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Antarctic Oasis: We put the "bop" in the "bop shoo bop shoo bop."

 You got the right one baby, UH-HUH!, Kennyite primaries 2009-10
Which Conservative candidate is your nation rooting for?
Sandy Schwetizer. [ 2 ]  [16.67%]
Manuelo Fernanda. [ 5 ]  [41.67%]
Neither - we want the Liberals to win. [ 1 ]  [8.33%]
We have better things to worry about than Kennyite politics. [ 0 ]  [0.00%]
We don't involve ourselves in any foreign elections. [ 1 ]  [8.33%]
Elections? What are those? [ 3 ]  [25.00%]
Total Votes: 12
Guests cannot vote 
Posted on Apr 20 2009, 08:06 AM

Disgustingly Racist Cultural Appropriator
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[OOC: If you see an opening and feel up for meddling in a foreign election, by all means, join in. Please use this topic for OOC remarks. Thanks.]

Kendra Holloway: And we're back, with Fox News-NS's continuing coverage of the Kennyite presidential primaries. Polls are showing a very competitive race between President Fernanda and challenger Judge Schweitzer in Lubberland, which holds the first caucus vote on April 25. Will the degenerate Neanderthal pull it out on Saturday, or will he be bested by a right-wing foe? Joining us now for more discussion on this contest is Deputy Secretary of State Antoin Venn, a supporter of the president, and KOP-a-FEEL President Temperance C÷kschmuncher, who supports Judge Sandy. So good of both of you to be with us this afternoon.

Venn and C÷kschmuncher: [in unison:] Good to be here.

Holloway: I'd like to show you guys a clip from last weekend's debate between the Conservative candidates, which shows just how much the race has heated up this past month; Judge Schweitzer questioning the president on his counterterrorism record. Let's listen:

[start clip]

Sandy Schweitzer: Actually I think the president's record on fighting terrorists has been rather weak. Sure, no one can hold a candle to the Destructor when it comes to invading tiny, helpless terrorist states -- which may or may not have anything to do with the bad guys attacking us on our homefront -- but when was the last time he invaded anyone's

Manuelo Fernanda: Just last week! I stole your FBI file.

Schweitzer: Heh, touche, Mr. President, but when was the last time you invaded people's bedrooms and told them how to live??

Fernanda: Yo, I invade bitches' bedrooms all the fuckin' time! Just ask Empress Jhessan--

Schweitzer: [disdainfully:] Ah, yes. Empress Jhessan. Our region's very own one-woman harem. There'll be plenty to say about her when we start talking foreign policy.

[end clip]

Holloway: Secretary Venn, does Judge Schweitzer have a point? Has President Fernanda lost ground on national security?

Antoin Venn: Oh, absolutely not, Kendra. The president's credentials on fighting terror and keeping our nation secure are rock-solid. As you well know, the president founded the AAA, our region's defense alliance, and his administration helped push through strong anti-terror legislation at the old United Nations. We've made some powerful allies since we embarked on the war on terror four years back, including Yelda, the Altan Steppes, the Palentine and Gruenberg. We even brought the Kawaiians to their knees over nuclear proliferation.

Temperance C÷kschmuncher: [scoffs] Yeah, with a little help from Lord Gojira.

Venn: [uneasily:] Yeah, I guess, yeah.

C÷kschmuncher: Somehow I doubt we'll be able to count on him every single time!

Venn: No we won't. But that only highlights the importance of remaining vigilant--

C÷kschmuncher: You know Kendra, I'd like to ask Mr. Venn, if the president has such a strong and positive record on all these issues, then why is he constantly resorting to despicable negative attacks on Judge Schweitzer's character?

Holloway: That's actually a very good, question, Tempe, and we have a clip from one of those Fernanda attack ads -- very controversial. Let's have a look:

[start clip]

[Happy cartoon children are shown on a playground dancing and singing.]

Children: Well, Sandy's a bitch!
She's a big, fat bitch!
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch!
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls!--

"Turn that off already," Sammy said in disgust as he entered the president's office.

"It's fuckin' hilarious dude!" Fernanda cackled from his leather recliner.

"Only because you're stoned stupid," Sammy pointed out. "Do you honestly think people are going to take an attack ad based on a South Park song seriously?"

"Attack ad?!" Fernanda repeated indignantly. "It never once specifies we're talking about Sandy Schweitzer! It could be any Sandy they're singing about!"

"It includes a clip of a cartoon you beating up a cartoon Judge Sandy!" Sammy reminded him. "And as hilarious as the whole violence against women angle might be, I don't think the feminists would get the joke."

"Meh, feminists don't care about conservative women anyway."

"Whatever," Sammy said dismissively. "I only hope you have positive ads on the air too."

"Yeah, well get a load of this!" Fernanda said as he unmuted the TV. A trio of attractive women was dancing around a very happy-looking Destructor as a jazz band played an upbeat anthem and a familiar face behind the piano began to sing:

You got the right one baby!
...If he's irrepressively lovable, unsurpassedly colorful and eminently soulful,
You got the right one baby!

"What do you think of that?" Fernanda demanded.

Sammy looked horrified. "Dude, Pepsi's gonna sue you!" he objected. "Not to mention the estate of Ray Charles. And did you have to freak and grind those girls so feverishly on national television? I'm sure they have parents."

"Well, how would you get peeps to vote for me?"

"I honestly don't know," Sammy scoffed. "Your numbers haven't been this low since right before you invaded Tiki Taki."

"You're right, Alex!" Fernanda said with sudden revelation. "If I wanna win, I'm gonna have to invade an island even more piddling and pathetic than Tiki Taki!"

"Wait a second! Mr. Pres--"

"DEBBIE!" Fernanda bellowed to his executive secretary outside the door. "Get Commander Chiang on the phone!"

"Mr. President, I didn't actually mean you should invade--"

But Fernanda had already picked up the phone. "Yo, Commander! Mobilize the girls! We're invading Wailele Island! Wear something sexy."
The Southern Commonwealth
Posted on Apr 27 2009, 07:41 AM

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With a regional war wrapping up, a post-war rebuilding to plan, and a constitutional convention about to take place, one couldn't blame the Altani for feeling just a bit overwhelmed.

But political issues were like the ubiquitous slogan for Belek's Beef Kabobs, Alana Kasimira found herself thinking wryly. There's always room for one more.

"We should begin considering who we might want to endorse in the Kennyite elections, Madam President," Secretary of State Kerim Sofian said.

Kasimira winced. "Our choices are between a right-wing nutjob, a right-wing pervert, and some losers who stand no chance."

Sofian gave a slight grimace. "That does sum it up, Madam President."

Kasimira sighed. "I don't even know who to root for at this point. And people say our elections are screwed up."

