► My Experience

[Ben]

Who gave it to me ?
I am not exactly sure who gave it to me. I guess since I also have casual paid sex, it could have come from there. I have generally been careless and this whole feeling, that "hey this happens to others will not happen to me"!!

How did I know ?
I had gone for my usual complete check up, which I normally do once a year. They did not have this test on the package, but when I completed all my tests and was waiting to collect the reports, I causally asked how much it costs and then I just did the test, not even thinking that I really need to do it. It was more out of let's do it, anyways, since am doing the battery of other tests. Strangely, I did not feel the need to do it, even though I have been casual and not really safe, both oral and anal. Used the condoms occasionally, not always. Forgetting that it takes just one unsafe encounter ….

When I got my results, my world was spinning. Afcourse, the hope that it could be wrong and to take a second opinion was the first thing I did. I did not know what to do, whom to tell ? where to go ? Kept praying to God for guidance, etc. The doctors at the clinic were very helpful and told me the names of places I could go - one of them being Holy Family Hospital at Bandra. I had then thought of this Dr. Gilada whom I met in JJ Hospital, many years ago, when I had VD. His name just came to me [Spiritual intervention !] and I immediately went to the hospital to meet him. I then found out that he has his own clinic in Grant Road and eventually met him.

My Doctor
The counseling session really helped me and made me feel so much better - telling me that its nothing to really worry about and its just like diabetes - one has to be careful, and if you keep the right diet, exercise, and take medications and do the check-ups regularly, and afcourse, play safe from now on, you can just live as long ..... And gave me the Johnson player as an example.
[Another insight because I thought now that I have it what the heck?! But she told me that it could get worse, and you could get another type of HIV ors something like that so one needs to be careful]

Living with HIV
I have been diagnosed in 2004. Remember the date when I got my results, Valentine’s Day !!
Honestly, I have not been completely regular with all my medication, exercise, etc. and keep struggling with it from time to time. For eg I smoke... which is not good for me?

Strictly Confidential
I have kept this to myself and just one close friend, knew about it. It was my / our secret. I guarded it with all my life !

3 years later, another close friend, also was shocked to hear the news about himself - I was with him, when we went for the results. I was in a dilemma whether to tell him about myself. But he was quite stressed out and being my close friend, just felt that I should tell him so he knows, he is not in the same boat. And may just help him a little. I do trust him too. [And that’s what good friends do anyway] We are now happy, not because we both have it, but at least we can talk about it and share things. I introduced him to my doctor too.

But I strongly feel that this is something you need to keep to yourself and not tell anyone. I afcourse, did not and would not tell my parents, even though I know I could be assured of their prayers. It's too much for them to take and also my brothers/sisters - why bother them with all this ? bad enough I have this and have to cope with it, the last thing I need is for news like this going from one to another. They could all be well meaning but all said and done, it does have some sort of stigma attached to it. And what good would it do anyway ? Infact, I am treated as a normal human being !

Coping with it
Anyway, it's no big deal now. Am okay and managing, but sometimes I do feel like meeting people who are in the same boat. I do feel very strongly of helping people with this disease. And whatever support / help I can give. Strangely, It is like a 'Life calling'.

Sometimes, I memory betrays me and I feel am forgetting things, [for eg I only remember this name Johnson not the full name, I joke about it to myself, but hope nothing serious happens. I do make notes in my diary etc. Sometimes, I forget to take my meds.

Conclusion
Wishing all the others who are GPoz good luck. Nothing to sweat about. Not worth being stressed out about it. [I feel so sad when I read the papers about people at JJ Hospital committing suicide, when the know about their condition]. I feel good. At least I know that I have a deadline and can do things I want to do and not take life for granted. It’s kind of liberating - see movie, ‘Bucket List’.

My thoughts, support and prayers with all brothers ! [who are now related with me by blood]

Ben

[Rish]

Ben,

This was a beautiful post. I am writing this reply immediately after reading it, which is unusual, since I deliberate upon most of the mails that I send out...and especially ones that I put up on these forums - mostly because I feel like I shouldn't say anything wrong, by giving out wrong 'advice' or just by being 'politically incorrect' - but your reply made me just want to write in and say you sound like you are at peace with yourself and your HIV status now. That is really something.

I want to just say that this mail of yours makes me feel like these forums aren't a lost cause after all. :) I am so glad that you wrote in, and I am sure my co-moderator, Vik is, too. This mail can reach out to so many others.

Sending you a hug via cyberspace - and hopefully, someday when we meet I shall deliver it in person.

With affection,
Rish.

p.s. I noticed the Legolas avataar - you a fan of LoTR, too? :)