A male announcer began to speak as a camera started off at a wide angle from the right and began to zoom in to the news desk of Channel 42's Evening Edition news team. The words "Breaking News" scrolled across the screen in wide blue letters followed by several images of natural disasters that have absolutely nothing to do with Zarquon Froods including a scenario that involved a carton of half spoiled milk that had been thrown out as trash from an orbiting star cruiser that had placed itself on a crash course with the sun that spelled the end of days for everything in existance. As the glowing image began to fade out, the camera focused on the two anchors sitting at the desk.

Jane-- Good evening, I'm Jane Sizemore.

Dick-- And I'm Dick Willing, and we've just been informed of some very disturbing news from the nation's capital, Zarquon City. Jane.

Jane-- That's right Dick. Sources confirm that around 5pm this afternoon air raid sirens that act as part of the early warning system in the event of an attack on the nation begain to go off outside the capital. Shortly after, eyewitnesses say they saw what appeared to be a large missile traveling through the air at very high speed with what appeared to be a very large nose and pair of glasses attached to it that apparently collided with the Emperial Palace. No other buildings were damaged as the blast seemed to have been mysteriously confined to the inside of a bubble.

Dick-- Channel 42's own Justin Thyme is on the scene with some of the onlookers that witnessed the horrendous event. Justin.

The scene cut to a 30 something married male desperately trying to look like a 20 something college bachelor. He wore a dark blue suit and had used enough styling gel to make a porcupine seriously consider a career change. His smile was something one might be accustomed to seeing fastened to a face that was adourned with white makeup and a large red nose that would honk if you squeezed it. Beside him was a middle aged man with a dazed look firmly planted upon his face. It was not a look that was simply caught in the heat of the moment, but rather one that he seemed to have labored tirelessly to perfect over several years. Even stranger about this man was the fact that he was wearing a yellow rain cap despite that fact that it had not rained in several days with none in the forecast anytime soon.

Justin-- Thanks Dick. I'm here with Salty Sam, who said he did in fact see what hit the palace earlier this evening. Now Salty that's an interesting name, how'd you get it?

Salty-- Whelp, I reckin thet aye like to et salt. Et it by the spoonfil I do. Keps me young and veerile.

Justin-- That's fascinating, I would go into more detail with you......

Salty--(interupting as he reached into his pulled out a handfull of salt.) Ya could use some too. The ladies'll lick ya dune....

Justin-- I..I really shouldn't. Um.. wow. Could you tell us what you saw here earlier?

Salty-- Whelp, I was oot licken fer some action, end I was jest aboot to seal the deal with a little poodle I'd had me eye on fer same time neh. Then I heard some lewd bang, an the poodle raned off.

Justin-- And what did you see?

Salty-- What?

Justin-- After you heard the bang, what did you see?

Salty-- Whelp, you can't bloody well sees a bang new can ye?

Justin-- No, I meant the explosion. Did you see anything that might have caused the explosion?

Salty-- Aliens. They've been in an oot of here fer wiks new. Jest this mernin they taked this long pole and sticked it up my......

Justing--- And.... as you can see there is no shortage of distress from the citizens as everyone is trying to come to grips with what exactly has happened. At this point we're not really certain if this was an act of terrorism or an act of war or neither. Also at this point we have no word on the status of the Emperor or if anyone was inside the building at the time. Rescue workers are on the (Salty holds the salt up to Justin's mouth to try and get him to lick it but is quickly shooed away) site trying to remove the debris to see if there were in fact any workers were inside including the Emperor. Back to you Jane.

Jane-- (Holding her hand to her ear and acting as if she's just recieved the most important news of her life.) I've just recieved word that the Minister of Intelligence, Sintar Maxem is about to hold a press conference on the recent events. Channel 42 has a crew set up there and we will now take you there live as the Minister gives his address.