Sofian smirked. "Maybe we can ship the Kennyites Jinella Agaranth and let her be Fernanda's running mate. It would serve her right, poetic justice at its finest."

"Don't get my hopes up," Kasimira said wryly.

"As much as Fernanda creeps you out, Madam President, might I suggest that it's better to stick with the devil we know than the one we don't? The only other person who has a chance in the election is this Judge Sandy, and she frankly makes Jinella look like a nice quiet schoolgirl. She'd be unpredictable, and at least we know what Fernanda is likely to do....most of the time, anyway," Sofian said.

"Let's wait and see how the first primaries go," Kasimira said after thinking for a moment. "That'll give us some idea of how things are leaning. And that'll give me time to get used to the idea of endorsing Fernanda," the President added, an involuntary shudder going down her back.
The Palentine
Posted on Apr 29 2009, 09:06 AM

The thinking man's pervert
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One morning Her Hottness was meeting with Lord Julius to take care of some business.

"And that is pretty much everything that we really need to get started on, your Hottness. So far everything is running smothly. The economy is doing well, and as a bonus some of our nation's companies are cashing in on the close ties our nation made with former Altani colonies, here in the AO. They have been getting involved with the rebuilding, and are now looking to invest in the new Altan state. With your permission, I'd like contact the Altani goverment and open up a trade delegation in the former colony.", said Julius.

"I agree. Get it done as soon as possible. Now is there anything else, my Lord?", replied the Empress.

"Well, there is the upcoming Kennyite presidential primary, your Hottness. I'm not sure what we should do. Technically its not our concern, but I really think it is in the best intrest of our country if Fernanda stays in power. He's good for a laugh, and can be easily distracted. I know you and he are close, but it makes my job easier, when some of our regionmates have no idea what I'm doing. His opponent seems to be a busybody, who would interfere too much."

Jhessan gives her Prime Minister an evil look before responding,
"There are times my Lord, that I wonder what you're getting this nation into. However I agree with your assessment. I've got that press conference today, so I'll just add an endorsement for Manuelo to my speech. Hmmmmm....I've an idea that might further help out Manny and myself. My half brother Lionel is in his second year of college. He's been asking me about an internship in the government. This might be an opportunity for him to broaden his horizons. I'll send a letter to Sammy, requesting an internship for Lionel. Then I'll suggest to Sammy, or maybe Alex, that they use my little brother to help out in the campaign."

"Is that such a good idea, you hottness? I mean, sending the young lad to Paradise City. He's an impressionable young fellow." said Julius.

"He's also got all of Dad's sneaky and underhanded genes. Frankly, I think The Kennyites are the ones who should worry, my Lord.", Jhessan answered.

That Afternoon

Jhessan: "And before I take your questions I'd like to offer President Fernand my personal and nations endorsement for his Presidental run. THe Fernanda Admistration has been on the forefront of this region's security and economic well being. "

Female Reporter: "You Hottness. President Fernanda's opponent Justice Schwetizer has called you a shameless whore, and this region's one woman harem in a couple of her speeches. Do you have any comment?

J: She's just angry and jealous that she's not getting any!

Press Conference ends


From:The Imperial Palace, The'Burgh
To: Sammy Faisano, Sec'y of State

Dear Sammy,
á á I'm sending you this letter to request an governemnt internship for my younger brother Lionel Q. Spaulding. The lad is intellegent, well behaved, and has impecable manners, so actually he is overqualified for an internship in your nation, but I'd like one for him anyway. He would be a wonderful asset to President Fernanda's Presidential campaign, as the youth is also sneaky, underhanded, and very scoundrel-like.
Her Imperial Hottness, Empress Jhessan Spaulding

This post has been edited by The Palentine on Apr 30 2009, 08:13 AM
Posted on Apr 29 2009, 07:01 PM

Disgustingly Racist Cultural Appropriator
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Sammy snickered as he read the missive from Her Hottness. Was she joking? Didn't she realize he didn't give a rat's ass who won the nomination, so long as he got an appointment as ambassador to some far-off tropical island in the next administration? Sammy pondered the possibility that the letter was an attempt by Jhessan to patch up relations between them after last year's wrestling feud, until he saw the name of the proposed intern: Lionel Q. Spaulding. The identity theft victim the imperial guard had been after the State Department about since before Sammy took office. The secretary had to smile; at least the empress' sense of humor hadn't run out! Even so, the only reason he would even think of taking Jhessan up on her offer was the prospect that Lionel, being both a Palentine and a Spaulding, would doubtlessly cook up some shady scheme that would result in highly amusing scandal coverage on the cable news channels later on. And that was good enough for him. Immediately he picked up the phone and placed a call to Fernanda's campaign manager.


"Yeah, Jack, it's Sammy. I got another intern for you to put to work. Name's Lionel--"

"Faisano!" Riley fumed. "What makes you think I'm gonna listen to another word you say after you sent me those lunatics--?"

"Ace and Rico are national heroes!" Sammy protested, somewhat ironically.

"They're lazy, good-for-nothing potheads," Riley spat back. "It takes them forever to do anything, and it's never done right, because they're always stoned half to death!"

"Yeah," Sammy agreed sarcastically. "I bet it takes them a whole week to successfully kidnap an Ardchoillean cat from the Strangers' Bar!"

"Quiet you. No matter what black marks are on my record, I've never fucked up as badly as they have! You know, we sent them to Elder Bryant University, because we thought they'd actually be useful for getting out the youth vote, and state police report at least two dozen drug busts on campus since Ace and Rico arrived!"

"Kids smoking pot on a college campus is hardly a scandal," Sammy pointed out.

"It's a Mormon mission school, you jerk! The students had barely heard of marijuana before we sent them those freaks! Now all those creepy Mormons are revolting and defecting to the Schweitzer campaign!"

"And you don't think the gay-marriage thing had anything to do with that?"

"Dude, whatever. Those druggy-buddies of yours even fuck things up when they're not doing anything! We actually told them to 'man the phones' in an office where we'd disconnected the phone lines, just to keep them out of the way, and there was nothing for them to do all day except sit around and stare at the curtains. You know what they did?"

"They smoked the curtains?"

"They smoked the curtains! I don't even know how they did it without setting off the sprinklers! ...Anywho, we've sent to campaign in Tiki Taki."

"Does Tiki Taki even vote in the primaries?" Sammy asked.

"No, but don't tell them that!"

"Well, the guy I have in mind is supposed to be top-notch. Smart and savvy, very resourceful. Empress Jhessan is donating him for the primaries, and she can personally vouch for his character. Lionel Q. Spaulding, a member of the Palentine imperial family."

"Hubba hubba!" Riley drooled. "If he's OK with a hot piece of ass like Jhessan, he's OK with me! Have him report to our office as soon as he arrives!"

