only when you go away and I can't get my fears, mark

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

she couldn't remember the last time that she had slept at home, she made up excuse after excuse to get out of going home. she hated not being their during the night for nate but she tried to make up for it during the day. every single spare moment she had was spent with nate, she had spent looking after him and just spending time to him. to her, he was getting so big at 2 months, and she loved that he was starting to smile. every time she saw him, he had this big gummy smile that melted her heart. she kept telling herself she was going to break up with jacob, that she was going to leave him but she never got around to it. she was more than likely the worst fiancé in the world. she hated herself, she thought that she would have ended up being amazing at playing house but she wasn't. she hated it and maybe it was because it was with jacob.

she had done the transplant for mark last week, but she had texted him and stayed away, only because every time she went to go and see him, addison and the family were there. she could hear the smiles from his children and the guilt was getting to her then, it was getting to her more now. she was lying down in the on call room she had practically been living in for the past week and a half. she gripped hold of the pillow, tears rolling down her cheeks, jacob hadn't been working today so she hadn't seen nate and she was missing him like crazy. she felt like her heart was slowly breaking. she had no idea how she was going to last the night because they were the worst. she would just lie awake for hours, she only got through the day drinking red bull and coffee.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

The transplant had taken and Mark was doing better. He was so hopeful that this meant that he would be one of the few who beat this aggressive form of cancer that so few people ever beat. Addison and his kids were with him every step of the way and that only increased Mark's feelings of guilt.He felt horrible for what he was doing to them.Addison deserved better and so did his kids. Mark was not sure when he would be getting out of that hospital,but he could finally move around on his own two feet. He had gone by his office and made sure things were okay there. Now he was heading towards the on call room.

When he pushed open the door,he instantly saw Jenni lying there. He hadn't seen her or talked to her since the day she had agreed to do his transplant.He had gotten a few texts from her and he had texed her back.Mark closed the door and walked over to her.He didn't say a word when he saw her crying. He just climbed into bed and pulled her into his arms"What's going on?"Mark asked softly. It wasn't like Jenni to have a complete emotional breakdown and Mark was concerned about her.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni looked up when she heard the door open, her eyes were puffy and red, her hair was all over the place, she felt like hell had washed over her and that she looked that way as well. watching him as he walked over to her, she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks more as he pulled her into his arms, she loved him so much. she hated that the last few days without him. "i miss him." she muttered, she was hoping that he knew she was on about nate and not on about jacob because she wasn't missing that. she hated sleeping in a bed by herself but she hated the tension that was at home and she couldn't deal with it. she done everything she could to get out of working with jacob and it worked most of the time since she was an attending now. "i miss his chubby little cheeks and his little legs and his little smile." she muttered, the tears still rolling down her cheeks because this was the worst feeling in the world. she hated feeling lonely and it was worse because she hadn't seen nate in over 24 hours and it was killing her because he was her son no matter what happened.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

Mark knew that she meant Nate. Mark had heard a rumor that she hadn't gone home in days and that worried him. Mark didn't want her to be hanging around here all night.It wasn't good for her.She needed to go home and be with her son.Mark listened to her and he hated to hear the tears in her voice and feel the dampness of her cheeks from her tears"You should go home at night Jenni.You miss your son and I think he probaby misses you too."Mark told her. He was glad that Addison was staying with Archer for the night. Archer wasn't doing so hot and they were hoping that he was not going to have to go on the list for a liver transplant anytime soon.Mark knew how much Addison would be heartbroken.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni shook her head, she didn't want to go home, she didn't want to go home and have to deal with jacob. because she had been avoiding him and she couldn't do that at home. and then she would get questioned on why she hadn't been there for the last few days. she felt horrible because the small glimpse she saw of jacob, he looked so tired and down but she couldn't go home. she didn't want to go home to a man that she didn't love anymore and have to deal with it. she hadn't had her ring on recently, it was in her locker at the back under a pale of stuff. "no. as much as it hurts. i can manage. i'm working more through the night so i can spend time with him during the day." she muttered, pulling away and look at him. she was tired, she had only slept about 4 hours in the last two days. and now she was coming off the caffeine high she had constantly been on.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

Mark could tell that Jenni was tired and he wanted her to sleep.Mark knew that sleep could be difficult to come by at home with a new baby but he knew that Jenni was trying to avoid Jacob as well.Mark listened to her talk about how she was working nights so she could be there in the morning for Nate.Mark sighed wen she pulled away from him"Sleep Jenni.You can sleep right here in my arms."Mark told Jenni.Of course that meant that Mark had to get up and lock the door.He could manage that as long as Jenni agreed to get some sleep right now.She wanted to fall asleep with him holding her anyway and right now was the perfect time to do that.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni shook her head, she wasn't going to waste the only time that they had sleeping. she wanted to spend time with him, and not sleeping while doing that. they needed to use the time that they had being with each other, getting to know each other. "no, i'm okay. i'll just drink some more coffee." she pointed out, leaning over him to pick up the cup, sighing when she picked it up and noticed that it was empty. she wanted to put on the night dress that she normally wore to go to bed because she hated sleeping in scrubs, she hated the waist band on them and she hated it even more when it was across her scar because that was just uncomfortable. "i need to get some coffee." she muttered, it only only take her a few minutes but she had no idea if she could even make it to the coffee cart, she would more than likely fall asleep on the elevator floor.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

