-> Onyx

OOC Information
Name:Rachel
Gender:female
How did you find us? I was searching the web for RPGs
Character Number:One

I will try to post as much as I can.
IC Information
Name:Onyx
Age:17(in human years)
Gender:Female
Family:Paisley mother and Deret father
Race:Keipen(key-pen)

Goddess:Evadne
Herd:None... how sad...
Rank:Loner

Mate:So lonely!
Foals:That would be kitten... and none yet

Personality: Kind, caring, and is quiet. If the sun is shining, bask in the great warmth, gazing at the vast blue sky. After her rest in the sun, she
always dips in a river or stream. She can get her feelings hurt easily, even the calming ocean of the sky can make her cry, not because she was hurt, because she sometimes wanted just to disappear,
to float away, hidden in a drifting cloud where nobody could touch her or hear her cry.


Physical Appearance:She looks like a solid black lion size cat, with a snout like a dog. Her two inch claws retract, and her paws are the size of a paw of a lion. She has a curl shaped mark above each eye, and it is usually blue. Her eyes are same color as her curls. Her tail is long, with flowing hair the same deep black.

History: Ever since her mother, Paisley, disappeared she had been on her own. Every time she walked through Dyardin keipen territory, she heard whispers about what happened to Paisley.
But whenever she got close enough to hear, they’d spot her and quickly change the subject. They had shunned her, for reasons she didn’t know of. But she thinks it might be because of one of the theories. Every time she came up to her friends, they just turned their backs. Once, she had crept up unnoticed, and she heard the whisper that changed the way she thought and felt about all the Keipens;
"Maybe Paisley didn't do those things I've heard."
"Is that what you think? Paisley had gone over the border to the rival territory, and told them our secret!"
"The Secret?"
"Yes, The Secret. And you know as well as everybody that is a crime against Dyardin! Even the youngest kits know that."
"But would she do that?"
"The only thing I know is that she did it, and that is punishable--"
"Shhhh!"
They had spotted her, and she ran, ran to her father and told them what she had heard. He was as surprised as she was, but not as frightened. He never had actually been scared, exept the time he heard that her mother was gone. The Dyardin keipens never told anyone what they had done to her, even to Deret, her father, who was the Leader of the Dyardins. Even her friend, Meggie, could not help her. Meggie always had hunted and played with Onyx even when the others didn't. She never even got to say good-bye to her. She was sitting in the vast forest of the Dyardin territory eating a vole, when they dragged her by the tail
into the center of their territory, The Square. It was a huge lot of earth, no trees just hard-packed dirt. They had made her father come into The Square and order for all Keipens onto it. When nearly all of them were there, the ones that had dragged her began to announce
"This is Onyx,"
They looked at her and she somehow controlled herself form crying. "Doughter of Paisley the traitor! We cannot trust Onyx to be loyal to us when her mother had betrayed us all! Justice shall be today!"
Deret bounded up to those who had spoken "This is not justice! Let her go!"
"Even you, Leader Deret, cannot keep Dyardin from dolling out justice!"
"Please," her father pleaded, "Don't harm her! She has done nothing wrong!" Onyx was surprised to see him like that, he looked so weary, and she couldn't believe it, fearful. The Keipen who had took me spoke again after a few minutes.
"Alright, we shall not hurt her in any way."
He said reluctantly. He the flicked his tail for Onyx to follow, and she did, thinking that if she didn't they might change their minds. He stopped at the border of the Dyardin, then hissed at her .
"Go, and never come back. If you do, your father will not be able to save you."
Onyx didn't hesitate, she bounded over the border and never looked back, just thought back. Heart broken, she had been roaming the plains for three years, encountering few. Onyx avoided everyone she could, fearing that she would be rejected like before. She didn't know how she managed to survive, food did not come easily. She had to hunt for it, and on a rare occasion, fight for it.

I just have to say something. I really don't like the way the history reads... I'm going to edit that when I get around to it.

Roleplay Example:IC: The endless black velvet sky was the most comforting thing that Onyx could think of. It was her last hope, she was losing her will to live. The moon was the same strange cold, comforting, and calming color as the stars, its craters dark and looming. Onyx
thought about how her life would be if her mother hadn’t disapeared. Or killed, she thought bitterly. She had been getting angrier and angrier as each uneventful day passed, though she wasn’t sure what about. Every day was the same, wake up from a dreamless and troubled sleep,trek all day through sharp and brittle grass, find a stream and lap up as much as she could, then, not even troubling herself to find a safe sleeping place, calapse onto the ground where she happened to be standing at that time. She felt her life was smaller than an adam, nothing more than an inconvenience to everyone she had met. Just another chapter in the big book that was the archive of life, the holder of all souls. I can’t keep going like this... She thought. There
isn’t any meaning to this life. She hadn’t eaten in days, and she was starting to die, starting to slip away from a life that she didn’t want, a life she felt like she didn’t deserve. It was starting to mean nothing, the hunger pains, and the ache in her paws felt... distant. It was like it was muffled, like talking through a wall, or hearing things through ear-muffs.

This post has been edited by Heart on May 1 2008, 02:43 AM

Hey Heart! I finally got around to reviewing this, and have to say I like it! There's a couple things that I've pointed out to you below, tho, that I'd like you to fix for me. I've also bolded some things in the quotes that I think you could eliminate, since they're kiind of unnecessary info. But anyway...

By her age, does that mean that she would be a twelve year old if she were a human? (sorry, i know it's a stupid question =/) If so, that might be kind of young, considering her past and what she's been through. Try making her a bit older; more mature, you know? (no offense to 12 year olds) Also, the family section here is for her relatives, like her mother, father, siblings, etc. If she doesn't have any, make sure you put an explanation.

Oh, and it can be called a Keipen if you want it to. =)

This is good, and I got a nice vision of her personality. However, you might want to try and make your sentences more complete, instead of listing it. Like, instead of "Quick to put lower ranks in their place" simply write, "She is quick to put lower ranks...yada yada". It's not big deal, really; just one or two sentences are like that.

Also, you can always use spell check to check your spelling. And there's only one sun in Crepuscle, I think.

Again, this is good, but make sure you make it flow. (that's not really much of a problem here, however). As for the markings, since it's a race that you've created yourself, you can make it whatever you like, although I would strongly suggest you stay in the realm of realism. Like, maybe she can have the markings, just don't make them unnatural colors. Does that work?

To make this a little more clear, maybe you could add what some of the theries are for her mother's disappearance. Since they're just rumors, it would still be kind of mysterious, but we'd have an idea of how bad it was and why it would force Onyx from her clan.

As for the RP Example, yes, you need one. You don't necessarily have to make one up, just take a quick experpt from something you've written. That way we have a better idea of how you write.

All in all, this is a pretty good bio. Just go back and fix the spelling mistakes, edit out the stuff I bolded for you, and look at the things mentioned, and you'll be good. =)

Thanks, I will gladly do that! And yes, that does mean she would be 12. I'll make her older too.

This post has been edited by Heart on Jan 23 2008, 03:18 AM

Looks good enough to me! The only thing I would suggest is that you start a new paragraph whenever there is dialogue:

Other than that, its good! (just remember the spellcheck =P sorry if i seem nitpicky or anything..i'm weird about grammar O.o) I'm going to go ahead and accept you, so you can go ahead and post your RP example if you like.

Congrats!

Alright, I posted the example. Thats true, I will try to do that. It's just when I cope and paste from a notepad it gets all weird with new paragraphs.