"Will do, Jack. Good luck." <click>

Sammy sighed as he tilted back in his office chair. He grabbed the remote control and flipped on the TV; he figured he'd earned at least a few-minutes' break after managing to con Riley into taking on another unqualified intern...

Kendra Holloway: Continuing live coverage on Fox News-NS. Good evening everyone, I'm Kendra Holloway. The stakes have been raised in the Kennyite presidential election, as Manuelo Fernanda barely escapes with his life in Saturday's Lubberland caucuses, and Judge Sandy scores a near upset in that very traditional state. Results from the caucuses themselves showed that out of 3.5 million votes, Fernanda finished only 35,000 votes ahead of Schweitzer, despite pre-caucus polls giving him a 10-point lead! In total, Fernanda nabbed an estimated 25 delegates in that contest, while Schweitzer got 20. A very disappointing finish for the president.

Meanwhile, the Liberals' campaign has been becoming by the minute more and more depressing, not to mention dispiriting for any hope that the party can retake Frowning Street. Senator Thorne, running unopposed, took only 50% of the votes in Lubberland's Liberal caucuses, with 2% voting for write-in candidate Antigone Morgan, 3% for House Speaker John Hankley, 2% for Senator Sherman Grassley, an unprecedented 30% voting "Does it even fucking matter?", and a whopping 13% backing radio "shock-jock" Harvey Bromowitz, who has been jokingly urging listeners to "shake up" the Liberal primaries by writing in his name instead of "yet another ditchwater candidate." One Bromowitz supporter explained his vote in Saturday's contest:

[begin video clip]

Unidentified male voter: The way I see it, it's like this: we're not going to win this election anyway, Ross Perot probably has a better chance than we do, and if we're gonna go down this year, we might as well go down with a bang, instead of having that jack-off John Thorne drone the Liberal base to sleep in yet another dreary campaign. Go Harvey!

[end video clip]

Holloway: Facing no credible opposition in the party primaries, John Thorne has elected to take a week off to spend time with his family before beginning his campaign for the Colorado Island primary next month. But all is definitely not quiet on the Conservative front, as the president and the judge continue to duke it out. Joining us now to discuss her underdog bid for the presidency, Judge Sandy Schweitzer. Thank you for being with us tonight, Judge.

Sandy Schweitzer: Thanks for having me.

Holloway: Now, your campaign has been focused mainly on social issues, to speak to disenchanted Conservative family-values voters, but you've been hitting the president on foreign policy as well. Has the Federal Republic benefited from its current relationships with regional and WA powers?

Schweitzer: Yes it has, Kendra, but that's not the point. Under the Fernanda Administration, we've been cozying up with the Palentine, maybe getting a little
too cozy, in Manuelo and Jhessan's case, but at what cost? Our alliance with the Palentine is certainly important, but ignoring our other friends has cost us our soul! In a Schweitzer Administration, we're going to steer the Federal Republic's national agenda away from the libertine Palentine model, and veer more toward the Gruenberger moralist model. It's time our great nation spoke with genuine moral authority in world affairs, and that will be the primary goal in my foreign policy. I've spoken with Lori Jiffjeff on these matters, and she definitely agrees; she's a stand-up kinda gal, and I intend to model my policies after the daring initiatives she has undertaken to restore family values in her country.

Holloway: But the administration is hinting at another overseas contingency operation to counter the ever-growing man-caused-disaster threat from abroad. If Fernanda goes to war again, do you think it will be harder to focus on domestic affairs in this campaign?

Schweitzer: Poppycock! If Manuelo wants a war, we will certainly have one, but my battle will be against the rot and decay in our inner cities!

Holloway: You mean a war on poverty?

Schweitzer: Bah! Wars on poverty are for wuss-brained Liberals who are too scared to go all the way! I intend to dispense with the political correctness of a "war on poverty" and stage an all-out war on the poor!

Holloway: A war on the poor?

Schweitzer: Yes! We're going to finally round up all the homeless people on our streets and lock them up in insane asylums where they belong! Then we're going to tell those lowlife single mothers to get a job already, and get a husband, if they want to keep leeching off government benefits. We're also going to end the farce of "school busing" once and for all, and send those lousy inner-city hooligans back to the crime-ridden, drug-infested glorified juvenile prisons they came from! I mean, they're not going to learn anything anyway; why fight it?

Holloway: Hmm. All interesting ideas, Judge, but are they legal?

Schweitzer: Hey, who's the judge here? I'll make them legal! I still have a good many friends on the bench, and you forget, as president I will appoint the Supreme Court. If we want to revolutionize our approach to inner-city filth, we have to take extra care that our adversaries in the courts don't resort to legislating from the bench to get their way! Our Constitution is only as good as the politicians willing to tear it to shreds in order to uphold the values of the nation it protects!

Holloway: Fascinating. We're sure to hear more about these plans as the campaign develops. One last question: Empress Jhessan says your criticisms of her moral shortcomings are the result of your being "angry and jealous that (you're) not getting any!" What do you have to say to that?

Schweitzer: That used to be the case, Kendra. But that was before Bert and I discovered the Little Blue Pill. Now our sex life has never been better! We can go at it for hours! Old-people sex rules!

Holloway: [seemingly resisting the urge to retch:] Wonderful! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us, Judge Schweitzer.

We'll be back with more news from the campaign trail.
The Palentine
Posted on May 4 2009, 10:57 AM

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A bright looking 19 year old lad walking with a slightly crouched gait entered the informal dining room of the Imperial Palace. Jhessan fondly watched her little brother as he made his way over his seat.
"He really does look like Dad when he was younger," she mused to herself, "especially with the freshly greasepainted mustache and eyebrow, and unlit cigar in his hand."

"Good morning, Sis. What are they serving today, that isn't poisonous?", Lionel asked.

"I don't know little brother, I don't eat here.", Jhessan responded.

"Tell me about it. Usually at this time, I'm told, you're doing the walk of shame.", Lionel said with a smile as he poured himself a glass of orange juice.

"Very funny little brother." Her Hottness said as she playfully threw her napkin at him. Lionel snickered as he ducked.

A mans' voice was heard from behind the morning paper,
"Children, be nice. You old pop has got a big day of golf ahead of him, and would like to eat his breakfast in peace."

Both children said in unison,
"Sorry Dad."

Jhessan paused for a moment before saying,
"Oh I've got good news for you Lionel. Sammy Faisano has arranged the internship you've been wanting. You'll be working for Manuelo's re-election. You'll be able to make some contacts in Ohmigodtheykilledkenny, and learn some practical knowlage of politics. Also I've taken the liberty of putting the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe on retainer for you. Knowing you like I do, I think you'll probally be needing them."