The scene cuts to a large conference room with several rows of reporters from several different news agencies and newspapers from around the region. The walls were blue, the carpet was red and the ceiling was white. The reporters sat quietly with only a slight murmur breaking the silence as they talked among themselves when the lights went out and the room went pitch black. After a few long moments, the lights returned to reveal the blue room with the red carpet and the white ceiling and the black self-destructive ninjas. The ninjas began to jump about the room, on the empty chairs, on the heads of the reporters screaming and whailing away at the top of their lungs. They took several reportes and pinned them to their chairs and threatened them violently with their pens and pencils within an inch of their lives. Notepads were being weilded in alarmingly dangerous ways which made one think twice about the lethality of everyday office items. They were not a force to be reckoned with, and futhermore they were not a force that liked reckoning at all. In fact they could kill a man with their eyes at tirty paces if he dared to reckon with them.

After all the reporters had been subdued, one of the ninjas let out a blood curdling skreech that would make a deaf person cringe. There was silence for a moment, then the door at the back of the room opend and in walked a man with a light tan trench coat and a fox hunting cap. His lapels were standing up to help conceal his face, and he had the tendancy to think someone was sneaking up behind and instantly turn about and start karate chopping at the air wildly in hopes of hitting his asailent. After he found no one was there, he went to the podeum at the center of the room and put his cufflink to his mouth. It was at this instant that everyone who knew of his legend could identify him as Inspector Ernest Gabblewart, Cheif of Security of EIEIO.

Ernest-- Nasty Butler, this is Red Rooster. The smoked ham has ate the turkey. I repeat the smoked ham has ate the turkey. (he cast his eyes shiftily about the room and with a quick circular motion of his hand in the air, he and the ninjas departed, and Sintar made his way to the podeum.0

Sintar-- Good evening. My name is not important, just like all of you. You will address me as His Excellency the Most Supreme Being of the Royal Order of the Fancy Pants or simply Jane Fonda. No real names will be used during this conference in the interests of security, as far as you are all concerned, Sintar Maxem is an Olympic athlete who has slept with more woman than there are in the population of the universe and loves making fondu as a past time. He is in no way connected with a secret organization that may or may not contain two E' two I's and an O in it's abbreviation, and he is certainly not a man that is 6'1" wears a black suit and sunglasses that looks remarkably similar to myself.

Needless to say the reporters were somewhat befuddled about all of this. First the ninjas and now a man calling himself the most supreme being of the something or other Jane Fonduness of the universe. But, they listened, because at that point they were far too shocked, and more importantly, far too afraid of what may happen next to get up and leave.

Sintar-- Let me begin by making one thing perfectly clear. There was no explosion in the capital of Zarquon Froods. It was not in or around the vicinity of the Emperial Palace where the Emperor, who will be known as Jim for the remainder of this conference, has never stepped foot into. The building is standing, and has in no way been structurally compromised. The nation has nothing to hide and all information that has been released here today has been confirmed by the Coalition of Local Astrologists, Soothsayers and Preists or CLASP. Are there any questions?

There was a silence, then one reporter spoke aloud.

Reporter 1-- But what about the big pile of rubble where the palace use to be?

Reporter 2-- And what about the big explosion that, by last count, at least several thousand citizens winessed?

Reporter 3-- Not to mention the several eye witness accounts of a large projectile which was reportedly seen as being set on a collision course with the Emperial Palace, that deployed a blast shield and exploded within it. That seems remarkably similar to the TEA missile the government has denied posessing on several occasions, yet now we have confirmed reports that the missile we supposedly don't have, has been used against us. So I ask you.....Jane Fonda, was the government ever in posession of a TEA missile, and if it was how did it manage to detonate itself within the Emperial Palace?

A team of ninjas raced into the room, and dragged the third reporter out of the room kicking and screaming.

Jane-- Yes, the palace may have been demolished, and yes there may have been an explosion. The government has not confirmed.......

Reporter 4-- NOT CONFIRMED?!! There's a fucking steaming pile of bricks that used to be the Emperial Palace that says....(he is "escorted out by another team of ninjas)

Jane-- The government has not confirmed if the explosion is connected with the possible collapse of the building that has been alledged to be the Emperial Palace. We have a theory from a very renowned physicist that explains why the building that may or may not have been the palace could have possibly been reduced to a pile of bricks.

