Title: I feel like all they hear is NO!!!!
Description: Need Alternatives for Toddlers
lovethefluffies - February 7, 2011 05:02 PM (GMT)
So I live at home with my Mom and I have twins that are 15 months. We have baby proofed to some extend but my mom is old school and believes that if you jsut keep telling them No they will learn, "Thats what I did with you"
---Okay this concept drives me crazy but I am not living in my own space and she insists on have breakables all around. My babies are naturally curious and want to touch and explore everything. So I hate the fact that I am always telling them no. And when I do they just laugh at me and still try. I am afraid of them getting hurt.
I can not remove more stuff from her house more than I already have so that is not an option. She does not understand or want to understand why it is better to not have these items around. My mother is not one for change and she is old school european that like to have her pretty things around for everyone to see.
The part that I hate is that I am always saying the work no and I am not getting anywhere with it so I non it is not effective.
Would love any suggestion since I think I will have more luck with the kids than getting my mother to change. Plus at this point I am more concerned about them than her.
JRKmommy - February 7, 2011 07:18 PM (GMT)
I know you know this, but the "evenutally they will learn" line is absurd. It is a developmental phase. Almost ALL developmentally-normally toddlers will touch things, put things in their mouths, and possibly ruin things because they are more mentally aware than little babies, but not so developed that they have great fine motor skills or the ability to appreciate risk and the consequences of their actions.
Sure, if you say "no" for the next year, the issue will get better - because your kids will be older! Do you know many developmentally normal older children or adults who stick fingers in sockets or swallow pennies? Me neither.
How would your mom feel if something DID get broken, and/or your child hurt themselves badly? [I did child protection work when my oldest was a baby/toddler, and it left me paranoid, esp. since one especially bad file involved a baby who choked to death on something she swallowed. I got to read the harrowing description from the other children about how they watched her gag, turn blue, etc.]
That said, if your mother refuses to budge, the only real alternative is to restrict access to dangerous areas, except under very direct supervision by you. Take them out as much as possible during the day to more child-friendly places, and at home you may need to use more baby gates and fences to keep them safe.
When you do have them outside the gates, get right down with them and watch them VERY closely. Demonstrate what they should do. For example - tell them to stay on a blanket, or another specific area. Repeat that over and over, providing constant positive reinforcement. [Stay on the blanket - good! You get a hug. Again - stay on blanket - good. Another hug....] I find at this age, you need to phrase a rule as a DO and not as a DON'T, or they will just do what you don't want them to do.
If you do this, you shouldn't be saying no constantly. Try to keep NO as the big gun, to be used only for the most serious situations. So, instead of a constantly no-no-no all day which they soon tune out, they may hear NO! in a sudden, loud, authoritative voice if they are about to do something dangerous, and it will literally shock them.
Dina - February 7, 2011 07:42 PM (GMT)
another alternative is come up with a different word for no- possibly in another language. we used the filipino word for no for those things that they shouldnt be doing but werent dangerous or horrible. we reserved the english word for no for something that was really bad
elisheva - February 7, 2011 08:04 PM (GMT)
Oh how hard it must be to not feel your children are safe AND to have to worry about your mom's stuff getting broken!!! ITA that if you can limit access to those areas with lots of danger/breakables, that is your best option. I'm so sorry you have to live like this. Do you and your babes have your own bedroom? Can you turn it into a playroom for them as much as possible? :hug2
Chavelamomela - February 7, 2011 09:20 PM (GMT)
Oh, man! That's frustrating on so many levels!
I know what you mean about the curious toddler stage, b/c my ds2 is the same stage. I know you can't remove anything else, but maybe you can move things to higher ground - I have moved a lot of my more fragile pieces (yes, I have some too) to higher shelves (I keep moving them up...) and place less fragile (kid-friendly) items on the lower shelves.