" Uhh..thanks sis.....I think. This is going to be great. Anyway, do you have any additional advice for me when I get there?", Lionel asked.

"Yeah, If those two stoners Ace and Rico offer you anything, Just Say No!", Her Hottness answered sweetly.
The Palentine
Posted on May 6 2009, 09:16 AM

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The small Imperial jet landed at the Paradise City International Airport, and taxied to the secure terminal. After coming to a stop, it let its two passagers disembark. Some officials from the Palentine Embassy met them and loaded their baggage onto a waiting SUV, while another funtionalry wisked the youngsters through the airport, and to a waiting car. As the car drove off to the embassy, Lionel looked over at the young lady sitting next to him and said,
"Stick with me Remy, and you go First Class."

Remy laughed. She was a slim girl, about 5'6" tall, with black hair cut short, and glasses. She was cute, in a geeky sort of way. She was carrying a laptop in a travel case.
"I'll bet you say that to all the girls, Lionel.", she said with a smile.

"Nope. Only the ones that are as sneaky as me." Lionel replied while arching his eyebrows.

"Be that as it may. I'm glad that you invited me to travel with you. I've always wanted to visit to Paradise City. And to see for myself, if the citizens are as dim as they say.", said Remy.

"Let us hope so, Love. We'll be able to make a killing here after we graduate."

They both laughed most sinisterly at that remark.

"Anyway, we'll stop at the embassy and stow our stuff. Sis said that Zara has prepared us some nice digs. Then we'll get a bite to eat before checking in with Jack Riley. Remy, This is going to be fun.", continured Lionel.

Later that day.....

Lionel and Remy walked into President Fernanda's Campaign HQ. Lionel was carrying a golf bag over his shoulder, while Remy was carrying her laptop, and a manila folder. At the front desk, the receptionist stopped them and asked their business. Lionel gave the woman a leer that His Dooziness would be proud of, wiggled his cigar and said,
"I'm the Pro from Dover, and this is my caddy. We could be thinking about registering for the Paradise City Open. Alternatively we could also be here to see that infamous cat-napper Jack Riley. Remy, do the honors, if you please."

Remy smiled sweetly, and handed the woman their letters of introduction from Empress Jhessan.

The receptionist briefly scanned the papers before reaching for the phone....
"Dear God! Riley's going to go nuts! I wonder if the Schweitzer Campaign is hiring...", she thought before saying into the reciever,

"Mr. Riley, the interns from the Palentine are here....."

This post has been edited by The Palentine on May 8 2009, 08:07 AM
The Palentine
Posted on May 13 2009, 09:20 AM

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A little later......

Lionel and Remy were standing outside Fernanda election HQ. Remy looked over at Lionel and said,
"Now that is a bit of a dissapointment. I don't understand why he started yelling about Sec'y of State Faisano like that?"

"I'm not sure, but Sis told me that he hasn't been right in the head since he attempted to kidnap Bast from the Stranger's Bar. What I don't like Remy, is his plan to have us man some phones for the campaign. Did that room look a bit fire damaged to you?", Lionel replied.

"I think he's trying to get rid of us. Damn I was hoping to see more of the city. This has boredom written all over it.", Remy said dejectedly.

"Fear not, love of my life. I've got a plan. Help me stow these clubs in the back of the Shelby, and I'll fill you in on the details.", responded Lionel.

As the duo drove back to the embassy, Lionel started to expound on his plan,
"I think Riley's problem is that he doesn't know what we can do, Remy. Sammy probally didn't share any information Sis sent to him, and lets face it, Riley is a little on the old side. I mean, geez, he must be pushing 40 or something. He probally doesn't understand young people. I figure our best bet is to strike out on our own, and do a little freelance work, to prove ourselves. If we work hard, and cause enough chaos, I think we can pretty much write our ticket the rest of the way, so to speak."

Remy leaned over and kissed him on the cheek,
"Thats a great idea Lionel. Did I ever tell you your deviousness really turns me on?"

Giving her a sidelong leer, Lionel said,
"Why thank you, my dear. You can give me a suitable reward later tonight, but right now we must focus on our task."

"Which is?", asked Remy.

"Before I elaborate, I must ask you a question, Remy. Do you have enough computer gear to make passable forgeries, and photoshop pictures, and edit online videos? Or will you need some more equipment?

"Well....the 'puters at the embassy look okay, but I've better equipment in my dorm room, and at home. I think an upgrade in technology would be good, though.", Remy answered.

"I thought as much, my dear. Lets go shopping. While dear old Riley was having his fit, I took the liberty of rifling his office, and found a few hundred tree fiddys in campaign funds. We can use that, plus some of the cash I brought along to upgrade. I figure it will be okay. After all, we are working for the campaign.", said Lionel.

Remy laughed.

Lionel reached into his jacket and pulled out a press release and handed it to Remy.
"This, my dear, is a press release from Schweitzer's campaign. Do you think that you can make a bunch of blank ones with letterheads?", Lionel asked Remy.

"Sure, I can scan it in then deleate everything not needed, and use it for a template. Umm....may I ask how you aquired this, love?" Remy replied.

"While I was rifling the desk, I saw it and thought it might come in handy. That reminds me...here.", Lionel handed Remy a couple of blank Fernanda Campaign Credentials, before continuing,
"Heres a couple of campaign IDs. I figure we can save Riley the trouble by preparing these ourselves. The dear man has a lot on his mind right now."

Remy and Lionel laughed as they drove to the nearest Best Deal™ technology store.

A few days later a package and a letter arrived at the Federal Republic Election Commission...

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe
1312 Mockingbird Lane,
The 'Burgh, Palentine.
Hugh Louis Dewey esq.
Chief Partner

To whom it may concern,
This letter is to inform you that my client has formed a PAC known as University Students for President Fernanda. I have enclosed the registration forms filled out in triplicate, and the registration/bonding fee required. my client hopes to hear from you soon, with their Tax ID. Any contact with my client may be made through this law office, or our branch office in Paradise City(address provided in the forms). Thank you for your time.
Hugh Louis Dewey esq.
The Palentine
Posted on May 23 2009, 10:25 AM

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Lionel was standing behind Remy, as she finished working on something on the new computer system they set up, in her room, in the Palentine Embassy. She looked over her shoulder at him and asked rather hesitantly,
"Ummm...Lionel? Are you sure this is okay?"

"Absolutely! Love of my life. Why do you ask?", Lionel responded to her querry.

"Well....it just doesn't seem right. I understand the demographics, and your sister's popularity, but I think she's going to be pissed. And I don't want her pissed at me. I've saw what she did to poor Sec'y Faisano at the PPV.", Remy said.