Reporter 2-- Which is?

Jane-- In the report he makes that explanation that the building simply got tired of remaining in the same place for decades at a time and decided to move. The results, as you all know, were disasterous. The foundation simply was not built to handle the stress of jumping from one place to another.

Several reporters at once-- JUMPING?!

Jane-- Yes, it's how they work out, some of the younger buildings are able to jump a hundred or so times in a minute, but te older the building get the more fragile it's foundation becomes and considering the age of the palace, simply thinking about jumping could cause severe damage.

It was at that moment that a small collection of reporters were conspiring to take down this man and launch him on the next rocket to the moon, but they soon feared that somehow he'd figure a way to make the moon disappear as well, but the talk was cut short as another man burst into the room. Aside from scaring the reporters to death by nearly breaking the door down as he entered, they were terrified that he, in fact, was an exact carbon copy of the man standing at the podium. He stormed towards the head of the room, reached for the back of Jane's head and firmly pulled revealing that the face was in fact a mask, and that the mask was covering the face of Neville Grunder, the Embassy's Master of Disguise.

Sintar-- Grunder, get out of here and go find something constructive to do like sticking you head in a blender and turning it on. (Grunder slumped over and dragged himself away.) Forgive me, I am Sintar Maxem, Intelligence Minister and Olympic athlete. Well not really, but the part about the women is true. To sum up the events. The palace has been destroyed, the Emperor was injured but he will recover. Dr. Xanthum and Minister Dimwitty were also in the palace at the time and were both injured as well but are in a medically stable state. The object that stuck the palace was in fact a TEA missile, which means this attack was instigated by one of our own since we are the only ones in posession of such ordianance. The list of suspects has been narrowed, but not limited to Supreme Justice of the Grand High Court, Joshua A. Norton and Elvis Pressley. Although Mr. Pressley will soon be cleared as the Secretary of Internal Love Affairs has stated they were having a midday sex session during the estimated time of launch. We have also triangulated the point of origin of the attack to have come from the World Assembly building. An extensive search is being conducted to apprehend the suspect and any accomplises he might have had. The Ministry of Defence has accounted for all other ordinance and has reassured that we are all safe from any domestic threat. However, all citizens are encouraged to remain in their homes until the all clear siren sounded which sounds like this. WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW.
That is all that we have to disclose at this time. (He quickly exits ignoring any questions from reporters as the scene goes back to the studio.)

Jane Sizemore-- And Channel 42 will keep you posted on any developments in this ongoing investigation. This is Jane Sizemore, and Dick Willing reminding you all to watch your neighbors, they might just be terrorists. Goodnight.

The camera begins to pan down once again to the an desk of Channel 42's news room for a special update.

Jane-- Good evening everyone, I'm Jane Sizemore with a special update. Frowns were turned upside down today as word spread quickly across the nation that Zarquon Froods was made the regional Delegate today in a huge upset that took the region by surprise. The main cause for alarm came from the fact that the nation wasn't even running in the race this year, and that Cobdenia hady been appointed to that position. But, that hasn't stopped millions from celebrating in the streets. The Honorable Joshua A. Norton, who is being seen as the new Delegate to the WA, is as we speak holding a post-race rally in the capital square in front of what use to be the Emperial Palace. Channel 42 has a crew set up there, and will now take you live as Judge Norton prepares to give a statement.

The scene cuts to a large crowd in front of a raised stage in the middle of the square where Joshua Norton was waving his hands at the crowd in a triumphant manner.

Norton-- My fellow Froods, we have show the world that we wouldn't be held down by the oppressors of the AO, that the rise of Froodism can't be stopped and that will take the world by stor..........

Before the words could leave his mouth, Norton was tackled by a team of Self-Destructive ninjas all screamin at the top of their lungs. Neville Grunder quickly raced up the platform and began to address the audience.

Grunder-- What you have just witnessed did not in fact happen, Judge Norton was not just tackled by a team of ninjas. All the molecules in his body simply decided that they wanted to move three feet to the right and did so at peril to his li......

