Federal Republic revokes religious freedom
But only to do something really funny to admin's creepy fan club, leaders assure rights activists


PARADISE CITY --- The Kennyite government celebrated its condemnation by the World Assembly this week -- the first-ever condemnation of a nation -- by ordering the slaughter of over 65,000 so-called "Violetists" for practicing human sacrifice.

"We're just sick and tired of getting that stupid issue every other week," claimed Deputy Attorney General Theodore Beck. "We usually just give them a few homeless people as fodder to shut them up, but they always come back demanding more. Enough is enough."

Instead, the Justice Department informed the violent cult that it would allow more human sacrifices to be held for their purported goddess, only this time the victims would be the Violetists themselves.

The order has drawn fire from human-rights activists who contend the government is violating its own long-held tradition of religious liberty and tolerance for adherents of minority faiths.

"By now none of us should be surprised when Kennyites do something reckless and ill-advised," said Rebecca Lang, executive director of Ban All Religion Now. "But this week's actions by the Federal Republic are especially troublesome and leave us in serious doubt as to whether we still live in a free and open society."

Government leaders, however, contend that nothing has changed, citing the World Assembly's recent denunciation of the Fernanda Administration for, among other supposed atrocities, "malpractice lawsuits against abortionists, curtailing same-sex marriage legislation, ridiculing a ban on chemical weapons, and suggesting that the nation should increase its fossil-fuel emission rates by 1,000 percent in a year."

"No matter what we do, the world continues to regard us as dictatorial scum," claimed Frowning Street spokesman Jeremy Wright. "We're just giving the people what they want."

The Kennyites' decision to make the followers of this "Violet" the object of their wrath is not without a touch of irony, as the deity's entire agenda over the past year appears to have been demonstrating that she despises the WA and its regular contributors almost as much as the Kennyites themselves do. But Wright waved these concerns off with his hand when reporters tried pointing them out.

"Worshiping a color is just creepy," he argued.

The order set off an intense legal battle, with the Supreme Court eventually issuing an emergency injunction blocking the executions, opining that, while executing a gang of murderous thugs for violent crimes is not technically a constitutional breach, "it's customary to hold a show trial or two first to keep the bleeding hearts off our backs."

Though the government claimed that what it was doing was actually "an affirmation of religious freedom," since they were allowing religious practitioners "to worship as they see fit" by holding human sacrifices, the court maligned this contention as "cheap point-scoring."

"The Constitution is indeed clear that all people may worship as they see fit, and while we are not without a sense of irony, this brand of humor by the government is just sick," the justices said.

Justice Department officials claim they intend to go forward with the executions, even if it means ignoring what Beck called "those cranky, decrepit old fossils" on the nation's high court. In a show of defiance, the attorney general even invited Gruenberg's Lori Jiffjeff to Paradise City to observe the executions as an international adviser.

Being marked for death doesn't seem to have dampened the Violetists' spirits. As hundreds of them were corralled into crowded detention cells in Paradise City Central Prison to await their fate, they continued to hold hands in prayer, occasionally breaking out into songs of praise to Violet, even ganging up on stray prison guards to sacrifice them to their god.

"We do not fear death; we welcome it," said Candy Joorgensen, a Violetist high priestess. "Death is just part of the journey. It brings us closer to our Creator. We are certain that with her at our side, nothing can ever overcome us-- OH GOD!!! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!?! AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"