"Oh don't worry, my dear, Once she gets over the initial shock, I'm sure she'll laugh about it.", Lionel said confidently.

"Well if you say so, love. Here it goes.", Remy said as she punced a more keys.
"There, its been downloaded on the popular web video sights. Now I guess we can wait and see if it goes viral."

The Fernanda campaign video started to make its rounds on various web sites, and e-mails. Soon many people were able to download or watch the web-vid. The video showed location shots from the Malibu Islands. Patriotic Kennyite music was heard in the background. The camera panned on a crowd around a volleyball court. As the camera moved in to a closeup of a bikini clad woman about to serve the ball, Empres Jhessan's voice was heard to say,
"I'm Empress Jhessan, and I'd like to talk to you about the coming election...."
The camera focused on the action on the court. It seemed that Her Hottness was playing in the match. Meanwhile the voice continued,
"You should support President Fernanda in his re-election. He's done a great job for your nation and brought great prestige and prosperity. Furthermore he has been on the forefront of this region's security and economic well being. Thank you for your support and remember......"
At this point the camera froze in a close-up of Her Hotness spiking the ball...
user posted image
Then the video ended with a black screen, with the words...
This ad was provided by University Students for President Fernanda

Much Later.....
Her Hotness was talking on the phone to Jack Riley, and she seemed pissed.

"......What the hell do you mean, you don't know anything about the ad? It came from your campaign!......What the hell do you mean you've never heard of the group that placed the ad?....I'm telling you right now, Riley, if I find out that you're lying to me, I'm going to cause you more pain than you'll ever know! Just ask Faisano about that!<CLICK>"
Jhessan then hung up the phone.
Posted on Jun 26 2009, 03:35 PM

Disgustingly Racist Cultural Appropriator
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Continuing Fox News-NS coverage of Manuelo Fernanda's re-nomination bout with Sandy Schweitzer...

Kendra Holloway: ...Joining me now for analysis on the primary battle between President Fernanda and Judge Schweitzer are two leading women of the right wing... who I'm sure are perfectly lovely people in their private lives: Temperance C÷kschmuncher, the president of KOP-a-FEEL -- who once tried to kick me off the air for showing too much cleavage -- and author and columnist Ann Coulter -- who once keyed my car for disparaging that nutcase Jack Riley -- and has shocked many in the right-wing movement for supporting the president over his moral-crusader opponent.

Temperance C÷kschmuncher: [snarling at Ann:] Traitor.

Ann Coulter: Lesbian whore.

Holloway: Charming. And finally, Jimmy Baca, our nation's trade representative and former treasury secretary. Jimmy, where do you stand in this fight?

Baca: Actually, I'm with my friend Sammy Faisano on this one. I don't give a shit who wins the nomination. Both of these horrid bitches can die as far as I care.

Coulter: Well if that doesn't make me fear for the country when the younger generation takes over!

C÷kschmuncher: For once we agree on something.

Coulter: [appalled to be agreeing with Tempe on anything:] But I would like to state for the record that I agree with Mr. Baca's suggestion that this bitch die!

C÷kschmuncher: Why don't you go polish your Adam's apple, Skeletor!

Holloway: Right. Ann, let's go to you first: President Fernanda pulled out a surprise win in Fleurdelisia last week, taking all 225 Conservative delegates in that state; this after winning narrowly in the Lubberland caucuses, and losing in the conservative primary state of Colorado Island last month. But Fleurdelisia's winner-take-all system has put Fernanda in the lead and given him momentum going into Thorland and the Nessie Shelf's primaries just about ten days from now. With Conservative voters so far having awarded that philandering jerk-off two-thirds of the allocated delegates, should we be questioning not only the Conservatives' intelligence, but their sanity as well?

C÷kschmuncher: I hardly think Ann is qualified to question anyone else's sanity.

Coulter: You're one to talk, Queen Bitch. You endorsed Antigone Morgan in the last election, based on what? Her superb acting abilities? How incredibly real her implants feel? I hardly think you're qualified to tell anyone how they should vote. Anyway Kendra, with regard to our party's choice this year--

C÷kschmuncher: Slut.

Coulter: --With regard to our party's choice, I think I'd much rather be supporting a magnificent conservative leader like Manuelo Fernanda, who led the fight against UN tyranny, who actually achieved the UN's destruction last year, who has led us in this War on Terror, which by the way, has been a spectacular success!

C÷kschmuncher: Is that what you were saying when those Xt'Tap hooligans blew up your car?

Coulter: Eh, I've been due for a new car for a while anyway, and now the insurance company's paying for it. I'm not complaining. I guess you could say even where the administration fails it succeeds!

Holloway: National security is one thing, Ann, but how could a self-respecting right-winger like yourself possibly support a morally bankrupt drug-addict and sex-fiend like Fernanda?

Coulter: I'm glad you asked that question, actually. All these conservative voices keep harping on the president for his sex life, and they keep telling me, "I'm surprised you're not with us, Ann. His record in morality is appalling. You should be standing up for true conservative values." But really, all that's ever been proven is that he had sex with a few interns. What's so wrong about that? I don't think I've ever advocated that a president step down over something as silly as oral sex with interns!

[They all give her confused looks.]

Well, I've never said that about a Kennyite president!

But if you want to debate social issues, if you want to turn this election into the cultural war Sandy Schweitzer is so craving, let's examine Judge Schweitzer's record on the issues, shall we? This is a woman who claims to be such a heroine on social issues, but her rulings from the bench -- on abortion, on gay marriage, on drugs -- tell a dramatically different story. When it comes down to a choice between a man who keeps us safe, but has flaws like any other human being, and a woman who does one thing while serving on the bench, but has the nerve to advocate the exact opposite when she's posturing for conservative votes, I'll take the man-whore, thank you very much. I am so sick and tired of hearing Sandy Schweitzer trash the Fernanda Administration for supposedly being "soft on gays," for example, when she was the one who ruled that "Gay Days" at amusement parks should be mandatory!

C÷kschmuncher: Are you honestly going to tell us that Fernanda's record on "special rights" is better than Judge Schweitzer's?

Coulter: When we're talking about the administration that sponsored the repeal of Gay Rights, I'll gladly stack their record up against anyone else's. For freak's sake, Fernanda's probably beat up more guys who hit on him at nightclubs than Schweitzer's actually put in jail! And I don't need to remind you, he fired that pervert Alex Tehrani and replaced him with a decent family man like Sammy Faisano.

Holloway: But Fernanda lost in the conservative state of Colorado Island where Schweitzer hit him hard on social issues. What do you make of that, Jimmy?

Baca: I think it's more to do with the fact that several county election boards messed up the paper ballots so that every choice on them was "Sandy Schweitzer," not anything the judge actually said.

