Ladies and Gentlemen of Retired WerePenguins as well as anyone in the Antarctic Oasis that cares:
As the final days of my term as Faithful Navigator of Retired WerePenguins comes to and end I have taken some time to reflect on my term as leader of the Nifty Fraternity, the region and the World Assembly in general. These reflections can boiled down to two simple words, “you suck.”
I do have a number of exceptions to the above two words. To the retiring Faithful Trustee, RTO Marian Red, who was probably the only officer in my administration that could understand double book accounting systems, and who has been in the officer's positions for countless years, (well, we could count them but a gentlemen is prohibited from publishing the results), I would like to extend my extreme thanks and jealousy that you are leaving this position to assume the CEO position of Microcosm, Inc. I am certainly glad that I won't be responsible for what will be a number of years of major conflict of issue cases that will hit the next Faithful Navigator.
To the retiring Faithful Admiral, who has been elected to the position of Trustee, RWPO Amber Red-Blonde, I would like to remind you that the Trustee meetings begin promptly at 8PM. I will leave it up to the incoming Faithful Navigator to remind you of this. I realize that you were busy these last few years with all the book signings, and that the Faithful Admiral's position is not a significant one, in your opinion. I do wish to thank you for the recommendation of having your husband, along with RTO Christine Red's husband as the World Assembly ambassadors. I couldn't think of a better punishment to that decrepit body than those two characters. Hopefully RWPO Sara Blonde will continue this fine tradition.
Well that covers my exceptions. To the Assembly of Senators, thank you for maintaining at least a quorum over my term in office, but it would be nice if you all showed up for a meeting now and then. I know a lot of you have been mad as hell because I am not a woman, but I've fought for years for the rights of male officers in this body and even after getting a (albeit extremely small) restroom for the males you still can't get a urinal that doesn't break down every other month. It is still a five minute (one way) walk to the Congress of the People and they don't like us using their facilities even though I am the leader of this damn nation.
To the Congress of the People. Spell check exists for a reason. Please use it before you approve legislation and send it to the Assembly of Senators. While politics does not exist in the Senate, half of the members have their computers set to U.K. English and the other to U.S. English and it takes about an hour every time we need to amend the legislation to correct the word “color.”
To the women of Retired WerePenguins, I am still not married. Think about that for a moment.
To the leaders of the various nations in the Antarctic Oasis, yes my spies have told me what you were saying behind my back. I choose to ignore it because I didn't want to reallocate our ultimate weapon (since Flash Blonde is better off serving the World Assembly) against you. I was also advised by the state department not to do something that reckless. Sometimes I wish I was a Blonde.
Finally, to the members of the World Assembly, yes we eat tourists, you are always welcome!
RWPO Robert Red