funny jokes

here are my jokes hope you like them-
Once an elderly man went to the church to meet the pope. The pope asked him why he came and he answered, “Dear father I have made a terrible mistake”
The pope said “tell me my son, it can’t be that bad”
The man said “during the second world war a woman told me to hide her from the Germans so I kept for her a place in the attic”
The pope said “that is a deed that you will be rewarded for greatly”
The man said “I was lonely and asked in turn I asked for sexual interests”
The pope said “it is no problem for every one feels lonely sometimes.
The man said “thank you, by the way, do you think I should tell her that the war is over?”


During the school the teacher had to write a long assignment so she started from the top of the board. When she turned to write one of the students started laughing. When the teacher asked him why he told he saw one of her garters. She was angry and told “don’t come to school for the next 3 days”. Then she continued writing and then heard another laugh when she asked him why he is laughing he told her “I saw both your garters “. She got angry and shouted “don’t come to school for the next 3 weeks”. Then she remembers that she forgot the title. When she writes it she sees a boy leaving the class, when she asks him why he is leaving he says “after what I saw my school days are over”.

Q: how many musicians does it take to light a bulb?
A: One, Two, One, Two, Three, Four.

There was a magician who was working on a cruise and used to do the same show because the passengers are different. The captain’s parrot used to watch his show every time that he knew all the tricks and used to interrupt him during the trick and say “that’s another hat” or “ the flower is under the table” and the magician got sick of him but could not do a thing after all he is the captain’s parrot. Once the ship had an accident and sank. The magician was sitting on a piece of wood floating and on the other side was the parrot. The looked at each other with anger for one day, then the other, then the other till one full week. After that the parrot said “I give up, where did you hide the ship”.

Once there was a married couple how had 4 children, the elder three had dark hair, brown eyes and were tall and the youngest had blonde hair , blue eyes and was short. When the man was dying he asked his wife “is that small boy me child”. She said “I swear to god he is your child” and then he died. After he died she said “thank goodness he did not ask if the others were his children.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: a stick
Q what did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor ?
A Buddhist said to a hot dog vendor “make me one with everything”






A duck went to a shop and says “do you have any crackers “
The shopkeeper said “no”
The next day the same duck goes to the shop and says “do you have any crackers” The shopkeeper said “no”
The third day the duck comes and says “have you got any crackers “
The shopkeeper says “no”
The forth day the duck says “have you got any crackers”
The shopkeeper says “no and if you ask again I will nail you to the wall”
The fifth day the duck asks “have you got nails”
The shopkeeper says “no”
Then the duck says “have you got any crackers”

Once in a golf looker room a phone on the bench was ringing. One man picked it up. A women started talking “honey I am in the mall and I saw a fur coat for 6,000$, can I get it”. The man replied “yes”. The women told “do you remember that new car you promised me, it only costs 300,000$ so can I get it. The man said “yes”. Then the women told “you remember the house behind the mall, they are only asking 550,000$. The man said “yes, but only give them 500,000$”. Then she told “I love you” and he replied “I love you too”. Afterwards every one was looking with amazement then he said “anyone knows whose phone this is”

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said “give me your money”
The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said “you can’t do this, I am a congressman”
The thief said “in that case, give me my money”.


A group of hikers were led through wilderness by a guide. On the third day they found
that they were going in circles.
“We are lost” said one of the hikers. “and you told you are the best guide in U.S.A”
“I am” said the guide “but it looks we have wandered into Canada”


There were 5 presidents in a plane-George Washington, Adam Thore, Abraham Lincoln, Roosevelt and G.W.Bush. George Washington said “I will make someone happy” and threw a dollar off the plane. Abraham Lincoln said “I will make 5 people happy” and threw 5 one dollar note off the plane. Roosevelt said “I will make 500 people happy and threw 500 one dollar note off the plane. Adam Thore said “I will make the whole world happy” and threw George W. Bush of the plane.


In an attempt to stop bird flu, George W. Bush bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.


God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went traveling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"


70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Yo' mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it didn't come back!
Yo mama so foolish, she went into an antique shop and said “what’s new?”

They were pretty good

glad you liked them

I got one for you:

Q:How many Dark Magician's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 10. 1 to hold the lightbulb, and nine more to turn the house!

Joking man!

youre a funny ... girl ah no... boy maybynot oh... youre afunny individeual

youre a funny ... girl ah no... boy maybynot oh... youre afunny individeual

That's boy to you, otherwise, why would there be so much por---k recepies on my computer! I love pork! (close one)

darky did you get them from a website.

yes i got them from a website.

im gonna need that web site

and great joke i really like the first one

i think he got them from www.jokes.com since i saw him working on it once.

copy and paste FTW

what do you mean?

what is FTW

for the win

oh i have understood

its something everybody on jdmcentral says so i got used to saying it alot

you mean FTW

whats up with your post

maybe he wanted the biggest small post ever and yes FTW is something that i started using when i join jdmcentral

what is jdmcentral