C÷kschmuncher: That's just a myth concocted by Liberals to hurt Schweitzer with moderates in the general election. It's like the stink they raised during Judge Schweitzer's gubernatorial election, when they ran out of English ballots and had to force everyone to use the Chinese ones instead. Well, it was the crybaby Liberals who demanded we print up multi-language ballots so illegal aliens could vote, and now they're whining when we actually make good use of these extra ballots?! You can never win with these people!

Holloway: The Colorado Island primary happened around the same time the Fernanda campaign released that scandalous Web ad featuring a scantily-clad Empress Jhessan -- whom Schweitzer has taken to calling the "Whore of Burgh-ylon." Do you think the empress's support will help or hurt the president in the end, Ann?

Coulter: I think Empress Jhessan has been a great ally of the president's. Remember, The Palentine is one of the few countries in the world that actually likes us. I don't think we should do what the Liberals -- and apparently Judge Schweitzer! -- would prefer, and shove them aside so we can suck up to regimes that hate us and do everything in their power to undermine us. And if Jhessan wants to show off her body, more power to her. I certainly wouldn't mind having a body like that. She has much to be proud of.

Holloway: Speaking of international affairs, Judge Schweitzer said recently that we should rethink our alliance with countries like the Altan Steppes, "who maintain sensible policies on issues like international terror, but at the same time elect degenerates like Alana Kasimira to office." Tempe, does Ann have a point about Schweitzer sharing the Liberals' desire to snub and offend our allies?

C÷kschmuncher: Kendra, I think it's important to draw a distinction here. We can maintain our alliances with nations like The Palentine and the Altan Steppes, but that does not mean we need to pal around with their leaders and give the impression that we support their errant lifestyles. If Jhessan wants to dress like a skank and fool around with a jackass like Manuelo Fernanda, we're not going to stop her. But we aren't going to endorse her risky and abhorrent behavior, either. The Federal Republic spoke with clear moral authority at the United Nations, and we should reflect that strong, unflinching moral stance in the way we deal with our partners and allies and even enemies.

Coulter: I believe that the Altan Steppes is one of the most right-thinking nations in our sphere of influence, and they have been fantastic friends to our government and our people, and if their president wants to turn her privates inside out, that's her business. She has done the absolute right thing in standing up for freedom and staying by our side as we battle these monsters who want to destroy us. And once again, I am absolutely stunned that Judge Schweitzer can come out with a stright face and feed us all these sermons about "moralism," when as a judge she proved herself to be nothing but a limp-wristed, feminized little wuss--

C÷kschmuncher: Oh, shut your trap, Ann! Judge Schweitzer's more man than you'll ever be!

Coulter: [mortally offended:] No one's more man than I'll ever be!

Holloway: Jimmy, let's get back to you for a second. I've been sitting here listening to these idiots go at each other, and I can't help asking: Don't you agree with me that both these candidates are awful, awful people and maybe our nation would be better off electing a Liberal?

[All three guests gasp in horror.]

C÷kschmuncher: [dangerously, to Coulter:] Annie, get your gun!

Holloway: Oh Geez! We have to pay some bills right now, and if I make it through the commercial break, we'll be back with continuing coverage of the Fernanda-Schweitzer primary battle.
The Southern Commonwealth
Posted on Jun 27 2009, 04:59 AM

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Joined: 24-November 07

Weekly presidential press conference in Natascora

Kasimira: ....and I am pleased to report that our efforts in the Athican Archipelago are proceeding well, building a strong foundation for the next constituent state of the Federation. On a different subject, as you know, the primaries will soon be taking place in OMGTKK. As the Kennyites are a valued ally and friend to the Federation, this election is one of great interest to many people here. Accordingly, I am pleased to announce that I am endorsing Manuelo Fernanda. I will now take questions.

After a stunned silence, a reporter with the Federation City Journal stands up.

Reporter: Madam President, your endorsement of Fernanda is unexpected, to say the least. It will prove to be a surprise to many Altani, so I guess my question is, um....why Fernanda?

Kasimira: There is no denying that my administration does differ with President Fernanda on some issues. But there is also no denying that under his leadership, the Kennyites have been a strong friend of the Federation. They have shown this on multiple occasions, such as the Altanari colonial rebellion, the war on terror, and the Imperial conflict. As such, it only makes sense to endorse someone who has a proven record of supporting his nation's allies. That is not something that can be guaranteed by his opponent, Judge Schweitzer.

Kasimira points to another reporter.

Reporter #2: Speaking of Judge Schweitzer, there were recent comments she made where she called you a "degenerate" and questioned the alliance with our nation due to what she claims is our lack of moral values. Temperance C÷kschmuncher, the president of KOP-a-FEEL, defended Schweitzer's statements and questioned what she termed your "errant lifestyle". How do you respond to that, Madam President?

Kasimira (smirking): I think Schweitzer and C÷kschmuncher are just jealous that their transitions didn't go anywhere near as successfully as mine did.

Crowd laughs.

Kasimira: But seriously, it's comments like that that give us Altani another reason to back Fernanda, and for Kennyites to question Schweitzer and her backers. The last time I checked, it was a bad idea to insult your friends and allies. That doesn't exactly do wonders for your international relations. Kennyites should seriously ask themselves if a loose cannon like Schweitzer, who thinks nothing of spitting on hard-won alliances, is really who they want running their nation's national security. As for the question of "morality", as anyone with half a brain knows, that's just something politicians use to score cheap political points. When a politician starts harping on "morality", you know that their closets have more skeletons in them than a cemetery. It's a deflection. She may criticize President's Fernanda's morals, but I'm just waiting for Schweitzer to start talking about what she will do different. If insulting leaders like myself and Empress Jhessan is a sign of things to come from Schweitzer, I'm afraid that the Judge is just a bit lacking in the judgment a leader needs.

Kasimira points to another reporter.

Reporter #3: If Schweitzer does somehow manage to defeat Fernanda, Madam President, what does that bode for Kennyite-Altani relations?

Kasimira: Well, I can't imagine it would lead to anything good, when she apparently considers us all "degenerates". I should think that's self-evident.

Presidential aide Altynshash Tileukhan whispers something into Kasimira's ear.

Kasimira: I'm afraid we're out of time, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
The Palentine
Posted on Jul 1 2009, 09:43 AM

The thinking man's pervert
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Joseph and Mary College, Paradise City

Lionel and Remy have just finished setting up a University Students for President Fernanda booth, on the campus quad. It took about a week for them to get permission to be allowed to set up(they had to promise not to display any pictures of Her Hotness). They are taking a short coffee break, before the expected crush of students were to happen by.

"Here we are my dear, time to incite the masses.", Lionel said cheerfully.

"We don't want a riot, sweety. Just rile 'em up enough to get them to vote for our canidate." Remy said in mild reporachment.