Listen, I was never good at babyproofing. With ds1, we had all these things that are not "safe" for babies, and we somehow got past that stage without ds1 taking too much of an interest in things. This time around, ds2 is much more curious, he's taken an interest in wires, glass things, my candlesticks, tablecloths, etc, and its frustrating! Vigilance is the best approach - I do constantly try to distract and redirect ds2 to more interesting (and safe) prospects for exploring...
And liek others have stated, i try to use positive language instead of the constant "no" so that when I say "NO" in a big, loud, voice, he'll know I'm serious!
Instead, I gently have him give me the item - he's in the stage where he loves to comply and please me, so I say "give" or "Noam, give Ima that fragile glass, now here's some colorful blocks we can build with." So I use the tools of having something else to distract/redirect him with.
HTH and good luck!
LearningFromExperience - February 7, 2011 09:32 PM (GMT)
:yeah, especially to JRK
This kind of reminds me of how my mil had this coffee table in her den, made out of (fake) marble, with sharp corners, right at toddler level. Every now and then the grandchildren would get hurt (b"h, nothing permanent). We used to call it "the table of death". No matter what we said, she wouldn't get rid of it.
One day, 3 of my bil's picked it up and took it to the curb.
Somehow, she survived.
The point is, between your babies and your mother, she is the grown up. They are the babies. She's the one who has to act responsibly and be flexible, not them.
Perhaps you can convince her that while of course she is right that they need to learn what "no" means :rolleyes as they undoubtedly will (eventually), until they in fact do learn, things that can break and hurt them need to be put out of reach - temporarily. Give it a date (6 months, a year). But then you need to pitch in and help her do that (even if it means installing new shelving or something)
It's a tough one ... Good luck
Batyah - February 8, 2011 01:55 PM (GMT)
just preempt your kids by taking the breakables and a) drop them on the floor b) throw them at somebody c) hide them
then just tell your mom that iguess all those years of saying no really didn't sink in :)
LearningFromExperience - February 8, 2011 07:14 PM (GMT)
chavs - February 8, 2011 10:29 PM (GMT)
I dont have any insightful advice. I just wanted to commiserate. It sounds like such a stressful and tense situation you are in. They are only still babies and I personally wouldnt expect for the no to sink in.
When ds was about that age we had to stay at friends of my inlaws for a few weeks who didnt have grandkids then and had so many knicknacks and most of them really expensive and breakables and dangers and things they didnt want him to touch (like the curtains he thought were great to hide in that had cost over £5000 per window) and it was a nightmare. They kept telling ds no and getting nervous and I felt bad for him and sometimes annoyed myself even though I knew it was unreasonable. Anyways, it was only a few weeks that felt like a few months. I cant imagien living in situation so tense for longer. For the few weeks I was there I left the house as much as possible but it was only a matter of weeks and you cant really aim to do that. (((hugs))). I feel for you!
elisheva - February 9, 2011 12:04 AM (GMT)
|QUOTE (chavs @ Feb 8 2011, 05:29 PM)|
| (like the curtains he thought were great to hide in that had cost over £5000 per window) |
Seriously? People spend their money on the craayy-ziest things. :headscratch
lovethefluffies - February 9, 2011 03:57 PM (GMT)
Thank you all for the advice. I agree that my mother is the adult but when it comes to her house she is more stubborn than a 2yr old. AS is she flipped out when I moved a bunch of her things to higher ground. It is the reason my sister stopped bring her kids over. She felt that all her kids experiences was getting yelled at while there were there.
Me I have no choice and I have space of my own there but I am grateful to be there and not in a shelter so it is what it is. I accept it as my reality for the time being, and there is good in it. That being said I will try the do's instead of the don't. The other day I got down on the floor and made eye contact with my son and talked to him about why he needs to not close the door on his sister and for a short time he did not so I was happy about that.
I hope that one day I will be able to have my own place again. I also how that some how I will hit lotto so I can home school my kids but that is another topic.
Thank you for being here it helps me feel not so isolated.
chavs - February 10, 2011 08:20 PM (GMT)
Elisheva, tell me about it!!! I dont get it :shrug .
I am sorry for the stress. I hope that you will able to move on to your own place soon! :hug2