerned with not upsetting ppl, its a really nice middah.

Chavs,

I saw your comment and though we don't know each other I just hd to give you a ((hug)). what you said was so sweet and I completely sympathize. I had a nursing problem with my 2nd and I was so depressed over it... every time someone BF it was a reminder of what felt like my failure. and true I am a huge proBFing advocate now, it took a long time to work through and mourn the loss of my BFing experience. I didn't want anyone to stop BFing in front of me! I mean I was happy for them totally... but I did find the BFing propaganda some of my friends at the time often recited to and in front of me as just salt in a wound and I often avoided those people for a good 2 or 3 yrs.

one can totally be a pro-BFing mother who couldn't breastfeed. BUT it isn't always easy. and usually it takes time to work through the situation before you are able to do so.

( I have a 3rd child who I am still BFing at 16 mos so that certainly helped my mourning!)

Thank you Elle, and I am sorry you have had the same guilt and pain, I am sending you a cyber hug (((hug))). What you said about mourning it is completely true. I think I am only starting to come to term with it. Nursing dd who is 2,5 and still going strong has helped a lot and Ds just turned 5 which is the age I have heard is you have to stop so the fact that I cant bf him any more if I had done it helped a lot. Seeing someone b/f really hurt like you said and I hated bottle feeding in public because I felt like it wasnt who I was or wanted to be and that ppl would judge me (many did). I am so happy to b/f in public now and think its important to do, I love seeing other nursing mothers now, but when I talk to other mothers when they see me nurse in public, I mention my experience so they know I dont judge them or think less of them.

Chavs, I am surprised that you had such negative experiences, and got looks for bottle-feeding in public. That's not nice! I was under the impression that breastfeeding rates in the UK are abysmal, and so I would think that the site of a bottle-feeding baby is very normal, while a breastfeeding one is a less frequent site.

You'd think! I was wondering why that was when I was writing my post actually. One guess is that within the jewish community most women seem to b/f, another might be that within the jewish community not all are english, the woman who walked away and didnt talk to me again after I told herwas israeli, another is that what is a quite normal and very human thing to feel albeit not nice is to feel selfrightous(not sure its the right word) but I guess that if someone does something 'right' they might feel good about it and superior (I sometimes feel like that I admit) and I suspect thats a big casue behind it although I could be wrong. Dont get me wrong there are plenty of women who dont breastfeed but there are plenty who do (or maybe I just lucked out and met all of them at the wrong time in my life), but most of the ones I met were both outspoken about it and quite insensitive.
Me and a friend of mine could write a book about ridiculous things we have beenasked or told in regards to this but honestly I could do the same in regards to comments about infertility, depressesion and if I think harder I can probably think of other areas. No, its not nice, I dont think anyone who hurt my feelings or other ppl feelings did it out of malice but of complete lack of understanding in regards to how humans work so to speak, just insensitive. I wish ppl would think about how they would feel in any given circumstance, many dont. Personally I find it hard to comment now when ppl tell me about situations I am not familar with because I know that I might say the wrong thing and I dont want to hurt ppls feelings. I have more often been hurt by words then lack of words. I think that the fact that you asked this question and you are trying to be sensitive is amazing and really nice, I am really impressed!

I didn't read all of the responses but I wanted to post my two cents. As you know, I researched adoptive breastfeeding as I'm very much for breastfeeding whenever possible.

However, there are certain lines.

I have a dear friend who lost her son to SIDS at 10 weeks. The cause? Not a lack of breastfeeding (because she did) but they claimed it was her cosleeping that caused it. I have another friend who lost her 6 week old granddaughter a few weeks ago to SIDS. The baby was in her crib and she also was a breastfed baby.

Your friend may have suffered a loss (possibly not directly so you may not be aware). He may be feeling a pain you just don't know about. That's why we need to think before posting some of these articles. Now, it is your FB page and it is your right to post things you feel are important but it may be a better option on touchy things like this to just send it out in a PM on FB to the people you know who would truly benefit.

I hate to censor myself but with certain things, well, I just don't know everything that is going on in my friends' extended lives and I'd never want to hurt anyone if I can avoid it. KWIM?

i only have a minute to reply, so will try to be quick, but i also had to formula feed my first child. and i'm very sensitive to any implied criticism of me as a mother over something i had no control over. i really believe in breastfeeding. i believe that with greater support more people would do it. i believe that it is better for babies to have breastmilk than any formula options.

however i am also aware that there are those who (like me) don't get to choose. i know one mother who has expressed every feed her child has had because he has a cleft palate and it is only possible to attempt to put him to the breast now, at 8 months. and i know others who made themselves sick trying to feed, and who didn't succeed. and others who didn't even attempt it - because you know, it didn't work the first time.

its hard to be sensitive on facebook, but being aware that you may unintentionally hurt somebody with your post is important, even if you still choose to post.

and like chavs - found the criticism i got for not feeding ds1 difficult to take. and i only even approached the ABA (LLL) after having DD as i was still sensitive to all the disaproval i felt emanating from there.

i could've written sunny aus's post. i agree totally.