"You're not too familiar with Xt'Tap politics. According to sis, rioting is a regular part of Xt'Tap politics. But you're right. Thankfully you did some real nice editing of that press release, and you sorta look like an Xt'Tap student, so I think everything will go well. However you are ready with the backup plan, my dear?", replied Lionel.

Remy laughed and answered," You mean can I have the relegious hallucinations?"

Remy then started to go into minor convulsions, let her eyes roll up in the back of her head, and started to babble incoherantly. Then just as suddenly, she stopped and smiled,
"All those acting classes have paid off, love. If we need it, I'm ready."

"Splendid! lets get ready, Remy! It looks like classes are about to change.", laughed Lionel

Soon a small group began to congregate around the booth. Using the charm, suaveness, and fast talking he picked up at Dr. Hugo's academy, Lionel cheerfully greeted and spoke to his audience.

"Why should we vote for the infidel! President Fernanda is a running infidel Dog!", said one of the male students.

"An excellent question....ummm....what is your name, good sir?"


"An exellent question Zolan! And I agree thast you have a point, and I do sympathise with you because I too am part of a religeous minority in my home country."

Zolan looked a bit uncertian now and said, "Really?"

"Oh yes. I'm a follower of the religeon of Reaganism, and we've yet to gain official recognition of our beliefs."

There were murmurs from the crowd as Lionel continued.

"I agree, that the current adminstration has come down hard on your people. However, President Fernanda might be the only true friend the Xt'taps have. His opponent has judged against the Xt'Taps every time they tried to gain rights from the court of law. I've been told that the only Xt'Taps that she will allow around her is her housekeeper, and gardener. President Fernanda, on the other hand has befriended and rewarded Xt'Taps. Susa Batko-Yovino is a friend of the president, and was appointed as Treasury Secretary in his cabinet. His sister, Susannah, was Speaker of the federal Assembly, and is now the ambassador to the Palentine. The most important job an Xt'tap will have under a Schweitzer admistration is to clean the executive toilet."

Angry murmers are now being heard from the crowd. some of them seem to be gesturing and shaking their heads in agreement. The crowd seems to be getting larger.

"My friends! I did not wish to share this with you, because I cannot even believe it myself. No human being could stoop to this level....to be so callous...so brutal...so uncaring. However you have the right to know. The right to know what kind of evil bitch President Fernanda's opponent is! If elected President she plans to thoroughly crush your fine people.", Lionel stops to wipe the tears from his eyes, and it seems that he makes a great effort to control his emotions before continuing,
"I'm sorry my friends, for my weeping, but I feel a kinship with you. I weep with outrage over the things this bitch wants to do to you. I have here a copy of a press release from her campaign, about how she plans to deal with the Xt'Tap Problem, when she is President."

Lionel reads the "briefing".

Press Briefing from the Schweitzer Campaign about the Xt'Tap problem.
Yes! We're going to finally round up all the Xt'Tap on our streets and lock them up in insane asylums where they belong!á We're also going to end the farce of "school busing" once and for all, and send those lousy inner-city Xt'Tap hooligans back to the crime-ridden, drug-infested glorified juvenile prisons they came from! I mean, they're not going to learn anything anyway; why fight it?

I still have a good many friends on the bench, and you forget, as president I will appoint the Supreme Court. If we want to revolutionize our approach to Xt'Tap filth, we have to take extra care that our adversaries in the courts don't resort to legislating from the bench to get their way! Our Constitution is only as good as the politicians willing to tear it to shreds in order to uphold the values of the nation it protects!

The crowd begins to shout angrily. One of the students yells out
"Burn the infidel bitch!"

Lionel hold up his hands and yells out,
"No my friends! This time violence is not the way. She wants you to commit violent acts, so she can justify her actions. This time you must beat her at her own game. Insted of violence, Organize. Tell your friends and family. get them registered to vote. Organize the neighborhoods so on primary day and election day you can vote for President Fernanda, and send that evil bitch back to obscurity. And additionally, by helping President Fernanda win the election, he'll owe you a really big favor."

The crowd began to shout and cheer!

"He's right you know!"

"Yeah! Fernanda won't be able to ignore us!"

"That bitch is going to be sorry she messed with us!"

"We'll finally be given the right to deal with the infidels!"

"Viva Fernanda!
Posted on Aug 15 2009, 12:49 PM

Disgustingly Racist Cultural Appropriator
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user posted image

Destructor's fake coup could cost him on Super Tuesday

PARADISE CITY --- Manuelo Fernanda has triumphed in his home "state" of Paradise City, but a "coup" stunt he recently pulled in an attempt to marginalize his chief primary opponent has offended many voters, polls show.

The president added to his victory in the Nessie Shelf last month by trouncing Judge Sandy Schweitzer in Tuesday's Kenny Memorial District primary, snapping up 89 percent of the vote to Schweitzer's 10 percent. As expected, the smaller Thorland primary, held the same day on Schweitzer's home turf, went in the judge's favor, 54 percent to 44 percent.

Fernanda's victory party, held not far from his current Frowning Street residence, eschewed the alarming militarist images of his staged "coup" in Paradise City the week before. The Stripper Commandos and the military hardware and the tall red banners bearing demagogic images of the president were kept out of sight, but the unbearable arrogance of the Commander in Chief was still on full display.

"Shows how much you fuckers in the media know!" Fernanda defiantly shouted to a cheering throng of well-wishers. "All you chattering idiots in the liberal press thought I'd have been hung out to dry by now. Bet you punk-ass bitches never dreamed I'd be going into Super Tuesday as the clear front-runner, huh?!"

The rhetoric had changed little since his news conference to announce his faux coup, as he stood before the press corps dressed as Surly the Repealinator and wielding a scary-looking automatic weapon, joking about how he was going to "exterminate" all the "Girly Men" in his party who had gone soft on their support for him, "and even the not-so-girly men, like Judge Sheister!"

(Fernanda offered a few more choice digs at "Sandy Sheister" before he was finished, "revealing" that she had once signed up to be a stripper commando, but was turned away because "they already had plenty of dudes"; and later claiming that she was "the federal judiciary's very own Lady Gaga, only a lot less feminine.")

As the president spoke that day, tanks rolled down the streets of Paradise City, as squads of Stripper Commandos marched astride them, holding back the curious crowds that had gathered to witness the spectacle, and occasionally treating street lamps like stripper polls.

Rumors began to circulate that Fernanda had canceled next year's elections and declared himself some kid of glorified dictator. Among the less-preposterous claims that began to pop up on Internet sites that day was a story that Empress Jhessan would soon be declared the president's "Sex Goddess" -- sort of like a First Lady, only freakier -- and that the "United Regimes" of Omigodtheykilledkenny and The Palentine would soon team up with Yelda and Urgench to wipe out the nation of Glen-Rhodes.

