Dd says some girls don't like her, what would you say?

Dd2, age 7, kept asking me this morning if I liked her. I said yes several times, and then I asked if she thought somebody didn't like her. She told me that some girls in camp don't like her. Most girls do like her, she has friends there and she's making new friends, and is generally very excited about going to camp and comes home very happy. She's very social and loves having friends. (This is the same kid, BTW, who I pulled out of school after kindergarten because of social issues.)

So I thought about it, and then I said to her that it's like that with most people -- some people like them and some people don't. Dd1, who heard our conversation, added, "If everyone liked you, you'd be Mashiach." Dd2 seemed to be satisfied with this. But then it came up again after camp.

What would you say? Is there anything else I can do to help her feel more confident?

Yeah, it's nice to know in theory that not everyone has to like me, but as for my feelings, of course everyone has to like me! And if someone appears not to like me, that will bother me a great deal. And I'm an adult (over 40, no excuses.)

So, some tricks I've developed to help things along, that I've taught my girls around that age: most importantly: smile and greet people. This goes a LONG way. It's amazing. Whoever it is that your dd thinks doesn't like her, that is the person she should go out of her way to say hello to in the morning with a big smile. That's all, just hello and a smile. A week of this, and I guarantee she'll be smiling back.

(OTOH, nobody said that everyone has to like Moshiach. I imagine it'll be quite the contrary! No matter how much he smiles)

LfE, as usual, has given great advice. That's a very helpful, concrete thing to tell your dd.

I'm going to ask something different: why is this dd's self-esteem still a hot button for you? Here she is, doing really well by your own admission, and still you worry. On a guess, there is some label floating around that has stuck to her, and perhaps it's time to peel that sticker right off. Easier said than done, I know full well. But worth exploring.

I don't know about a label. But I saw that it bothered her. Although today after camp she didn't say anything about it any more, so maybe it's resolved.

The thing with trying to get the other person to like her is that I don't want her self-esteem to be dependent on other people. So who cares if they don't like her? And eventually she's going to have a mother-in-law who won't like her by definition. (Well, even if she likes her, she'll still find some fault in her.) So what?

I disagree. First of all, my mil does like me. It would make me very unhappy if she didn't, and I have no shortage of self esteem.

Doesn't it make more sense to teach a child the skills that make people pleasant to be with?

To be respectful of others, to show interest in their ideas and feelings, to smile and give compliments? All the good stuff in Pirkei Avot...

I think it's both. You have to teach children those skills, but you also have to teach them to like themselves independently of what others think of them. Some people will never like them. That's their loss.

I hope I'll like my daughter-in-law. But my baby boy is so cute, she better be perfect.

Seriously, though, LFE, you're very lucky.

Ok, Yehudis, you've lost me.

What does it mean that you have to teach a person "to like themselves independently of what others think of them"?

While I agree that it is important for a person to be self reflective, and to perceive themselves as having intrinsic self-worth... I just don't see how that's anything that can be taught. I'm thinking through my kids, of the 3 who are able to express themselves, one is a lovely person who cares to present himself favorably but don't give a rat's patooty what anyone thinks of him, and the 2 girls care (they would give some of a rat's patooty, but not a whole patooty) and regardless, they don't measure their self-worth by their popularity (gender totally matters here-- did you know that women have a third instinct beyond fight or flight? Women gather together. Fascinating, and I bet that most ppd is actually this instinctive response to stress being thwarted). I don't recall having anything but the most cursory conversations on the topic with the kids, and definitely didn't set out to teach anything. I try to create as stable and loving a home environment that I can manage, the children know they are important to the whole family, and I suspect the rest just flows from there.

Self esteem doesn't exist in vacuum. To be honest, I think it's just a modern catch phrase that really isn't at all meaningful and is really just a buzzword.

I don't think we're disagreeing. (Can you explain the third instinct? What do you mean about PPD?)

In theory, a person should respect themselves just because they are Hashem's creation and have a purpose for existing in this world. In practice, it's a very high level, but something we should strive for.

You might be right that it is my issue and not my dd's. I am still struggling with self-esteem. But then again, my home environment growing up wasn't exactly ideal.

Sure, by showing them that no matter what anyone outside of the family might think of them, their family values them for who they are inside, and loves them, and sticks by them, and that's never going to change. (From there, we extrapolate to Hashem's feelings for us)

Whereas other people need to be won over - "knei lecha chaver", which could eventually turn into a deep friendship. And even people who don't like them (or more importantly - that they don't like!) should be treated politely.

When my dds were about 9 yo, a very difficult age for girls socially, there was this one girl in their class that clearly had issues and made them miserable and also did things to alienate them from their classmates. Now they're 14, the girl still has issues, but now they are very close friends. I credit this in part to the fact that they continued to be polite and giving to her.

More surprisingly, something similar happened to my 10 yo ds - a boy that absolutely hated him last year, by the end of this year, they were on playing terms.

Relationships change.