Federal Republic rocked by (yet another) Fernanda sex scandalPARADISE CITY (Town Crier) -- Eliciting yawns throughout the Federal Republic, President Fernanda has been caught once again with his pants down.
The furor stems this time from a highly classified memo (dutifully leaked to the press by Federal Assemblywoman Shirley Jackson) including the minutes of a secret meeting the president held with top intelligence officials. According to the memo, Fernanda disclosed during the meeting that he had recently been contacted by shakedown artists seeking back payments for services rendered by Cluichstani Private Entertainment Services Ltd. (CPESL) agents.
"They told me that unless I paid up, and paid up soon, they would start leaking state secrets that I shouted out during sex with their agents," the memo quotes Fernanda as saying.
Weeks after the memo was dated, a
report (from the usual source) surfaced that Cluichstan's ambassador to OMGTKK had sold a state secret to a representative from Tzorsland.
"This memo exposes the dangerous nature of the relationship the Federal Republic maintains with the Misbehaving Sultanante of Cluichstan," the conspiracy-mongering crackpot Jackson told a (completely unbiased) reporter for the Town Crier. "And it reveals just how recklessly President Fernanda imperils our national security by continuing to consort with foreign sex-industry agents with questionable motives."
Asked whether she thought she herself was threatening national security by leaking classified information, Jackson replied, "Yo' mama!"
"On an unrelated note, I am suing that bastard Sheik Nadnerb for
sexual harassment," she added.
An administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity (but whose name and title spelled backward is "Inarhet Xela Etats fo Yraterces"), defended the president. "Ever since those perverted sheiks moved in next door, the president has been bombarded with nothing but billboards featuring photos of very sexy CPESL agents in alluring poses," he said. "The guy's only human! It's only a matter of time after being so persistently pressured for sex that a man of his relentlessly horny disposition would crack under pressure!"
As to Jackson's alleged compromising of national security, the official said: "Any leak of classified information constitutes a breach of national security, and must be fully investigated. ... Unless, of course, administration officials are leak the names of covert operatives for criticizing the president. Because they just had it coming."
"This is almost as embarrassing as the tabloid report accusing me of having a bird fetish, but unlike that bullshit story, this is completely true," the president said off-the-record to MSNBC's totally (pardon our editorial snort) trustworthy Connie Chung, during a live interview on that awful weekend show she does with her husband, talk-show host Phil Donahue (or Maury Povich or whoever).
Luckily for the president, however, no one saw it. (It's MSNBC, for Christ's sake!)
As for Jackson, the State Department swiftly responded to her offense, immediately exiling her to a place that Kennyites hold in the lowest possible regard: the United Nations. She will serve Amb. Jack Riley as acting assistant deputy assistant under-ambassador-pro-tempore, according to a State spokesman. Her duties mainly include accusing random UN officials of racism, sexism and harassment.