When the rumors turned out to be false, Fernanda's approval numbers began to sag, with many more voters now describing him as "weak and wobbly," "soft," "a wimp," "a coward," and "just like John Kerry." The Paradise City Town Crier poll released this week showed that fewer Conservative primary voters now planned to support him, down to 49 percent from 56 percent last month. Schweitzer meanwhile has jumped from 35 percent last month to 40 percent now.

But the president seized the stage at Tuesday night's victory bash as though the new poll numbers didn't exist, as he confidently predicted to jubilant supporters that his performance on Super Tuesday "is gonna make our 9-to-1 win tonight look like a long, hard slog!", and persisted in his stinging attacks on Judge Sandy Schweitzer.

"Judge Sheister won't know what hit him! He'll be crying like a little girl!" quipped the Destructor. "He had such high hopes of becoming the first president of this country to straddle both genders (with the possible exception of John Thorne), but now they're being dashed against the rocks!-- Judge Sheister, what are you doing here?!"

Before anyone realized what was going on, Judge Schweitzer appeared out of nowhere and body-slammed the president, knocking him to the floor and bashing his head against the stage several times before the Secret Service could restrain her.

"You know I can't stand the bitch, but I gotta hand it to her on her technique," Empress Jhessan told Fox News later that evening. "It's surprisingly good, especially coming from such a dried up old cunt!"
The Palentine
Posted on Oct 9 2009, 09:57 AM

The thinking man's pervert
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In a hotel room in The Marsh Islands, Ohmygodtheykilledkenny.....

"Damn, this really sucks, Lionel!", Remy said as she was working on her laptop.

"What sucks, my dear?", Lionel asked, looking up from Sportcenter.

This place. These islands are as much fun as getting your teeth pulled without novacaine. I am so bored, I feel like knocking over a convienient store for kicks.", the pretty geek chick said with a sigh.

"Yeah, who would have thought Jack Riley would get that mad about a little campus riot. I mean the X-taps riot all the time. I don't see what the fuss was about.", Lionel said a bit puzzled.

"They destroyed the Student Union, put the fear of God in a couple of old nuns, and to top it all off, held a orgy, inside the Administration building, Lionel!", Remy said in a shocked voice.

"As I said, Its nothing that the good people of Paradise City haven't already seen on a regular basis.", Lionel answered calmly.

"Don't forget that your sister is still pissed at us as well. Just like Riley to throw us under the bus."

"Don't worry about sis. A nooner of angry sex with President Fernanda, and she'll laugh about the situation. Besides, I think we'll redeem ourselves with our efforts here, my love. With the man on the street work, passing out flyers, and these web ads we're designing, Manuelo will have this one in the bag.", Lionel said with much optimism and cheer.

"Well if you say so, Lionel. I'm about done with the editing of the ads.", Remy replied.

Later on the internet, and some of the Marshite News talk shows.....

An image of Margaret Hamilton from the Wizard of OZ, is on the screen. Under the picture is the following words....The Truth about Judge Sandy. Omnious music plays in the background, as a very professional sounding young woman speaks

Fact: Judge Sandy hates Hippies, peace, love, and Jefferson Airplane!

Fact: Judge Sandy wants to make the wearing of Birkenstocks™, illegal!

Fact: Judge Sandy wants to enact a tax on granola, to pay for the building ofá Nuclear power plants

Fact: Judge Sandy opposes gay marrage, and wants to send gay couples to 're-education centers'.

Fact: Judge Sandy thinks Dan and Barry's Ice Cream should be shut down for selling a product that tastes like owl vomit.

This is all you need to know on super Tuesday. Do your civil duty and Vote for President Fernanda.

(This ad is produced and paid for by the Students for President Fernanda Comittee)

Another Ad

Patriotic Kennyite music plays. An image of a smiling President Fernanda standing and waving with a large Kennyite flag behind him. A professional sounding young woman begins to speak......

My friends, these are the Facts about President Fernanda

Fact: President Fernanda loves hippies, especially hot hippie chicks who are into free love and threesomes.

Fact: President Fernanda supports Gay Marriage, and believes the government should stay out of the bedrooms of its citizens...unless the citizen is a really smoking hot female who wouldn't mind for President Fernanda coming over for a tryst.

Fact: Not only does President Fernanda love Dan and Barry's Ice cream, he and Empress Jhessan Spaulding are fond of using it when they have "private consultations".

Fact: Did I mention President Fernada is nailing the hottest woman in the AO, Her Imperial Hottness, Empress Jhessan Spaulding? An image of Jhessan playing beach volleyball in a bikini is shown.

So on Super Tuesday go out and vote for the only real choice, President Fernanda.

(This ad is paid for and produced by the Students for President Fernanda Comittee)
The Palentine
Posted on Jan 7 2010, 09:33 AM

The thinking man's pervert
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Another political ad has reached the airwaves, and internet in the Marsh Islands....

A camera pans across a wintery wilderness scene, and focuses on a rather charming log cabin with a largish pile of cut firewood stacked outside, and smoke coming from the chiminey. The scene then changed to indoors. Lionel Spaulding is seated at a table. He is wearing a red flannel shirt, and cap with earflaps. On the table in front of him is a plate of pancakes, and a bottle of Genuine Marsh Islands Maple Syrup™. He smiles and begins to speak to the camera.

"Howdy friends. You know on a day like today, there is nothing better after chopping wood for the fireplace, than a nice stack of pancakes with genuine Marsh Island Maple Syrup. No othersyrup even comes close, not even Fine Yeldan Maple Syrup™." He continues excitedly,
" And who doesn't love the great flavor..even my sister, Empress Jhessan, and President Fernada love the stuff. Why I hear that they especially like to use it when they....." At this point a young woman voice is heard coughing out AHEM, and Lionel smiles sheepesly and says,
"Oops, I lost my train of thiought for a second. Anyway as I was saying, Who doesn't like Marsh Isalnd Maple Syrup? Why Judge Sandy, thats who?", he says before pausing a monent to take another bite of pancake. After swallowing he continues,
"THats right, my friends. Judge Sandy wants to place a special sales tax on your states greatest product to help out her freinds in the corn syrup industry. The corn syrup lobby wants to make your maple syrup so expensive that people would buy their less taasty and shall I say INFERIOR product. The choice is clear a vote for Judge Sandy is a vote for the Corn Syrup Lobby. So Vote for President Fernanda an man who may not have the best of tastes...but certianly knows what tastes good!"
With that, Lionel smiles and goes back to eating his pancakes with gusto. At the bottom of the screen these words appear...
This ad has been produced by the University Students for President Fernanda
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