Another team of ninjas jumped up and attack Neville and wrestled him to the floor. Sintar Maxem then came up to the podium.

Sintar-- Good evening. The two men you just saw are criminals. Through an extensive investigation we can confirm that they are in fact the perpetrators of the heinous act that was carried out on our nation yesterday. At around 9am yesterday morning, Neville Grunder snuck into the missile facility at ZIPP disguised as myself and acquired a modified TEA missile capable of short range launching. The missile was equipped with a massive 50 million megaton warhead, and was then taken from the facility to neutral territory in the AO region. We do not know at this time, who recieved the missile but we do know where it was launched from and that is in the vicinity of the World Assembly complex. After an investigation at the scene, a small peice of paper was found with the coordinates of the Emperial Palace written on it in Judge Norton's handwriting.

Norton rose quickly and tried to make harsh remarks before he was subdued again.

Norton-- And I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling......AGGGH!!!

Sintar-- We have long suspected Norton of foul dealings since his appointment as Supreme Justice of the Grand High Court. Upon searching his office, we found among other things, a bazooka, a drawing of the WA building with a circle indicating where the missile should be launched from and a line drawn from that to an X where it's intended target was and a book entitled "How I Intend to Do It" by Joshua A. Norton. This is more than enough evidence to see him sentenced for treason.

Norton broke free from his captors and approached Sintar.

Norton-- Ha!! Sentencing? There are only two people in the nation that can carry out sentencing and the other one is somewhere in that pile of rubble.

Zarquon-- That's not entirely true.

The air was literally sucked from the air as the crowd gasped and looked in awe as Zarquon walked onto the stage.

Norton-- Who the hell are you?

Zarquon-- I am Zarquon, and I'm about to kick your ass.

Norton-- You're not Zarquon. Zarquon is dead!

Zarquon-- Was dead. Dr. Xanthum was able to use an earlier prototype of Joebot's armor to reanimate my body. And now, thanks to you, I can never die as this suit is as indestructable as the one Joebot wears now. Although my helmet is too big, and these pants chafe a bit, the shoes are a little small and...

Sintar-- Your Excellency, you were going to carry out sentencing?

Norton-- This is impossible!

Zarquon-- No, your nose is impossible, whereas I am real, and you are doomed. For the act of treason I, the Great Prophet and Emperor Extraordinaire Zarquon, do hereby sentence you Joshua A. Norton to be strapped to a rocket and launched to the deserted planet Vitruvia where you will no longer be a threat to anyone in this world or this galaxy. Lock him in the broom closet while the rocket is prepaired.

The ninjas now hauled Norton off kicking and screaming, as Dr. Xanthum and Alexander Dimwitty came up and gathered around Zarquon and Sintar as Zarquon prepared to address the nation.

Zarquon-- Today there has been a great injustice done upon not only our nation but the entire region. Joshua Norton hacked into the regional headquarters database and re-routed the endorsements intended for the elected delegate and counted them towards himself and at the same time ensuring retaliation from the other nations which he would then use as probably cause to launch our entire arsenal on the rest of the world. His ultimate plan was to destroy the rest of civilization leaving only our nation as the sole survivors, as outlined in Chapter Four of his book under the heading "They've Got it Coming." I have explained the situation to the authorities, and have thus avoided the crisis. But now we must look forward to rebuilding and ensuring that this will never happen again. So go home, get drunk and procreate!!!

The crowd roared with jubilation and the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol while some took to the third option right there on the spot. The scene quickly switch back to the studio as the camera man became very interested at the prospect of becoming the next big porn director. Jane seemed very nervous when she suddenly learned that the camera was back on her and her top was halfway undone. She quickly held it together with her hand while she fixed her disheveled hair with the other.

Jane-- And there you have it, the Emperor's alive and there's love in the street. For Channel 42, I'm Jane Sizemore.

Dick Willing popped his head up from under the desk in fron of Jane.

Dick-- And I'm Dick Willing. Goodnight everybody!