There was no way Mark was going to let her have any more caffine.She needed sleep and he was not going to stop hounding her about sleep until she laid down and let him hold her as she slept"No more coffee for you Jenni.You will be sleeping."Mark ordered.Mark hoped that he could get her to go to sleep.She would not be good for the patients if she was walking around the hospital half asleep.Mark looked at her and he sensed that she was not comfortable in her scrubs right now.Maybe sleeping in the scrubs was not comfortable"Stay here with me and sleep."Mark told her in a much gentler and softer voice as he kept a hold of her body.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni pouted when he said that she couldn't have any more coffee, she was coming off the caffeine high, she was just thankful it wasn't like coming off drugs high. well, at this moment in time it felt worse coming off caffeine because of how tired she was. shaking her head as he spoke, but she could feel her eyes slowly closing anyway, she didn't want to sleep, she could manage without the sleep, she was sure in med school she had gone longer. "i don't need to sleep." she pointed out to him, her voice and eyes when she opened them gave away how tired she was and how much she needed to sleep. she was forcing her eyes to stay open and they more than likely made her look like a doe eyed girl, or like she was on drugs. "i'm fine. i need to work. i can fit in an hours sleep and then i can go and see nate and watch him smile and play with him." she muttered, smiling when she mentioned nate and the image of seeing that little smile again that melted her heart. all she wanted to do was hold her baby in her arms and she couldn't do that. she wanted him to fall asleep on her chest which was one of the only things that calmed him down when he got colic-y.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

Mark loved her but he could tell that she needed her sleep more than she needed coffine so Mark was going to do whatever he had to do in order to make sure that she got some sleep.Her eyes were closing even as she tried to tell him that she didn't need sleep.Mark saw how she smiled when Nate was mentioned.Mark knew that any mention of her dweet little boy was enough to get her smiling no matter how hard of a day it was"The transplant took Jenni.They are pretty close to saying that I am in remission and telling me to go home."Mark told Jenni,hoping that she would smile at him the way she smiled when Nate was mentioned.Mark was so ready to be released from the hospital.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni looked at him through sleepy eyes when he spoke, smiling at him, she was thankful that it had took because it had hurt so much. she wasn't sure that she ever wanted to do that again in her life. she hadn't even told jacob that she had done that, she didn't want him to know. "he doesn't know about that." she muttered, she was struggling to keep her eyes open for a long period of time. it had been the worst pain she had been through so far in her life but she hadn't actually had a 'real' birth, she was just hoping that it wasn't as bad as that or she was going to end up having another c-section. "but i'm glad that it took. see, we're compatible." she muttered, acting like she was a 15 year old girl who was trying to prove to their boyfriend that they were meant to be together and with no one else. it was stupid, but she was tired and she was like a little girl when she was this tired. which was why she had been drinking coffee and red bulls so she didn't seem like she was years younger than she was when she was around patients, even if she did look like hell.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

Mark couldn't believe that Jacob didn't even know.Mark had told Addison who his donor was and she was greatful to Jenni.Mark wondered what would have happened if there was complications.Mark looked at her sleepy eyes and sighed knowing that there was no reason to be upset over the fact that Jenni hadn't told Jacob.When she spoke about being compatible,Mark smiled. He knew what she meant.She sounded like the freshman that he had dated on a dare so many years ago.She may have looked like she had been through a lot lately,but she still looked beautiful"I love you Jenni."Mark whispered softly in her ear.Mark was happy again and he was no longer as depressed as he had been"We really are perfect together."Mark added,his voice still low as he looked at Jenni.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

she still couldn't believe that he saw saying those three words to her, after he had broken her heart when they were younger, she never thought that he would be the person that filled her dreams that mentioned the future. he was there and it was painful but she loved it at the same time. "i love you too." she whispered back, she knew that she really did look bad right now. she had been covering the dark circles under her eyes with make-up but she had cried it all off now. her face was more than likely still red, adding the to somewhat mix of red, black and milky cream the skin on her face was. "we really are." she muttered, her eyes closing, she couldn't be bothered to fight against them anymore. she felt so tired and she was hoping that if she slept, she could somewhat miss work and then just be able to spend time with nate but she was struggling to have anything close to a real sleep.

her eyes opened widely after a few minutes of what seemed like sleeping, her heart beat racing in her chest and she was quickly covered in a cold sweat in just over a second. "i can't sleep." she muttered, she was acting like she was scared to go to sleep. as much as she was having good dream about them, she was also having horrible dreams which normally included something bad happening to nate or mark.

[Dr. Mark Sloan]

Mark knew that it wasn't fair ro kep telling her that he loved her.Especially knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to end it with hs wife anymore.Addison would want to hold onto him tighter and while he really did love his wife,the way he felt about Jenni was indescribable.When Jenni agreed with him,Mark pulled her body close his his and hoped that she would be able to sleep now that he was laying right beside her.He watched her close her eyes for a few minutes and then when she woke up,Mark was worried. He had only seen her sweaty right after sex and he could fell her head racing"Jenni,talk to me.What's going on?"Mark was concerned.It seemed as though she was having bad dreams whenever she tried to sleep and Mark knew that she needed uninterrupted sleep so he wanted to help her out.

[Dr. Jenni Thompson]

jenni looked at mark, fear was obvious in her eyes as she looked at him, taking in every single part of him, she felt so weak right now and she hated it. she couldn't even be bothered to move a single muscle in her body, she just wanted to lay here and have a sleep which wasn't plague with horrible dreams. "i keep having these dreams. and something happens to nate or you and i wake up and start panicking. i ring to er trying to find out if he's been brought in, or i sneak up to your floor to make sure you're okay. and i wake up like this. i can't sleep, i think it's so real when i wake up, it feels so real." she muttered, she was fighting to stay awake but her voice was getting quieter as she spoke and her eyes closed again, her head rolling to the side as she fell asleep again, her lips parter slightly, her eyes closed. but within seconds she was restless, she hadn't woken up but she was shifting around in his arms, her heart beat still racing, her breathing heavy but it really wasn't in a good way. she hated the wreck that was her life right now.